The Odd one out

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Recently I told my therapist that I feel as if I just don’t get this whole concept called Life. I just don’t get it… I have always felt like I don’t belong. Like I was this weird human being that had time traveled to the future, walking amongst human creatures that were far more evolved than I am. And that I just could not manage to catch up. For as long as I can remember I have always felt different. I know that even as a little girl, who had just moved to Europe from Africa, I had a hard time understanding how people literally work. And I am not talking about the obvious cultural differences or even the language barrier at the very start. I just didn’t get it, still don’t get it, I still feel lost…

I know that I am very sensitive and highly affected by pain and pain caused by others and general injustice. I am a woman that can’t stop over analyzing certain human interactions and emotions that come with it. As I have had my fair share of hurt, self inflicted as well as put upon me and some of which I am not even able to recollect its origin, I don’t understand why people can intentionally hurt each other. And sometimes invest with such passion in their evilness, rather than putting that energy into looking within and try to understand where that urge for hurting comes from.
This at times makes me feel numb around other people. Feel as if I am invisible, as if my whole being is vibrating on another level.

My brother once said: Woman you cannot save the world and you should really stop trying to, how noble of you it may be. And I would just nod, but still not able to let go. How could one just let go and stop caring. How do I stop?

You know what they say: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Well, I feel as if “everybody” is able to do so. Some even make such damn good lemonade, they are enjoying it as if they are sippin’ on the finest champagne. And I am out here, gulping on this watered down tart liquid that is just about able to keep me from dehydrating.

Crazy at it may seem, I always felt that my oddness had a purpose. How uncomfortable and confusing it may be. That it was destined for greatness, for the greater good. Hopefully I will be here long enough to see it or maybe it is just a matter of opening my eyes to live it.

My Progress…

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A few months into my journey to healing, I thought I might share how it all has been so far.

A few months ago I was really in a dark place. I was literally done… I had expressed to some close friends that I was tired of fighting and that I felt as if there was just one way out… A dear friend managed to convince me to ask for professional help. And so I applied for help. Unfortunately there was a waiting list of at least 28 weeks in my home town. I knew I wouldn’t be able to make it through that time in one piece so I chose to seek help farther away from home, with the option of relocating once there was an open spot closer to home.

Therapy started. It felt as if I finally managed to grab that lifeline that would prevent me from drowning. For me therapy is like talking to someone familiar who is able to respond on a higher psychological manner and without any judgement. After having recaptured the how and why from my point of view, the first order of business was getting me off the couch and out of the house. Before we were even going to tackle the thoughts, cognitive behavioral therapy, I needed to get out of isolation.

Now 1,5 months into therapy, I am slowly but surely more able to push myself and get out of the house. I am lucky to be surrounded by friends and family members who are truly stepping up and embracing this version of me and its needs. I, on the other hand am still struggling with what is going on and where this will lead to. I still don’t see or feel the point of it all. The purpose of me living. They say it takes time…so I guess I just have to be patient, keep on going and keep an open mind.

VeganLisious

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Who would’ve thought that I would even get it in that Pretty, Crazy mind of mine to challenge myself into going on a vegan diet for a month? An African girl with the name Mashumba, wich stands for Lion, as a representation of our family, the girl who believed a meal without meat wasn’t a real meal. Too much meat was something that you would never hear coming out of my mouth. And still I took on that challenge or maybe because of…

I successfully finished my challenge about a week ago. I have to confess that since then I have been eating as if I had a lot to catch up with! But in reality, I didn’t really miss the meat, fish, poultry or dairy. These 31 days left me feeling and looking amazing and light from the inside out as I was eating really clean. Making everything myself and as far as I could afford, using mostly organic produce. As a bonus I ate whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted and I still ended up losing some weight.

People would ask me what I’d eat. Well, I am Blessed to love food, cooking and trying new things. So out of all the produce there is, there are just a few things that I’d rather not eat. My favorite ingredients when making a meal, were red cabbage, okra, sweet potato, pumpkin, chillies, garlic, fresh fruits, berries, coconut oil, peanut butter, corn, beans…let me stop here, cause I could go on and on. To give you an idea of what I would eat I will name a few things.

