I call Fucking BS

Whoop whoop!!! Damn we did it, we made it through another year! We even survived January and its Blue Monday. We may or may not have achieved the goals we had set for 2018. We may have crushed them all. Ooh hail new years resolutions!

We had a whole year to work on that list. What is it that I wish to accomplish, achieve, what did I not do all too well. Where did I drop the ball. What can I continue on doing. And then when December comes, we slowly start to get excited forming a new list. Cause once that month ends, we get a new chance right? We get that one great opportunity to do it over, to start again. Cause that is what it means right, that new year? New Me?

BULL SHIT

Why are we so hung up on these 365 days, these 12 months, these 52 weeks? I understand that we like to measure stuff, put a time line on certain things. But when it comes to improving ourselves, does the date or time line really matter? Isn’t any movement forward the most important thing? So as long as you are doing so, in my eyes you are winning.

I am sorry, not sorry. Did I offend you? The thing that we need to start to believe and see is that every single day is the best day to start over, work on those new goals, improve, let go, open your eyes, forgive, level up! Because if you could not find the best motivation within yourself to do better and become the best YOU you can be on any other day. What makes you think that the first of January or any other month for that matter, will work? The best sources of motivation lie with in yourself! No outer sources can trump that! Never! Cause if they do…you might want to reevaluate your intentions and relationship with yourself. And best believe that the gratification will be tainted and won’t last as long, when the motivation to change is not from within. Satisfaction will not be gained once that goal is achieved. As we must learn to truly enjoy the journey itself!

So tell me, now that that first month of this new year has passed, have you managed to keep that same drive, goal setting mindset. Or maybe March first will do the trick, or better yet 2020…looks good even in writing. What and whenever it is, know that I have complete confidence, that one day will be your day!


Dear little Girl

Please bare with me while I write this letter to you. I hope the words come out right and are able to do justice to how I feel.

Recently I found this screenshot of an old photo of you. And what I saw hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden I saw YOU, I saw Me and I saw all the Pain.

Not one adult stepped in and did their job of protecting you, therefore I want you to know that I am here for you now. At that age the two people who should have been the most important, loving, guiding, protecting and influential in your life failed you miserably and I am so sorry! I can see now, that the woman who gave birth to you is just as guilty as that so called father that abused you. I am so sorry baby girl, I am so sorry, but I am here now. It is time for you to let go of the burden, you may rest now. I am here, I will be your voice, I will protect you and I will fight for you.

Today I promise you that I will dedicate my life to see you shine, to see you laugh as often as possible and as loud as possible. I will do my very best to protect you from any evil spirit that tries to hurt your soul. Cause little one, you have had enough, and I understand now why you are so tired. You were given a job that you were never supposed to have been introduced to in the first place. But you took it on without complaining because you thought that, was how love and being a child was supposed to be. I cannot even imagine how you managed to do that, all by yourself!

Thank you for making it this far. I salute you! I am here now. I am taking over. It is my time now to make you Proud. You may enjoy the fruits of your hard labor. I see you and I vow to you that I will see you every single day! I love you


The Root of My Hurt

It all started when I was about 4 years old. This man came into my life. Meant to complete that picture of a traditional family. Be the figure to love me and guide me into building my personal foundation. Lovingly teach me about men and masculinity. Supposedly be the father I never really had…

Instead he chose to show his love and fulfill the fatherly role differently. From a dark place inside himself whether nature or nurture, he made a decision to feed his angry needs. Feeding on a little girl that was me. Depriving me of the positive, loving and constructive fuel that I needed for my base. The base that would be the core from where I could build on and fall back on whenever I faced hardships.

He chose to use my body, mind and soul for nearly a decade. He had his own way of tucking me in at night. As a bedtime story he would tell me how much he loved me, appreciated me and needed me. He would ask if I loved him too… Young as I was I thought this just had to be the way it works. Cause he was “daddy”, the loving father. Deep down I felt there was something wrong. Whenever he needed to nourish his angry needs, he would make it come across as a special moment we shared, a secret just for the two of us.

At the age of 13 I no longer wanted to be part of that secret that  was hurting me and leaving me empty of all the hopes&dreams, love and strength, guidance and protection.

Although I realize it only now while writing…this was the first time I outspokenly chose ME.


The Power of Choice

In life one always has a choice. Stating that you don’t is limiting yourself of rising above whatever it is that you are facing. And it all might make you feel as if facing an obstacle that is leaving you without a choice.

There is always one. If you know where to look, you will always find the options that lay before you. Feeling overwhelmed and feeling as if you do not have a choice is in actuality you that is clouding your own judgement. I realize I am stating a bold statement here. But I truly believe this is true!

Once you dare to truly look within, learn how to listen and approach from a place of love. The options you have will reveal themselves and the deeper you dare to go, the right one will always be the one you eventually pick. Always trust that you will always pick the right one. Because differiating right from wrong is how you perceive the outcome of your choice. There is always something to learn in life and thus there will never be a wrong choice when you empower yourself to learn, grow and move forward.

