Sharing is Caring

Share your pain they say

Share the things that are troubling your mind

Trouble shared is trouble halved

But at times I rather keep it to myself and suffer in silence

I would rather crawl away

Cry in solitude and let all the thoughts that are poisoning my mind wash away with tears

And when I feel it is fit, I will crawl out of my lair and share what I can share

Cause you know what is even more paining

You can’t take away my pain

You can’t help me carry the weight that is on my shoulders

After I have shared you will lovingly try to comfort me with uplifting words and maybe even a hug

But what happens after that?

You will move on with your life

I will still be here

The pain will still be there

The sorrow will still be there

The tears will still come

Cause at the end of the day I am on my own in this struggle

This journey to healing, self love and acceptance

Cause after all is said and done

Who and what remains

Is me with my body mind and soul

Truth of the matter is sadly….you will never really know how I truly feel


Dear little Girl

Please bare with me while I write this letter to you. I hope the words come out right and are able to do justice to how I feel.

Recently I found this screenshot of an old photo of you. And what I saw hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden I saw YOU, I saw Me and I saw all the Pain.

Not one adult stepped in and did their job of protecting you, therefore I want you to know that I am here for you now. At that age the two people who should have been the most important, loving, guiding, protecting and influential in your life failed you miserably and I am so sorry! I can see now, that the woman who gave birth to you is just as guilty as that so called father that abused you. I am so sorry baby girl, I am so sorry, but I am here now. It is time for you to let go of the burden, you may rest now. I am here, I will be your voice, I will protect you and I will fight for you.

Today I promise you that I will dedicate my life to see you shine, to see you laugh as often as possible and as loud as possible. I will do my very best to protect you from any evil spirit that tries to hurt your soul. Cause little one, you have had enough, and I understand now why you are so tired. You were given a job that you were never supposed to have been introduced to in the first place. But you took it on without complaining because you thought that, was how love and being a child was supposed to be. I cannot even imagine how you managed to do that, all by yourself!

Thank you for making it this far. I salute you! I am here now. I am taking over. It is my time now to make you Proud. You may enjoy the fruits of your hard labor. I see you and I vow to you that I will see you every single day! I love you


The Root of My Hurt

It all started when I was about 4 years old. This man came into my life. Meant to complete that picture of a traditional family. Be the figure to love me and guide me into building my personal foundation. Lovingly teach me about men and masculinity. Supposedly be the father I never really had…

Instead he chose to show his love and fulfill the fatherly role differently. From a dark place inside himself whether nature or nurture, he made a decision to feed his angry needs. Feeding on a little girl that was me. Depriving me of the positive, loving and constructive fuel that I needed for my base. The base that would be the core from where I could build on and fall back on whenever I faced hardships.

He chose to use my body, mind and soul for nearly a decade. He had his own way of tucking me in at night. As a bedtime story he would tell me how much he loved me, appreciated me and needed me. He would ask if I loved him too… Young as I was I thought this just had to be the way it works. Cause he was “daddy”, the loving father. Deep down I felt there was something wrong. Whenever he needed to nourish his angry needs, he would make it come across as a special moment we shared, a secret just for the two of us.

At the age of 13 I no longer wanted to be part of that secret that  was hurting me and leaving me empty of all the hopes&dreams, love and strength, guidance and protection.

Although I realize it only now while writing…this was the first time I outspokenly chose ME.


Destined for Greatness

I want to share a secret with you. Something that I have always felt like being a weird thing to feel and let alone say about myself out loud.

I have always been the person who finds it hard to make positive statements about myself. You would rarely catch me saying that I was good at something or that there was something that I admired about myself. Sure, I would state that I was good at talking, a lot, and that I was a master in laughing out loud, literally. These were easy statements as I was actually sharing them from a place of shame, embarrassment and lack of self acceptance. But throughout the years, from as young as I can remember, I have always had this powerful sense that I was Destined for Greatness.

