Are We less than…?

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Throughout the years I have had many different reactions to my story, my past, my journey. People close and distant have been understanding, loving, comforting and uplifting. However just like in all aspects of the Universe, there have been those that were the opposite in their approach. Less understanding, less loving, less comforting and less uplifting. Intentionally or not, the way they left me feel was like the title of this blog…less than…

I have had people who didn’t believe in me or my growth. People who outspokenly said my life was not as good as theirs, or even that I could not possibly fulfill a certain life role being the way I was. Even though I know better, I would listen and take it as a truth.

Cause what do I know, being Mentally Ill and what not….

But I am here to tell you today that these are all lies! Untruths that are unnecessarily shared.

The fact that I have my struggles and battles to fight, does not mean I am not able to function or achieve like any other. Truth be told I believe that, the fact that I dare to openly face and overcome my obstacles and find my way into healing, makes me feel extra Powerful, Skilled and Uniquely Me.

And just like Ye said, it is a SuperPower.

Heal Yourself from a loving and compassionate place. Acknowledging that you are Unique, just like everybody else. And that your struggle is one of your Powers that will now lead as a stepping stone and extra drive to see the world through your Unique eyes. And remember keep pushing towards your Mental Wealth!

SO DON’T YOU EVER LET ANYBODY TELL YOU THAT BECAUSE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH STATE YOU ARE “LESS THAN”

Stay Blessed

Please check out my latest video A trip down memory lane on my channel. Appreciate the Love!

Burning Bridges

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This weekend I went on a trip down memory lane. I went to visit an area here in The Netherlands where I used to live.

Every since I moved I always felt this unease when I went back. I would always feel on edge, super anxious and nervous, days before I was supposed to head over there. It was never a placed I looked forward to revisiting.

The same was for this weekend. Sure, meeting up with certain people was something I do enjoy, there has just always been something about that area and part of my life I am not comfortable with.

But finally this weekend I managed to get to the bottom of it and in a way let go of that negative feeling. I found out that whenever I make huge changes, like finishing school, moving cities, changing jobs, I would literally burn bridges. It was something that I taught myself in order to cope with all that was happening. From moving across the world to the sexual abuse to the sense of abandonment from my family. I thought that if I forget all about it, all the hurt won’t be able to touch me anymore.

But how wrong was I! Although I might not remember specific events or conversations, I do remember how it all made me feel. And as I mentioned many times before, I tend to hold myself accountable for every unpleasant thing in my life to an unhealthy extent. It can get so bad that I am not able to see the positive, joyful and loving memories I do have.

This weekend I was able to see things more clearly. And I am so grateful. I learned that I have been taking my “negative” past and the old me way too seriously. I should really stop giving so many fucks! We all make mistakes, we all trip and fall. It’s about the times we get back up again!

If you want to see what I have been up to make sure to check out my YouTube channel. BlessedAsIAm!
https://youtu.be/YZOgv2y3sPA

13…

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…after 13 days straight. Eating better than well, doing my work outs, waking up early and going to bed early. Filling my days with building this new lifestyle that will serve me on all levels. 13 days straight…day 14 and I no longer can keep the darkness out.

I tried so hard not to fight the darkness. But embrace it and focus on building the new and light instead. But for today I have to call defeat…just for today. I am tired. I just need to catch my breath. Tomorrow is a new day, a new day to keep on building…

Dear little Girl

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Please bare with me while I write this letter to you. I hope the words come out right and are able to do justice to how I feel.

Recently I found this screenshot of an old photo of you. And what I saw hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden I saw YOU, I saw Me and I saw all the Pain.

Not one adult stepped in and did their job of protecting you, therefore I want you to know that I am here for you now. At that age the two people who should have been the most important, loving, guiding, protecting and influential in your life failed you miserably and I am so sorry! I can see now, that the woman who gave birth to you is just as guilty as that so called father that abused you. I am so sorry baby girl, I am so sorry, but I am here now. It is time for you to let go of the burden, you may rest now. I am here, I will be your voice, I will protect you and I will fight for you.

Today I promise you that I will dedicate my life to see you shine, to see you laugh as often as possible and as loud as possible. I will do my very best to protect you from any evil spirit that tries to hurt your soul. Cause little one, you have had enough, and I understand now why you are so tired. You were given a job that you were never supposed to have been introduced to in the first place. But you took it on without complaining because you thought that, was how love and being a child was supposed to be. I cannot even imagine how you managed to do that, all by yourself!

