Like last week I said that I had seen and found a way to my Light. I feel as if I have been awakened and that for me in order to truly heal and step out of my mental illness struggle I have to be real with myself and take ownership!
What happened to me is awful. In these blog posts I describe some of my hurts. The Root of my Hurt and I am Free. These 2 posts have, in my eye, a significant role as to how I got my head all messed up.
I fully realize now that I saw it all as things that happened to me instead of for me. And listen, I said I saw my Light…this does in no way mean that I am enlightened or any way near that. Shit happened beyond my control, it is now and has always been my responsibility to figure out how I deal with it and in what way I incorporate it in my present life. What I know and feel now, is that I found my source, my fire, my way to reconnect with the Blessed Queen deep inside. I am working my hardest, every day, numerous times a day to keep that mindset and building on that connection. It is not easy, I can tell you that. But the thing I am aware of, and am certain of being the reason I chose to no longer be imprisoned by my mental illness, is that I am convinced that I deserve better and I want better. I truly want to become the best that I can be.
Where in Am I?, I was confused on how I could or should find the motivation for living and truly nothing made sense to me. Now my motivation comes from what I wish for myself in life and this unspeakable drive to achieve my goals in order to enlighten, improve, and change my mindset to where it is fulfilled with excitement, dedication, love, caring and understanding.
For me this is big! Never ever had I the believe that I was entitled or worthy of setting certain goals, let alone capable of actually reaching them.
What thrills me now is, knowing that my mind has the ability to make me feel so fucked up about myself, unworthy and even have me wish to end my life. Image what my mind and ultimately I can physically do, if I feed it positivity, constructive knowledge, goals, visions and dreams? Sure this scares me a bit, these are parts unknown. Misery is my comfort. So in order to leave that behind, I need to step out of that comfort zone. I have to truly trust and believe in my goals and the way they make me feel.
Start being comfortable with feeling uncomfortable this is where my growth is.