What is going on?!

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For the past 2 Sundays I was not able to publish a new blog post. And I feel as if I am disappointing the people that read my blog and are following me, as well as myself.

Truth of the matter is that I am still dealing with my Mental Health and thus juggling all that I desire at times is just too hard.

I mentioned this before that at these moments, when I try to do more, really push myself, my mind goes on overdrive and overheats. As a result some tasks then seem too much to complete and I just freeze. These past weeks my Blog had to take the fall…

I do still have enough that I want to share with you. So that is not the point. I have come to a crossroads and I am figuring out how it is that I want to continue, with what tone I want to share my story.

I mentioned before that I started a YouTube Channel, called BlessedAsIAm too. I have been enjoying that journey till now and I would very much like to explore it further.

I just wanted to come here today to apologize and show myself, I am not gone, I haven’t forgotten about you or this platform. I am just figuring things out. If you would like to see my latest video, please click here.

For now,

Stay Blessed

Burning Bridges

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This weekend I went on a trip down memory lane. I went to visit an area here in The Netherlands where I used to live.

Every since I moved I always felt this unease when I went back. I would always feel on edge, super anxious and nervous, days before I was supposed to head over there. It was never a placed I looked forward to revisiting.

The same was for this weekend. Sure, meeting up with certain people was something I do enjoy, there has just always been something about that area and part of my life I am not comfortable with.

But finally this weekend I managed to get to the bottom of it and in a way let go of that negative feeling. I found out that whenever I make huge changes, like finishing school, moving cities, changing jobs, I would literally burn bridges. It was something that I taught myself in order to cope with all that was happening. From moving across the world to the sexual abuse to the sense of abandonment from my family. I thought that if I forget all about it, all the hurt won’t be able to touch me anymore.

But how wrong was I! Although I might not remember specific events or conversations, I do remember how it all made me feel. And as I mentioned many times before, I tend to hold myself accountable for every unpleasant thing in my life to an unhealthy extent. It can get so bad that I am not able to see the positive, joyful and loving memories I do have.

This weekend I was able to see things more clearly. And I am so grateful. I learned that I have been taking my “negative” past and the old me way too seriously. I should really stop giving so many fucks! We all make mistakes, we all trip and fall. It’s about the times we get back up again!

If you want to see what I have been up to make sure to check out my YouTube channel. BlessedAsIAm!
https://youtu.be/YZOgv2y3sPA

Changed Perspective

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Like I shared in my last weeks blog Does Something Greater Await Me?, I was looking at one of my tried and trusted mantras in a whole new way.

I had been saying this to myself for years, maybe even decades. Along this one I used to say The best is yet to come.

A few years back I kinda already realized that these statements would not work for me. As you might know I had been doing all these challenges back in 2015/2016. I felt so good crushing my goals. I had created this lifestyle that was benefitting me in all kind of areas. I felt healthy, strong, I was productive, mentally strong and considering, happy for very long periods of time. I literally felt on top of the world.

But…yes…here it comes. Besides having all these challenges I managed to put myself on and successfully so, I had some personal wishes. Deep inside I thought, when I do this, manage to create this type of lifestyle, I will be able to truly be happy and attract&get the things I truly desire.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. After having completed all these challenges and being in the best physical and mental state I had been in decades, I was expecting some type of reward. I was expecting that Greater, that Best. And when it didn’t come the way I expected it too, I was devastated and believed that no matter what I do, I will never gain in life what my heart truly desires. And I fell back, back in my old and self destructing ways…

What I know now is, that Best, that Greater, that Reward is Now! This is the most precious it has and will ever be. As I grow, keep pushing and evolving. Implementing what I have learned and truly enjoying the journey itself, I won’t have to craze my mind with : If I do this, then I will be happy…

From now on NOW will be my key word. I am most powerful right here and right now!

Getting to know the Real Me

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I truly feel Blessed that I am empowered enough to get to know myself. And that I dare to look and learn to embrace the good, bad and the ugly.

Taking on the Path to Self Knowledge is one of Freedom! There is in my eyes no Greater good than opening your Eyes and Arms to Yourself. And I am just learning to do so.

Learning how to Fully embrace myself, is Learning how to Truly Practice Self Love. And I feel so Blessed that I am giving myself the chance to look within. I am Proud of Me. And I am curious to get to know Me even more and to fully Complete Me.

