Sharing is Caring

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Share your pain they say

Share the things that are troubling your mind

Trouble shared is trouble halved

But at times I rather keep it to myself and suffer in silence

I would rather crawl away

Cry in solitude and let all the thoughts that are poisoning my mind wash away with tears

And when I feel it is fit, I will crawl out of my lair and share what I can share

Cause you know what is even more paining

You can’t take away my pain

You can’t help me carry the weight that is on my shoulders

After I have shared you will lovingly try to comfort me with uplifting words and maybe even a hug

But what happens after that?

You will move on with your life

I will still be here

The pain will still be there

The sorrow will still be there

The tears will still come

Cause at the end of the day I am on my own in this struggle

This journey to healing, self love and acceptance

Cause after all is said and done

Who and what remains

Is me with my body mind and soul

Truth of the matter is sadly….you will never really know how I truly feel

Getting to know the Real Me

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I truly feel Blessed that I am empowered enough to get to know myself. And that I dare to look and learn to embrace the good, bad and the ugly.

Taking on the Path to Self Knowledge is one of Freedom! There is in my eyes no Greater good than opening your Eyes and Arms to Yourself. And I am just learning to do so.

Learning how to Fully embrace myself, is Learning how to Truly Practice Self Love. And I feel so Blessed that I am giving myself the chance to look within. I am Proud of Me. And I am curious to get to know Me even more and to fully Complete Me.

There is this saying that states that the ones who you love and who in return love you the most are the ones who are capable of hurting you the most. This INCLUDES YOU! You Hurting Yourself. And I, a woman that has seen different types of Evil can say that I have been my own worst enemy!

I no longer wish to treat myself so poorly. So moving forward I will face my trails and tribulations, my highs and my lows with compassion, love and forgiveness.

Too Much!

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A while ago I posted a few words on my Instagram . It was an expression of how I was feeling. Heck, it is an expression of how I have been feeling my whole life!

If I go back to when I was still a little girl, I remember always feeling different from everybody around me. Sure, I was this black girl who moved continents to live in this big strange white world. Aside from my own mother, no one looked like me. But that was not it. There was something deep down, something on a mental and emotional level.

Decades later, I still feel some sort of disconnect. As if I vibrate on a different frequency. On many different levels, people, close and distant alike, have found and told me that I make too much noise. That I can be rather intense whenever I choose to speak my mind. That I care too much, too long and too often. That I just should quiet down and let go.

But here’s the problem for me. If we choose to stay quiet about things that matter, how are we ever going to make that change? Me staying quiet about my sexual abuse was only beneficial to my abuser and his facilitators. Me staying quiet about my mental health only puts out an image that pleases the comfort level of others. Me staying quiet about injustice is me turning a blind eye. A blind eye to my true self.

This week I realized, in order for me to learn to love myself, I have to be free and willing to be myself. I am not for everybody, I am for Me

How Am I?

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It has been a while since I last did a real update on how I am doing and where I am in my journey of healing. In For Real For Real I was rather optimistic and feeling solid and sure in my progress and all that came with it. But things change…

In the above mentioned post I wrote about a wave of new emotions that had to do with my traumas. These emotions have been coming and going and at times they can hit me so hard that I am left paralyzed and confused.

I finally got to go to therapy. I was so looking forward to it and as I mentioned in my last update I really felt it was really constructive. Unfortunately I have been having some second thoughts about the therapist and his ways of therapy. Besides dealing with my hurts, I now also have to deal with the doubt whether or not I can continue being under his care.

I am eating a lot better and being more and more consistent with it. And I am happy to notice that I do not have any major cravings for alcohol or any of my former numbing foods. What I am working on now is trying to stick to a consistent work out routine. For the past few weeks whenever I started to feel worse, working out was usually the first thing I would stop doing.

Tomorrow will be my first day of work reintegration. And now, just a day before, I am not sure how to feel about that. To be honest I have had a tough few weeks where the suicidal thoughts have silently found their way back into my mind. They are not a constant, but I sure cannot deny their presence.

I have the feeling that I am slowly loosing it again. But what I would like to think and tell myself is that this feeling I am having, this scary monster that wants to creep in is actually the pain that wants to come out and be released. And so I will just wait and see, take it day by day and try to allow what ever it is be whatever it is….

In the midst of all this I decided to take BlessedAsIAm to YouTube! So please click on the link and have a look at my very first video! Welcome to BlessedAsIAM!

The Gift that keeps on Giving

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I don’t even know when or where that gift originated. How far back I would need to go, to see how that one gift could have so much impact. Did it start with the sexual abuse, or was it the day he put his eyes on me and saw the answer to his sick, predatory sexual needs? Or was it the day I was conceived, the day I was born? Maybe this didn’t start with me. It all might have originated decades ago, generations ago…

And here we are now. Still experiencing the generosity that one gift brought. One could wonder if it really could be put down to one single gift, event, action or inaction, that resulted in generations of build up and passing on. How it now has grown to this enormous, undeniable plague that will not be ignored, put down or shoved under the rug untill it is dealt with. Untill I take on that task and fully deal with it.

So yes, I believe that for me, when I was able to physically notice this oh so generous gift, was the moment I was conceived. When I took my first breath in an environment that was as the most fertile grounds for that gift, is when the giving started to take on more shape. Small gifts were dropped here and there till one of the biggest of all was presented to me, that so called father, the one that thought sex with me was the answer, Frank Meijer. In a way his gift was another one on itself, one that would only strengthen what was already passed on by my ancestors.

The gift that keeps on giving…seeing it as such only confirms that for many decades people have denied its existence. And now that it has reached me, it has become such a grave and ugly gift to unwrap. Dysfunction within families is what kept it growing and giving. But it stops here, I no longer wish to receive any of its gifts, nor do I wish this for the generations to come. I am working my hardest to make an end to this madness. Maybe that was my task all along, make it stop or die trying…

13…

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…after 13 days straight. Eating better than well, doing my work outs, waking up early and going to bed early. Filling my days with building this new lifestyle that will serve me on all levels. 13 days straight…day 14 and I no longer can keep the darkness out.

I tried so hard not to fight the darkness. But embrace it and focus on building the new and light instead. But for today I have to call defeat…just for today. I am tired. I just need to catch my breath. Tomorrow is a new day, a new day to keep on building…

Blessed As I Am

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During this journey of healing from the abuse and its aftermath, I have noticed that it is one hell of a ride! Of course I knew this, but it is 25 years after the actual sexual abuse came to an end I am still battling the darkness it brought into my life.

At times it feels as if I am strapped to this wheel with my body fully stretched. And as my journey goes, so does the wheel turn. At the lowest part of the wheel there is water, which allows my body to be fully submerged every time the wheel turns and my feet point to the sky. At the beginning of my journey, the water was so high that I only got to breathe whenever my head was at its highest point, up in the air. With my nose just above water level. Gradually the water level subsided. Thankfully so…

At this moment in time the water reaches just above my upper lip. With each turn, I go through a cycle of mental wealth. When I can breathe, all is well and I feel free and empowered. But as my head turns towards the water, darkness starts to creep in and I feel as if all hope is lost. All untill my crown breaks through the water surface and light is able to warm me and guide me to better days.

Although times can be really tough and trying. I am learning to appreciate and love the complete journey with its cycles. Even the moments when I can’t breathe. I am learning about who this Beautiful Queen actually is and what drives her. I am also learning like I mentioned in an earlier blog post, Destined for Greatness, that all this serves a greater purpose.

I created BlessedAsIAm in 2015, 4 years down the road and I can’t be happier with the title. Cause I truly feel Blessed As I Am!