How Am I?

It has been a while since I last did a real update on how I am doing and where I am in my journey of healing. In For Real For Real I was rather optimistic and feeling solid and sure in my progress and all that came with it. But things change…

In the above mentioned post I wrote about a wave of new emotions that had to do with my traumas. These emotions have been coming and going and at times they can hit me so hard that I am left paralyzed and confused.

I finally got to go to therapy. I was so looking forward to it and as I mentioned in my last update I really felt it was really constructive. Unfortunately I have been having some second thoughts about the therapist and his ways of therapy. Besides dealing with my hurts, I now also have to deal with the doubt whether or not I can continue being under his care.

I am eating a lot better and being more and more consistent with it. And I am happy to notice that I do not have any major cravings for alcohol or any of my former numbing foods. What I am working on now is trying to stick to a consistent work out routine. For the past few weeks whenever I started to feel worse, working out was usually the first thing I would stop doing.

Tomorrow will be my first day of work reintegration. And now, just a day before, I am not sure how to feel about that. To be honest I have had a tough few weeks where the suicidal thoughts have silently found their way back into my mind. They are not a constant, but I sure cannot deny their presence.

I have the feeling that I am slowly loosing it again. But what I would like to think and tell myself is that this feeling I am having, this scary monster that wants to creep in is actually the pain that wants to come out and be released. And so I will just wait and see, take it day by day and try to allow what ever it is be whatever it is….

In the midst of all this I decided to take BlessedAsIAm to YouTube! So please click on the link and have a look at my very first video! Welcome to BlessedAsIAM!


For Real For Real

I thought I would share with you how I have been. Ever since I restarted blogging, quite a lot has changed. And surely with the current developments you could have seen on my other social media outlets, I felt it was just right to just catch up.

So much has changed as I look back at Am I?. I was so lost and in so much pain. Even though I can read the darkness in my earlier blogposts, they still do not capture the true gravity of how close I was to really take that road into ending it all. I was just tired, done… Thinking and feeling of the pain I was in, now hurts me so much and brings me to tears. I feel so sorry for having it all come that far. Having let all the outside factors touch me on such a level that I eventually turned against myself.

The road of therapy has been one that I am grateful for. As it allowed me to vent and openly talk about all my dark thoughts freely. Talking to someone who understands what you are going through on a medical and scientific level helped me understand me.

Now vs then on how I fill my days. I am in general a lot more active and social. I spend a lot less time on social media or watching tv. Going outside does not scare me as much as it used to. I am trying to build up a routine for myself. With things I enjoy right away and things that give me joy after completing them or in the long run.

Overall it all sounds super positive and to be cautiously optimistic, it is a great improvement. Once I found that switch described in I saw my Light… I started working even harder on my recovery and I am Blessed that it is all paying off. Just this past week or so I have had a slight draw back. This has to do with me coming forward with my abuse story and outing the offender. So many emotions surfaced that I could not place and in combination with a higher intake of alcohol due to social activities, I started getting more and more detached from my feelings. I haven’t been on point with building my new routine, in fact, I started falling back into my old ways. Bad diet, isolation, emotional withdrawal, numbing…all the stuff that never served me in the past! And I am well aware! Although it might sound crazy, I feel as if I am still in charge. I am letting myself feel whatever it is that I am feeling, but at the same time I am reminding myself of the great feeling I was starting to have continuously working on myself in a loving way.

In conclusion, the struggle is very much real and present. But I am loving it because I am no longer beating myself up over my “bad” days. I am embracing it all and giving myself room to grow, improve and keep my eyes on the price, that is Me.