There is this saying that states that the ones who you love and who in return love you the most are the ones who are capable of hurting you the most. This INCLUDES YOU! You Hurting Yourself. And I, a woman that has seen different types of Evil can say that I have been my own worst enemy!

I no longer wish to treat myself so poorly. So moving forward I will face my trails and tribulations, my highs and my lows with compassion, love and forgiveness.

The Gift that keeps on Giving

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I don’t even know when or where that gift originated. How far back I would need to go, to see how that one gift could have so much impact. Did it start with the sexual abuse, or was it the day he put his eyes on me and saw the answer to his sick, predatory sexual needs? Or was it the day I was conceived, the day I was born? Maybe this didn’t start with me. It all might have originated decades ago, generations ago…

And here we are now. Still experiencing the generosity that one gift brought. One could wonder if it really could be put down to one single gift, event, action or inaction, that resulted in generations of build up and passing on. How it now has grown to this enormous, undeniable plague that will not be ignored, put down or shoved under the rug untill it is dealt with. Untill I take on that task and fully deal with it.

So yes, I believe that for me, when I was able to physically notice this oh so generous gift, was the moment I was conceived. When I took my first breath in an environment that was as the most fertile grounds for that gift, is when the giving started to take on more shape. Small gifts were dropped here and there till one of the biggest of all was presented to me, that so called father, the one that thought sex with me was the answer, Frank Meijer. In a way his gift was another one on itself, one that would only strengthen what was already passed on by my ancestors.

The gift that keeps on giving…seeing it as such only confirms that for many decades people have denied its existence. And now that it has reached me, it has become such a grave and ugly gift to unwrap. Dysfunction within families is what kept it growing and giving. But it stops here, I no longer wish to receive any of its gifts, nor do I wish this for the generations to come. I am working my hardest to make an end to this madness. Maybe that was my task all along, make it stop or die trying…

13…

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…after 13 days straight. Eating better than well, doing my work outs, waking up early and going to bed early. Filling my days with building this new lifestyle that will serve me on all levels. 13 days straight…day 14 and I no longer can keep the darkness out.

I tried so hard not to fight the darkness. But embrace it and focus on building the new and light instead. But for today I have to call defeat…just for today. I am tired. I just need to catch my breath. Tomorrow is a new day, a new day to keep on building…

Dear little Girl

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Please bare with me while I write this letter to you. I hope the words come out right and are able to do justice to how I feel.

Recently I found this screenshot of an old photo of you. And what I saw hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden I saw YOU, I saw Me and I saw all the Pain.

Not one adult stepped in and did their job of protecting you, therefore I want you to know that I am here for you now. At that age the two people who should have been the most important, loving, guiding, protecting and influential in your life failed you miserably and I am so sorry! I can see now, that the woman who gave birth to you is just as guilty as that so called father that abused you. I am so sorry baby girl, I am so sorry, but I am here now. It is time for you to let go of the burden, you may rest now. I am here, I will be your voice, I will protect you and I will fight for you.

Today I promise you that I will dedicate my life to see you shine, to see you laugh as often as possible and as loud as possible. I will do my very best to protect you from any evil spirit that tries to hurt your soul. Cause little one, you have had enough, and I understand now why you are so tired. You were given a job that you were never supposed to have been introduced to in the first place. But you took it on without complaining because you thought that, was how love and being a child was supposed to be. I cannot even imagine how you managed to do that, all by yourself!

Thank you for making it this far. I salute you! I am here now. I am taking over. It is my time now to make you Proud. You may enjoy the fruits of your hard labor. I see you and I vow to you that I will see you every single day! I love you

The Root of My Hurt

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It all started when I was about 4 years old. This man came into my life. Meant to complete that picture of a traditional family. Be the figure to love me and guide me into building my personal foundation. Lovingly teach me about men and masculinity. Supposedly be the father I never really had…

Instead he chose to show his love and fulfill the fatherly role differently. From a dark place inside himself whether nature or nurture, he made a decision to feed his angry needs. Feeding on a little girl that was me. Depriving me of the positive, loving and constructive fuel that I needed for my base. The base that would be the core from where I could build on and fall back on whenever I faced hardships.