Breakfast: Overnight oats with unsweetened almond milk (or coconut rice milk), topped with berries or any fresh fruit, roasted coconut shavings and raw nuts. Cooked oatmeal with almond milk and peanut butter, fresh fruits/berries and raw nuts. Smoothie with frozen banana, fruits and veggies. Lunch: This usually consisted of a cold or warm salad full of veggies. The dressing I loved to make was with fresh lime juice, olive oil and fresh herbs like cilantro, mint and parsley. If I were in a hurry I would have ezekiel raisin bread with peanut butter. Snacks: Would be more fruits, left overs, raw nuts or khorasan wheat cakes with peanut butter or home made pumpkin spread. Dinner: Guess what…more veggies with either rice or roasted sweet potato. I even made vegan pizza from scratch. For some extra protein I would eat tempeh, seitan or other vegan meats.

The whole ride has been pretty easy. It was only in the end that I had some major cravings, but just because I knew the month was about to end and I thought that I needed whatever I was craving. The challenge, as hoped, gave me new insights, learned me more about myself and my surroundings. I know now that I can easily live without eating any animal (by) products. I am learning to appreciate myself more and more with each passing day. I am capable of accomplishing anything if I just put my mind to it. And as I wrote in my last blog article, I am loving Me, more and more, becoming my biggest Fan! I also got to explore cities throughout the world in a different way as I would try out the local vegan cuisine.

Moving forward I would like to go back to my plant based diet after this week of eating anything but vegan. I know now that it is mostly make believe, although I love my meat, it doesn’t give me the same satisfaction as eating clean, wholesome, plant based meals. I will probably have non vegan food weekly because I want to, I can and I am Blessed as I am.

Aint it Funny…

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Aint it funny how your emotional state can define how some people close to you treat you? How they deal with you, are there for you or celebrate you? It seems as if they are better capable of handling with your struggles than celebrating your happiness and growth?

All these challenges that I created for myself have taught me a great deal about myself. As a bonus it gave me some insight in how not everybody is there to see me progressing, actually winning. We all choose our own path in this journey called life. None is better than the other as we all are different and require different tools and thus shouldn’t compare. So the fact that I am not drinking alcohol for a whole year, eating only plant based food for a month, not buying any new clothes or shoes (with some exceptions) for a year, working on building up this healthy lifestyle with frequent exercise, does not mean my life is boring, it does not mean that I am doing it the wrong way or beig too extra. Nor does it mean that I am asking for your opinion for that matter. It just means that I, if any, would like your support, as I am working on being the best Me that I can be. I will admit, it might be somewhat different, unique, but it works for Me, and that’s all that counts.

I have learned that I am able of doing anything if I will only set my mind to it and put in the work. I know now how ridiculous my thoughts and feelings used to be, in thinking that everybody was better in anything, than I was. That I was a less likable person than anybody else. That the whole world had all these amazing qualities and abilities, except me. I am my own number 1 now, in priority and love. I am my biggest fan now, cause if I don’t believe in myself, if I don’t support myself, how can I ever expect anybody else to do so.

Sure there are some nuances, as I have also learned that I can be really tough on myself and occasionally have too high expectations of myself and people around me. So this is me venting, as my journey and challenges have given me some new knowledge. Some people are all ears when you are down and out. When you are not confident or happy with yourself and the life that you are living. But when you finally see the light, the seemingly sincere interest dissapears.

But you know what, Imma be Happy, Imma do Me. Imma push through, with or without and regardless of anyone’s opinion. Cause I am Blessed As I Am!

Still Sober

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It is true what they say. No matter what it is that you are doing or going through. Time will pass nevertheless. Regardless of how productive you are, that minute, those 30 minutes, that day, those months…it will all pass.
So why not choose to spend that precious time doing something for the better. Why not work on being the best you that you can be, instead of just dealing with life in a passive way. Seeing the days literally pass by and asking yourself, where did the time go?

Acknowledging this, I can’t believe it has already been 6 months, 183 days and approximately 4390 hours since I had my last drink. I can actually say that I have been sober for half a year! And I am damn proud of it. I am happy that I chose to take on this challenge. It could have easily been so different. Me still drinking, hurting myself and others around me. Needlessly spending a lot of money, just to get away of things, feelings, thoughts that I didn’t want to deal with. Or to be honest not daring to deal with my true self, as I thought that I wasn’t enough.

Although I was making some progress in my healing, I know that I wouldn’t have accomplished as much as I have now, were I still drinking.
I used to call myself a little alcoholic, jokily. At times I just loved that buzz too much. But I could easily refrain from drinking if I wished to do so. There were moments that I would be drinking without even really enjoying the taste or the feeling it gave me. At those moments I didn’t see the use of spending that amount of money, dealing with the hangover or the use of truly experiencing my desperate need to be anything other than myself. And these were the moments that made the difference, the moments that I started reevaluating my life and my actions. I needed to do better, I could do better. And for me to do so, I needed to change some things.

