Just a Random Fuck

When we met I thought you were so damn fine. As I laid my eyes on you I cursed as I knew you could be bad news. Mad hot, but so bad! I cursed cause I knew I wanted you, I wanted you near, I wanted us to be.
You were smooth. Like the ladies man you were and held yourself with no shame, you reeled me in. Even when you told me you weren’t a “one woman man”, I fell for whatever you were willing to give and I enjoyed the us that we were.
I assumed you enjoyed us too, the “we” that we were becoming. I thought that you enjoyed me as I was, flaws and all. As long as it lasted I felt like the only woman. Deep down I knew better. Slowly the change came. There were these jabs. Hurtful things you would say to me. Things about the way I looked, things about the way I held myself, things about how I looked at life, things about how I acted when we were intimate. At that moment the guy I thought I knew, the guy I trusted, told all about my hurts and blessings, my hopes and dreams. The one with whom I shared tears, laughter and knowledge, that guy I got to trust intimately on a level so passionately and free, would turn on me as if I was nothing more than a random fuck.

All was so unnecessary but ooh so effective. Bit by bit you started to tear me down. You managed to make me doubt myself, feel bad about myself and eventually believe all the ugly things you said to me.
Although the years have past and our relationship has changed, I still can’t seem to completely shut you out. You still seek attention, that I reluctantly and very sparsely give. Because crazy as it seems, I do care about you deeply. I try to focus on the good that is in you and forgive.

Lately my strength and courage are taking over. My body and dirty mind still wishes to engage with yours. But my heart is speaking up now. You took away the playful, joyful, passionate, secure atmosphere we used to have when we were intimate. You wonder why I keep pushing you away and till now I couldn’t find the words to describe how I feel. But I can now…How can I ever open myself up again to where I too can enjoy our intimacy, to where I feel like your equal and be free to express my true self. How can I ever believe the positive words that are coming out of your mouth. How can I forget the way you made me feel? Will you ever be able to truly be with me and show it in a way, so I no longer feel like just a random fuck? Any other woman I would’ve given the advise to walk away, or better yet run! These interactions aren’t serving me, so why do I keep holding on?

This soberness is doing it’s work, cause I can see clearer now. I am here for Me. And I wish to grow, be beautiful, be loved for who I am and stay Blessed. As you can not seem to walk beside me as peers, I ask you to please let me be. Let me be the great self that I can and may be! I understand my worth now!