He chose to use my body, mind and soul for nearly a decade. He had his own way of tucking me in at night. As a bedtime story he would tell me how much he loved me, appreciated me and needed me. He would ask if I loved him too… Young as I was I thought this just had to be the way it works. Cause he was “daddy”, the loving father. Deep down I felt there was something wrong. Whenever he needed to nourish his angry needs, he would make it come across as a special moment we shared, a secret just for the two of us.

At the age of 13 I no longer wanted to be part of that secret that  was hurting me and leaving me empty of all the hopes&dreams, love and strength, guidance and protection.

Although I realize it only now while writing…this was the first time I outspokenly chose ME.

The Power of Choice

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In life one always has a choice. Stating that you don’t is limiting yourself of rising above whatever it is that you are facing. And it all might make you feel as if facing an obstacle that is leaving you without a choice.

There is always one. If you know where to look, you will always find the options that lay before you. Feeling overwhelmed and feeling as if you do not have a choice is in actuality you that is clouding your own judgement. I realize I am stating a bold statement here. But I truly believe this is true!

Once you dare to truly look within, learn how to listen and approach from a place of love. The options you have will reveal themselves and the deeper you dare to go, the right one will always be the one you eventually pick. Always trust that you will always pick the right one. Because differiating right from wrong is how you perceive the outcome of your choice. There is always something to learn in life and thus there will never be a wrong choice when you empower yourself to learn, grow and move forward.

Listen, some are hard to make and pick. Because some paths at first glance, seem so painful and maybe even impossible. But remember that when you are at the bottom of the mountain, you can never know how it feels to have that view from the top if you never take that first step uphill!

If you dare to be honest with yourself you know that you always have a choice as to how you deal with whatever comes on your path! Look at me, sexually abused, moving from my beautiful roots, experiencing abandonment, PTSD and most recently depression with suicidal thoughts, I could have chosen to stay where I was. Let myself be swallowed by the darkness and potentially taking my own life. Although hard to acknowledge and take action, I chose to seek help. And look where I am now. Falling in Love with myself and Truthfully enjoying every single step that I have taken and still am taking down hill and up hill!

You decide the gear you put on and take along to conquer that mountain. You decide what mountain you climb, you decide your pace, you decide what view you wish to experience. You decide. YOU CHOOSE, YOU EMPOWER YOU!

For Real For Real

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I thought I would share with you how I have been. Ever since I restarted blogging, quite a lot has changed. And surely with the current developments you could have seen on my other social media outlets, I felt it was just right to just catch up.

So much has changed as I look back at Am I?. I was so lost and in so much pain. Even though I can read the darkness in my earlier blogposts, they still do not capture the true gravity of how close I was to really take that road into ending it all. I was just tired, done… Thinking and feeling of the pain I was in, now hurts me so much and brings me to tears. I feel so sorry for having it all come that far. Having let all the outside factors touch me on such a level that I eventually turned against myself.

The road of therapy has been one that I am grateful for. As it allowed me to vent and openly talk about all my dark thoughts freely. Talking to someone who understands what you are going through on a medical and scientific level helped me understand me.

Now vs then on how I fill my days. I am in general a lot more active and social. I spend a lot less time on social media or watching tv. Going outside does not scare me as much as it used to. I am trying to build up a routine for myself. With things I enjoy right away and things that give me joy after completing them or in the long run.

Overall it all sounds super positive and to be cautiously optimistic, it is a great improvement. Once I found that switch described in I saw my Light… I started working even harder on my recovery and I am Blessed that it is all paying off. Just this past week or so I have had a slight draw back. This has to do with me coming forward with my abuse story and outing the offender. So many emotions surfaced that I could not place and in combination with a higher intake of alcohol due to social activities, I started getting more and more detached from my feelings. I haven’t been on point with building my new routine, in fact, I started falling back into my old ways. Bad diet, isolation, emotional withdrawal, numbing…all the stuff that never served me in the past! And I am well aware! Although it might sound crazy, I feel as if I am still in charge. I am letting myself feel whatever it is that I am feeling, but at the same time I am reminding myself of the great feeling I was starting to have continuously working on myself in a loving way.

In conclusion, the struggle is very much real and present. But I am loving it because I am no longer beating myself up over my “bad” days. I am embracing it all and giving myself room to grow, improve and keep my eyes on the price, that is Me.