Listen, some are hard to make and pick. Because some paths at first glance, seem so painful and maybe even impossible. But remember that when you are at the bottom of the mountain, you can never know how it feels to have that view from the top if you never take that first step uphill!

If you dare to be honest with yourself you know that you always have a choice as to how you deal with whatever comes on your path! Look at me, sexually abused, moving from my beautiful roots, experiencing abandonment, PTSD and most recently depression with suicidal thoughts, I could have chosen to stay where I was. Let myself be swallowed by the darkness and potentially taking my own life. Although hard to acknowledge and take action, I chose to seek help. And look where I am now. Falling in Love with myself and Truthfully enjoying every single step that I have taken and still am taking down hill and up hill!

You decide the gear you put on and take along to conquer that mountain. You decide what mountain you climb, you decide your pace, you decide what view you wish to experience. You decide. YOU CHOOSE, YOU EMPOWER YOU!


For Real For Real

I thought I would share with you how I have been. Ever since I restarted blogging, quite a lot has changed. And surely with the current developments you could have seen on my other social media outlets, I felt it was just right to just catch up.

So much has changed as I look back at Am I?. I was so lost and in so much pain. Even though I can read the darkness in my earlier blogposts, they still do not capture the true gravity of how close I was to really take that road into ending it all. I was just tired, done… Thinking and feeling of the pain I was in, now hurts me so much and brings me to tears. I feel so sorry for having it all come that far. Having let all the outside factors touch me on such a level that I eventually turned against myself.

The road of therapy has been one that I am grateful for. As it allowed me to vent and openly talk about all my dark thoughts freely. Talking to someone who understands what you are going through on a medical and scientific level helped me understand me.

Now vs then on how I fill my days. I am in general a lot more active and social. I spend a lot less time on social media or watching tv. Going outside does not scare me as much as it used to. I am trying to build up a routine for myself. With things I enjoy right away and things that give me joy after completing them or in the long run.

Overall it all sounds super positive and to be cautiously optimistic, it is a great improvement. Once I found that switch described in I saw my Light… I started working even harder on my recovery and I am Blessed that it is all paying off. Just this past week or so I have had a slight draw back. This has to do with me coming forward with my abuse story and outing the offender. So many emotions surfaced that I could not place and in combination with a higher intake of alcohol due to social activities, I started getting more and more detached from my feelings. I haven’t been on point with building my new routine, in fact, I started falling back into my old ways. Bad diet, isolation, emotional withdrawal, numbing…all the stuff that never served me in the past! And I am well aware! Although it might sound crazy, I feel as if I am still in charge. I am letting myself feel whatever it is that I am feeling, but at the same time I am reminding myself of the great feeling I was starting to have continuously working on myself in a loving way.

In conclusion, the struggle is very much real and present. But I am loving it because I am no longer beating myself up over my “bad” days. I am embracing it all and giving myself room to grow, improve and keep my eyes on the price, that is Me.


Letter to my Friend

I have been Blessed with some Powerful Souls and this is for You

I am sorry for the type of Friend I have been

I am Thankful for all the Love you have shown me

I am sorry I did not acknowledge it all to the full extent

I am Thankful for the loving and uplifting view you continue to have for me

I am sorry I was not able to truly appreciate it

I am Thankful for your endless patience and optimism

I am sorry I never felt worthy enough

I am Thankful for the Journey you were willing to take with me

I am sorry for feeling sorry, as what all this proves is that Blessings come in different shapes and forms

And you my Friend have been a true Blessing in my Awakening

I am Thankful for you showing me a path on to Self Love and Appreciation

I am Thankful

I am Blessed


Volcán Barú

In 2014 I made this journey that I regard as one of the most spirited journeys I have ever made. As my work literally involves traveling and discovering, to me, new parts of the world, I still had not experienced the tools that my trip in 2014 gave me.

I went on a month long holiday to south America. Backpacking through Panama and Colombia by myself. For many it may seem like a risky thing to do. A young female alone going cross countries, countries somewhat unknown or even to some considered as rather dangerous. But I was looking for the adventure and the beauty that those countries had to offer. I didn’t have a fixed plan of where I wanted to go or when, I did have some highlights I did not want to miss. And one of them was climbing Volcán Barú.

My itinerary before heading for the volcano had changed as I had met 2 other female travellers who I joined. But after a few days together I decided it was time for me to change course and head up north. Our last night together we went out and to be honest I had a little too many drinks to compensate for the lack of external party buzz there was in that particular town that evening. My first regret of the abundance of alcohol in my system came when we had an early morning surf lesson the next day, just hours before I was supposed to catch my bus to Boquete. As you can imagine I did not perform all too well, we all three didn’t to be fair. One of us even fed the fish with her stomach contents while struggling to stay on the surf board. Or was that me….? Secondly was the long drive up north in a mini bus packed with other backpackers, seats not comfortable and temperature alternating from boiling hot to freezing cold. And the third and last regret of having consumed that much alcohol was when, totally voluntarily, after only 3hrs of sleep in my hostel bed, I had to wake up at 22h30 to embark on my new adventure.

