hurts

Words Can’t Explain…

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I just can’t believe how much happier I am today.  I have so much gratitude for where I am now. Never would I’ve thought that my Happiness was possible. Let alone believe that it would lie in a place so near, so reachable.

I came from a far, deep, dark, ugly and hurtful place. This place was my home, for the longest time that I can remember. I can even say that for the longest time of my life, I stayed at that horrible place. Day by day wishing that things would change, hoping for brighter days to come. Not understanding why I was going through what I was going through. Thinking that that, was what my life was about. Even looking at others, wishing for their strength, joy and happiness. On my darkest moments I even wished to no longer exist…I was so tired…longing for it all to end. No more hope for better days. Believing that I deserved to end it all and be free…

Damn what a difference time makes. I had a lot of help from family, friends, experts and strangers. And in a way food, cigarets, alcohol and buying new stuff helped me through some sad moments every now and then. But there was a source I never knew could be so empowering and satisfying. A source that grows when fed with positivity, love and patience. This source surprisingly turned out to be ME, the one person that truly made this happen is ME! This is such an emotional statement to make. But I know now, that it was ME all along. I have that power, I have that strenght, I AM my Happiness.

Sure am grateful for all the help I got, really am. But I can tell you this, no matter how often or hard people try to shine a light on your Greatness, as long as you don’t believe it, don’t feel it, don’t see it…it won’t lead you to your true Happiness. You truly have to understand that it is all YOU! You make the dark days brighter, you make yourself stronger, happier, Blessed… Even if you don’t see it now, hold on, keep going! That Bright and Warm light is on it’s way!

I Love Myself now

I Am Beautiful

I Am My Happiness

I Am My Greatness

I Am My Love

I Am Blessed As I Am

….and then some.

 

My Inner Kruella

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I have been doing a lot better with dealing with this Kruella person. Getting rid of a lot of anger has helped keeping her dormant. But just a few weeks ago, without a clear warning, she reappeared. I won’t get into details. I don’t even remember what exactly happened. But it involved, disrespectful arguments and unspeakable deeds.

I am not ashamed, nor am I proud. It is a part of me, it makes me whole, makes me ME, completes me. But there is a time, when through the consumption of too much alcohol, I cross a line and Kruella comes out in full force. She acts as an instrument to channel my own hurts into negative energy as so to potentially hurt others and myself. At times that are loved ones, people I care deeply about. As this is a part of me, I can’t get rid of her. What I can do, is to choose to minimize her influence on my being. I can use her as a motivation for who I don’t want to be. Use the negative and destructive energy as a motivation to build a better ME. A more positive ME, a ME that wishes to inspire and spread love instead of hurt.

It is ok to have your Inner Kruella’s. What matters is how you choose to use them in your journey. What matters is that at the bottom of the equation you are happy with yourself and are accountable for all your actions and words. In order to do this I have chosen to refrain from consuming any alcohol for at least a year. This is not a new year’s resolution, I started a few weeks ago. Not only to keep Kruella away, but also to challenge myself. See what good can happen in a year. I will speak on this in a later post.

I have been away for a while, my apologies. Things just haven’t exactly worked out as I wished, as I did not put in the work… This journey is real and I am forever learning and getting better.

Talk to you soon. Happy New Year to you all, in Love and Light!