Destined to Serve for the Greater Good

And this I mean in the most humblest of ways and in the most Loving way that I know I am. Writing this down at this moment, powered by my own Believe, fills me with Pure Love and Joy. I know I have always been a person that enjoyed serving others, or at least making them feel good about themselves and comfortable in my company. I started out as a Pleaser. I was so accustomed to please with total disregard of my own feelings. There are things in my dark past that I know happened, that where the stepping-stones of me becoming a pleaser without pleasing myself. An example is the sexual abuse that I experienced for nearly a decade. Later on in life it translated in not standing up for myself when dealing with men who I was dating, friends, colleagues, family members and total strangers. I had gotten so used to ignoring my feelings, my desires and needs that I slowly drifted farther and farther away from that powerful source inside that knew all about the person that I deserved to be. It pains me to have come to this realization, but at the same time I am Grateful. I now have the knowledge of how I do not wish to lose myself. I am Grateful that even through all the using and abusing I still Stand and I still Believe and I still have Faith and I still Love!

Many people have wondered how I can be so open about myself, my life, some of my deepest darkest feelings. Some even said, Girl why you sharing so much. If I were you, I would keep it all to myself before you share your story to the wrong people and they turn around and use it against you and hurt you. But here is the thing, Never Ever have I had the fear that sharing my story, my pain, The Root of my Hurt , would or could be used against me. I had and still have faith in my Deliverance and Intent. What the intent of the receiving end of my deliverance is, I have no control over and frankly (It is funny how I am now using this word for the very first time, as I always hated it and had painful associations with it as it is the name of my abuser…Frank) I do not care. That is up to them, that is their story, their journey.

How I am exactly going to Fulfill this Service, I don’t know. But at this moment. Doing what I am doing, building my foundation,going through my trails and tribulations and becoming one with the source of that voice inside, makes me feel Blessed and Fulfilled. Hence the name of my Journey, my blog, Blessed As I Am.


Taking Ownership

Like last week I said that I had seen and found a way to my Light. I feel as if I have been awakened and that for me in order to truly heal and step out of my mental illness struggle I have to be real with myself and take ownership!

What happened to me is awful. In these blog posts I describe some of my hurts. The Root of my Hurt and I am Free. These 2 posts have, in my eye, a significant role as to how I got my head all messed up.

I fully realize now that I saw it all as things that happened to me instead of for me. And listen, I said I saw my Light…this does in no way mean that I am enlightened or any way near that. Shit happened beyond my control, it is now and has always been my responsibility to figure out how I deal with it and in what way I incorporate it in my present life. What I know and feel now, is that I found my source, my fire, my way to reconnect with the Blessed Queen deep inside. I am working my hardest, every day, numerous times a day to keep that mindset and building on that connection. It is not easy, I can tell you that. But the thing I am aware of, and am certain of being the reason I chose to no longer be imprisoned by my mental illness, is that I am convinced that I deserve better and I want better. I truly want to become the best that I can be.

Where in Am I?, I was confused on how I could or should find the motivation for living and truly nothing made sense to me. Now my motivation comes from what I wish for myself in life and this unspeakable drive to achieve my goals in order to enlighten, improve, and change my mindset to where it is fulfilled with excitement, dedication, love, caring and understanding.

For me this is big! Never ever had I the believe that I was entitled or worthy of setting certain goals, let alone capable of actually reaching them.

What thrills me now is, knowing that my mind has the ability to make me feel so fucked up about myself, unworthy and even have me wish to end my life. Image what my mind and ultimately I can physically do, if I feed it positivity, constructive knowledge, goals, visions and dreams? Sure this scares me a bit, these are parts unknown. Misery is my comfort. So in order to leave that behind, I need to step out of that comfort zone. I have to truly trust and believe in my goals and the way they make me feel.

Start being comfortable with feeling uncomfortable this is where my growth is.


I saw my Light…

…and it is within ME

Now I am not saying that I am healed from my Depression or however one would call it once on the other side. But after watching a series of motivational YouTube videos and listening to speakers on Tedx, I feel as if my eyes just went from barely able to see the light of day, to wide open and fully aware of a Light, beaming out a profound Power through my whole body. I feel as if a part of my mind has been accessed and awakened, that had been dormant for I don’t know how long.

It was during my after-gym-shower that I realized, that I was in charge! All I needed was a chain of small decisions and steps. Like I had just done. I chose to get up and off the couch, put on my gym gear, open&close the door behind me, walk to my gym, open the door, walk in and just do some exercises that I was the least opposed to doing…starting small. This win that I had, made me see that I could choose to either be in pain for feeling miserable about myself, my life, my body and where my life is now and where it is headed. Or I could experience a different kind of pain. A pain of dragging myself off the couch and putting on gym gear and go work out, a pain of laying off the less healthier foods, read a book instead of watching some fake influencers, learn from inspirational speakers instead of comparing myself to Instafamous people. I could choose to feed myself negativity and suffer the mental and physical consequences and stay on the draining and empty road of defeat. Or I could take the path of enlightenment, growth and long term prosperity. It was and mostly still is, all up to Me.