Thank you for making it this far. I salute you! I am here now. I am taking over. It is my time now to make you Proud. You may enjoy the fruits of your hard labor. I see you and I vow to you that I will see you every single day! I love you

The Root of My Hurt

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It all started when I was about 4 years old. This man came into my life. Meant to complete that picture of a traditional family. Be the figure to love me and guide me into building my personal foundation. Lovingly teach me about men and masculinity. Supposedly be the father I never really had…

Instead he chose to show his love and fulfill the fatherly role differently. From a dark place inside himself whether nature or nurture, he made a decision to feed his angry needs. Feeding on a little girl that was me. Depriving me of the positive, loving and constructive fuel that I needed for my base. The base that would be the core from where I could build on and fall back on whenever I faced hardships.

He chose to use my body, mind and soul for nearly a decade. He had his own way of tucking me in at night. As a bedtime story he would tell me how much he loved me, appreciated me and needed me. He would ask if I loved him too… Young as I was I thought this just had to be the way it works. Cause he was “daddy”, the loving father. Deep down I felt there was something wrong. Whenever he needed to nourish his angry needs, he would make it come across as a special moment we shared, a secret just for the two of us.

At the age of 13 I no longer wanted to be part of that secret that  was hurting me and leaving me empty of all the hopes&dreams, love and strength, guidance and protection.

Although I realize it only now while writing…this was the first time I outspokenly chose ME.

The Power of Choice

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In life one always has a choice. Stating that you don’t is limiting yourself of rising above whatever it is that you are facing. And it all might make you feel as if facing an obstacle that is leaving you without a choice.

There is always one. If you know where to look, you will always find the options that lay before you. Feeling overwhelmed and feeling as if you do not have a choice is in actuality you that is clouding your own judgement. I realize I am stating a bold statement here. But I truly believe this is true!

Once you dare to truly look within, learn how to listen and approach from a place of love. The options you have will reveal themselves and the deeper you dare to go, the right one will always be the one you eventually pick. Always trust that you will always pick the right one. Because differiating right from wrong is how you perceive the outcome of your choice. There is always something to learn in life and thus there will never be a wrong choice when you empower yourself to learn, grow and move forward.

Listen, some are hard to make and pick. Because some paths at first glance, seem so painful and maybe even impossible. But remember that when you are at the bottom of the mountain, you can never know how it feels to have that view from the top if you never take that first step uphill!

If you dare to be honest with yourself you know that you always have a choice as to how you deal with whatever comes on your path! Look at me, sexually abused, moving from my beautiful roots, experiencing abandonment, PTSD and most recently depression with suicidal thoughts, I could have chosen to stay where I was. Let myself be swallowed by the darkness and potentially taking my own life. Although hard to acknowledge and take action, I chose to seek help. And look where I am now. Falling in Love with myself and Truthfully enjoying every single step that I have taken and still am taking down hill and up hill!

You decide the gear you put on and take along to conquer that mountain. You decide what mountain you climb, you decide your pace, you decide what view you wish to experience. You decide. YOU CHOOSE, YOU EMPOWER YOU!

For Real For Real

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I thought I would share with you how I have been. Ever since I restarted blogging, quite a lot has changed. And surely with the current developments you could have seen on my other social media outlets, I felt it was just right to just catch up.

So much has changed as I look back at Am I?. I was so lost and in so much pain. Even though I can read the darkness in my earlier blogposts, they still do not capture the true gravity of how close I was to really take that road into ending it all. I was just tired, done… Thinking and feeling of the pain I was in, now hurts me so much and brings me to tears. I feel so sorry for having it all come that far. Having let all the outside factors touch me on such a level that I eventually turned against myself.

The road of therapy has been one that I am grateful for. As it allowed me to vent and openly talk about all my dark thoughts freely. Talking to someone who understands what you are going through on a medical and scientific level helped me understand me.

Now vs then on how I fill my days. I am in general a lot more active and social. I spend a lot less time on social media or watching tv. Going outside does not scare me as much as it used to. I am trying to build up a routine for myself. With things I enjoy right away and things that give me joy after completing them or in the long run.

Overall it all sounds super positive and to be cautiously optimistic, it is a great improvement. Once I found that switch described in I saw my Light… I started working even harder on my recovery and I am Blessed that it is all paying off. Just this past week or so I have had a slight draw back. This has to do with me coming forward with my abuse story and outing the offender. So many emotions surfaced that I could not place and in combination with a higher intake of alcohol due to social activities, I started getting more and more detached from my feelings. I haven’t been on point with building my new routine, in fact, I started falling back into my old ways. Bad diet, isolation, emotional withdrawal, numbing…all the stuff that never served me in the past! And I am well aware! Although it might sound crazy, I feel as if I am still in charge. I am letting myself feel whatever it is that I am feeling, but at the same time I am reminding myself of the great feeling I was starting to have continuously working on myself in a loving way.

In conclusion, the struggle is very much real and present. But I am loving it because I am no longer beating myself up over my “bad” days. I am embracing it all and giving myself room to grow, improve and keep my eyes on the price, that is Me.