But I powered through. I showered, packed my backpack with the provisions I managed to buy earlier that day upon arrival in Boquete, dressed up warm in layers, a scarf, raincoat, head torch and gloves. At midnight the randomly combined group of hikers and tourists including me were dropped off at the bottom of the volcano. Our driver wished us well and drove off. In that moment, pitch dark, I asked myself what the hell I got myself into. The desk clerk at the hostel had told me that the climb was doable, but that there were people who had turned around crying because they could not complete it. That they had broken down because it was too hard for them. My first reaction was fear and self doubt. But gradually my excitement grew and I was curious to see if he was telling the truth or if he was just trying to scare me for the fun of it. And if he was telling the truth, how strong was I? Mentally and Physically? Would I be one of those people who would turn around and walk away in defeat?

Standing at that bottom, and being the only one that came alone, I told myself, I can do this, I will do this!

People started to hike and I found myself joining two individuals that were relatives, uncle and niece. Profoundly to me, the niece reminded me of India Arie, as I consider her a beautiful Soul whose songs I can deeply relate to.

Damn what had I done. It was pitch dark, really dark, there was not even the slightest light from the village or town down below. The only light there was, was the one attached to our heads, and focussed on the ground before us. And even worse, there was no real path. Well, the path that was there was was uneven, slippery as hell, filled with loose rocks and sand and one had to zig zag their way into finding the best underground to place their next step.

Just hang on, this story is leading somewhere….

This first couple I joined proved to be one that I had to leave behind. The male could not help himself but to keep on repeating how hard it was, how cold it was, how dark it was and how he wanted to turn around and return to the hostel. As I was trying to make my way up, I started to feel the weight of his words and energy. It started to penetrate through that wall that I had built, shielding off my physical pain, my fear, my lack of security and even that hangover. In that moment I felt that I was not strong enough to hold back that external source that was feeding its way through my energy. Blessed that I was this Irish couple passed us and I asked them if I could join them. They accepted me and as I said goodbye to the relatives I said goodby to the negative energy that was slowly destroying me.

The second couple was from a total different kind. Their pace was much faster, their whole energy was so much more uplifting. They had a schedule and a clear plan of how they were going to fulfill the goal of reaching the top before sunrise. Cause that was the whole point of starting the hike in the dead of the night. So that once you completed, you were rewarded with the rays of light and warmth from the sun. And the amazing view over the mountains and both the Pacific Ocean and Caribbean Sea. Every now and then we would alternate with who would lead our small group of achievers at the front and who would lead from the back. Every hour we would stop for no longer than 10 minutes to catch our breath and refuel our bodies. And damn how did I experience my body on a totally different level. Every time of refuelling I would literally feel the new energy flowing through my body and giving me the much needed power for the next 60 minutes. And my mind…it blew me away. As from the first few meters and during my time with the first couple I wanted to quit. I thought fuck it, let me be that person. Who cares, I am going to quit. Back to the hostel and back to that warm and cosy bed. But I did not. I managed to experience the true meaning of Mind over Body. What kept me going was the prize. I wanted to see, feel, taste, hear, totally experience that view. I wanted to succeed, I wanted to conquer this volcano. And more so, I wanted to conquer Me!

And I did, every step I took, I remembered myself why I was doing it. I kept singing positive songs to myself in my head. I was literally saying to my self, one step at a time, and there goes another one….you can do this, you got this! And I did. Wow…

By the time I reached the top I was freezing. Both from the cold, the rain and my own sweat that couldn’t evaporate and had gotten cold. I was empty, I had given my all. But that reward of making it to the top was worth everything I had to endure those past 5,5hrs! There were some clouds, not all the mountains were clear to see nor were the two oceans. But I didn’t care. Although it was not as I had seen in pictures. I loved every bit of the view that lay before me and I was Grateful! I was Grateful that on that day, that hike had brought me on a journey to a view of myself that I had not yet experienced in that awareness.

Through this experience I learned that we all walk our own path at our own pace. Cause although the first couple did not make it till a little later, they made it. They might have missed the whole sunrise at the top, but on their way up they encountered other beautiful things that I did not. I learned that every accomplishment, big or small starts with one step. And is then followed by many more untill the goal is reached. I learned that through positive affirmations I could alter my mind and control my body in doing that, that I wanted it to do. I learned that the Believe system within me is Beautiful and very strong.

And I learned that I would use this Volcano whenever I faced obstacles that at first seemed impossible or unbearable.