I can truly recommend it to anyone who like I drinks for the wrong reasons or likes it just a little too much or exposes their Inner Cruella too often. And trust me, you know who you are. In order to get different outcomes in life, you have to do things different. Being sober has cleared my mind and so much more! You can take it step by step. Challenge yourself for a week, a month, 3 months, whatever works best. You don’t even have to make it infinite. My challenge now is for a year, but I might just decide to make it a forever….

For now I am loving the Blessing it has been and the Blessings it keeps on giving. I am proud and still going strong! On to the next 6 months!

Just a Random Fuck

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When we met I thought you were so damn fine. As I laid my eyes on you I cursed as I knew you could be bad news. Mad hot, but so bad! I cursed cause I knew I wanted you, I wanted you near, I wanted us to be.
You were smooth. Like the ladies man you were and held yourself with no shame, you reeled me in. Even when you told me you weren’t a “one woman man”, I fell for whatever you were willing to give and I enjoyed the us that we were.
I assumed you enjoyed us too, the “we” that we were becoming. I thought that you enjoyed me as I was, flaws and all. As long as it lasted I felt like the only woman. Deep down I knew better. Slowly the change came. There were these jabs. Hurtful things you would say to me. Things about the way I looked, things about the way I held myself, things about how I looked at life, things about how I acted when we were intimate. At that moment the guy I thought I knew, the guy I trusted, told all about my hurts and blessings, my hopes and dreams. The one with whom I shared tears, laughter and knowledge, that guy I got to trust intimately on a level so passionately and free, would turn on me as if I was nothing more than a random fuck.

All was so unnecessary but ooh so effective. Bit by bit you started to tear me down. You managed to make me doubt myself, feel bad about myself and eventually believe all the ugly things you said to me.
Although the years have past and our relationship has changed, I still can’t seem to completely shut you out. You still seek attention, that I reluctantly and very sparsely give. Because crazy as it seems, I do care about you deeply. I try to focus on the good that is in you and forgive.

Lately my strength and courage are taking over. My body and dirty mind still wishes to engage with yours. But my heart is speaking up now. You took away the playful, joyful, passionate, secure atmosphere we used to have when we were intimate. You wonder why I keep pushing you away and till now I couldn’t find the words to describe how I feel. But I can now…How can I ever open myself up again to where I too can enjoy our intimacy, to where I feel like your equal and be free to express my true self. How can I ever believe the positive words that are coming out of your mouth. How can I forget the way you made me feel? Will you ever be able to truly be with me and show it in a way, so I no longer feel like just a random fuck? Any other woman I would’ve given the advise to walk away, or better yet run! These interactions aren’t serving me, so why do I keep holding on?

This soberness is doing it’s work, cause I can see clearer now. I am here for Me. And I wish to grow, be beautiful, be loved for who I am and stay Blessed. As you can not seem to walk beside me as peers, I ask you to please let me be. Let me be the great self that I can and may be! I understand my worth now!

I am Free

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This might be the hardest thing I ever had to face. Finding the right words to describe what I feel without getting too emotional or mentioning unnecessary details. Not long ago I hinted at the life changing decision I made…well, here it is. With tears in my eyes, a heavy heart, a sense of fear but also relief I am sharing this with you.

While dealing with what happened in the past, I harbored a lot of anger and sometimes even pure rage. A lot of that anger was easy to explain. Many therapy sessions, breakdowns and a lot of self reflection helped me lose a huge part of that anger. But still some remained. Telling myself that I did not know where it came from only made it worse. I was so afraid, wanting to shield myself from another form of betrayal. One potentially bigger than my so called father put on me. It hurt so much, opening up my eyes to the pain I felt and acknowledging that it was you who still had such a hold on me.

You used to tell me you wanted a child. But at that age, in whatever situation you might have been and with all that was to come, were you ready to be my mother…?

I have made peace with the role you play in my life. I let go of all expectations. I have forgiven your disloyalty. No longer am I trying to understand the choices you made. I decide not to be affected by the people you select to have relations with, I distance myself emotionally so your words and actions won’t hurt me no more. I am my own woman now. I am beautiful from the inside and out. I have great potential and the means to exploit them. I am free.

Once again, I choose ME