What is going on?!

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For the past 2 Sundays I was not able to publish a new blog post. And I feel as if I am disappointing the people that read my blog and are following me, as well as myself.

Truth of the matter is that I am still dealing with my Mental Health and thus juggling all that I desire at times is just too hard.

I mentioned this before that at these moments, when I try to do more, really push myself, my mind goes on overdrive and overheats. As a result some tasks then seem too much to complete and I just freeze. These past weeks my Blog had to take the fall…

I do still have enough that I want to share with you. So that is not the point. I have come to a crossroads and I am figuring out how it is that I want to continue, with what tone I want to share my story.

I mentioned before that I started a YouTube Channel, called BlessedAsIAm too. I have been enjoying that journey till now and I would very much like to explore it further.

I just wanted to come here today to apologize and show myself, I am not gone, I haven’t forgotten about you or this platform. I am just figuring things out. If you would like to see my latest video, please click here.

For now,

Stay Blessed

Are We less than…?

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Throughout the years I have had many different reactions to my story, my past, my journey. People close and distant have been understanding, loving, comforting and uplifting. However just like in all aspects of the Universe, there have been those that were the opposite in their approach. Less understanding, less loving, less comforting and less uplifting. Intentionally or not, the way they left me feel was like the title of this blog…less than…

I have had people who didn’t believe in me or my growth. People who outspokenly said my life was not as good as theirs, or even that I could not possibly fulfill a certain life role being the way I was. Even though I know better, I would listen and take it as a truth.

Cause what do I know, being Mentally Ill and what not….

But I am here to tell you today that these are all lies! Untruths that are unnecessarily shared.

The fact that I have my struggles and battles to fight, does not mean I am not able to function or achieve like any other. Truth be told I believe that, the fact that I dare to openly face and overcome my obstacles and find my way into healing, makes me feel extra Powerful, Skilled and Uniquely Me.

And just like Ye said, it is a SuperPower.

Heal Yourself from a loving and compassionate place. Acknowledging that you are Unique, just like everybody else. And that your struggle is one of your Powers that will now lead as a stepping stone and extra drive to see the world through your Unique eyes. And remember keep pushing towards your Mental Wealth!

SO DON’T YOU EVER LET ANYBODY TELL YOU THAT BECAUSE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH STATE YOU ARE “LESS THAN”

Stay Blessed

Please check out my latest video A trip down memory lane on my channel. Appreciate the Love!

Burning Bridges

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This weekend I went on a trip down memory lane. I went to visit an area here in The Netherlands where I used to live.

Every since I moved I always felt this unease when I went back. I would always feel on edge, super anxious and nervous, days before I was supposed to head over there. It was never a placed I looked forward to revisiting.

The same was for this weekend. Sure, meeting up with certain people was something I do enjoy, there has just always been something about that area and part of my life I am not comfortable with.

But finally this weekend I managed to get to the bottom of it and in a way let go of that negative feeling. I found out that whenever I make huge changes, like finishing school, moving cities, changing jobs, I would literally burn bridges. It was something that I taught myself in order to cope with all that was happening. From moving across the world to the sexual abuse to the sense of abandonment from my family. I thought that if I forget all about it, all the hurt won’t be able to touch me anymore.

But how wrong was I! Although I might not remember specific events or conversations, I do remember how it all made me feel. And as I mentioned many times before, I tend to hold myself accountable for every unpleasant thing in my life to an unhealthy extent. It can get so bad that I am not able to see the positive, joyful and loving memories I do have.

This weekend I was able to see things more clearly. And I am so grateful. I learned that I have been taking my “negative” past and the old me way too seriously. I should really stop giving so many fucks! We all make mistakes, we all trip and fall. It’s about the times we get back up again!

If you want to see what I have been up to make sure to check out my YouTube channel. BlessedAsIAm!
https://youtu.be/YZOgv2y3sPA

Changed Perspective

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Like I shared in my last weeks blog Does Something Greater Await Me?, I was looking at one of my tried and trusted mantras in a whole new way.

I had been saying this to myself for years, maybe even decades. Along this one I used to say The best is yet to come.

A few years back I kinda already realized that these statements would not work for me. As you might know I had been doing all these challenges back in 2015/2016. I felt so good crushing my goals. I had created this lifestyle that was benefitting me in all kind of areas. I felt healthy, strong, I was productive, mentally strong and considering, happy for very long periods of time. I literally felt on top of the world.

But…yes…here it comes. Besides having all these challenges I managed to put myself on and successfully so, I had some personal wishes. Deep inside I thought, when I do this, manage to create this type of lifestyle, I will be able to truly be happy and attract&get the things I truly desire.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. After having completed all these challenges and being in the best physical and mental state I had been in decades, I was expecting some type of reward. I was expecting that Greater, that Best. And when it didn’t come the way I expected it too, I was devastated and believed that no matter what I do, I will never gain in life what my heart truly desires. And I fell back, back in my old and self destructing ways…

What I know now is, that Best, that Greater, that Reward is Now! This is the most precious it has and will ever be. As I grow, keep pushing and evolving. Implementing what I have learned and truly enjoying the journey itself, I won’t have to craze my mind with : If I do this, then I will be happy…

From now on NOW will be my key word. I am most powerful right here and right now!

Does Something Greater Await Me?

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Something Greater awaits me I used to say

Today I realized that my Greater and Best lies

in my Now

As I focus on growing, learning, becoming greater with each passing moment

I will never be Greater as I am in my now

I see now that there is no Greater Good than

This very Present Moment!

This mindset pushes me to be the best I can be at the present time, at this very moment

If I fucked up yesterday, do better now

If I fucked up last month,

3 years or 20 years ago

NOW that I know better I will DO better!

Beating myself up won’t change a damn thing

Better put that energy in Doing Better

Acknowledge Embrace Evolve

Sharing is Caring

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Share your pain they say

Share the things that are troubling your mind

Trouble shared is trouble halved

But at times I rather keep it to myself and suffer in silence

I would rather crawl away

Cry in solitude and let all the thoughts that are poisoning my mind wash away with tears

And when I feel it is fit, I will crawl out of my lair and share what I can share

Cause you know what is even more paining

You can’t take away my pain

You can’t help me carry the weight that is on my shoulders

After I have shared you will lovingly try to comfort me with uplifting words and maybe even a hug

But what happens after that?

You will move on with your life

I will still be here

The pain will still be there

The sorrow will still be there

The tears will still come

Cause at the end of the day I am on my own in this struggle

This journey to healing, self love and acceptance

Cause after all is said and done

Who and what remains

Is me with my body mind and soul

Truth of the matter is sadly….you will never really know how I truly feel

Getting to know the Real Me

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I truly feel Blessed that I am empowered enough to get to know myself. And that I dare to look and learn to embrace the good, bad and the ugly.

Taking on the Path to Self Knowledge is one of Freedom! There is in my eyes no Greater good than opening your Eyes and Arms to Yourself. And I am just learning to do so.

Learning how to Fully embrace myself, is Learning how to Truly Practice Self Love. And I feel so Blessed that I am giving myself the chance to look within. I am Proud of Me. And I am curious to get to know Me even more and to fully Complete Me.

There is this saying that states that the ones who you love and who in return love you the most are the ones who are capable of hurting you the most. This INCLUDES YOU! You Hurting Yourself. And I, a woman that has seen different types of Evil can say that I have been my own worst enemy!

I no longer wish to treat myself so poorly. So moving forward I will face my trails and tribulations, my highs and my lows with compassion, love and forgiveness.