I know I knew this, I consciously and unconsciously have had the joy of experiencing this in the past. But never did I do so with the full awareness. And many might read and think to themselves: “duh you silly! Under what rock have you been living your whole life?!” Well, several to be honest. The ones of sexual abuse, neglect, self hatred, PTSD, depression…just to name a few.

And sure, there is little voice, a murderous part of me, that doesn’t dare to step out into the light. That would rather stay in this comfort zone called negativity and fruitless stagnant state of mind. However, my Believe in my own Greatness is bigger than this noise. I need to put in the work and focus on the goals I am going to achieve instead of thinking of and giving power to what it will take to get there.

I need to keep going, it will not all come to me this clear or happen overnight. Repetition and consistency will be the key for me to truly heal and transform. I have to consciously celebrate every small step and decision that will help me achieve what it is that I truly desire. And I believe that this small shift of thinking, is what will get me past this depression and into a lifestyle of happiness.


How I Self Medicate

In order to cope with the deafening negative noise inside myself I found myself reaching out to some substances that I thought would help me redirect the focus, and numb my feelings. I am well aware that the things mentioned below were not fixing anything. But I was so deep in the dark that I couldn’t see it or even care.

Let me start off with the worst of them all alcohol. This is some dangerous poison, that when consumed for the wrong reasons it will do more harm than help. And unfortunately I have had a lot, a lot! of occasions where the combination of alcohol and myself brought out a person in me, I do not wish to see. In my earlier blogpost My Inner Kruella, you can read all about it. With this depression however I found myself really trying to combat the urge to drink. I had become fearful and ashamed of my Kruella. I was experiencing that I was needing more and more alcohol to numb myself. And the more I consumed, the nastier the hangovers and the set backs were. Just 1 episode of drinking eventually set me back 3 steps, made me feel even more depressed and really fed my anxiety. The struggle is real, but I try to refrain from drinking and when I do drink, be more conscious.

Secondly comes my true love food. Food is so Good, for the numbing, celebratory and rewarding function I attached to it. In my upbringing food always played a huge part. It was a way of bonding, when cooking together; feeding the body when eating right and abundance when celebrating. And in my adulthood I kept the same morals. Only, when suffering from mental illness or any type of stress I would flip the script and take it to a whole other level. For me it became: the more the better, the nastier the better, enough was never enough. And here too, I knew it didn’t help, but when I was in those truly dark places, I would grab anything I could take a hold of, just to keep me from drowning. And now after all those days, weeks of eating like crazy and having food delivered, I am full. My clothes don’t fit me, my body aches and my bank account is empty. I finally have come to the point where I kinda feel, that enough is enough!

Netflix&Youtube, this was and still is a true addiction. I could go days without having a full nights sleep. Too afraid of letting go of the distraction and too afraid of what tomorrow would bring. I would rather keep watching other people instead of living in my own reality. It is such an easy escape, as I didn’t have the energy to concentrate on reading, watching or doing anything else with more substance. I was too restless and living in a negative mindset. I saw everything, from really crappy content and shows to less crappy. And nowadays I try to focus more on inspirational and constructive content.

My most recent addition is coffee. When I was younger I couldn’t stand the taste or smell of coffee and coffee breath. I even had some sort of intolerance for caffeine where I would be nauseated for a solid 24hrs. But about 2 years ago I forced myself to truly start appreciating that dark brown liquid. I did this because I was in need of a new form of inflicting the numbness that I could use 24/7, as my job obviously doesn’t allow any of the above on duty or as for food, the amount that I was taking would literally keep me from doing my job the way I am supposed to. On my mentally tough days, I would drink so much coffee, it gave me the shakes, heat waves, racing heartbeat and sleepless nights. And here too, the detriments are starting to outweigh the benefits.

On my way to recovery and true healing I see myself redefining my self medicative choices and learning that at that time in need they were there for me and we became best of friends. But it is now time to seek healthier and more constructive medicine without going to the extreme.