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VeganLisious

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Who would’ve thought that I would even get it in that Pretty, Crazy mind of mine to challenge myself into going on a vegan diet for a month? An African girl with the name Mashumba, wich stands for Lion, as a representation of our family, the girl who believed a meal without meat wasn’t a real meal. Too much meat was something that you would never hear coming out of my mouth. And still I took on that challenge or maybe because of…

I successfully finished my challenge about a week ago. I have to confess that since then I have been eating as if I had a lot to catch up with! But in reality, I didn’t really miss the meat, fish, poultry or dairy. These 31 days left me feeling and looking amazing and light from the inside out as I was eating really clean. Making everything myself and as far as I could afford, using mostly organic produce. As a bonus I ate whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted and I still ended up losing some weight.

People would ask me what I’d eat. Well, I am Blessed to love food, cooking and trying new things. So out of all the produce there is, there are just a few things that I’d rather not eat. My favorite ingredients when making a meal, were red cabbage, okra, sweet potato, pumpkin, chillies, garlic, fresh fruits, berries, coconut oil, peanut butter, corn, beans…let me stop here, cause I could go on and on. To give you an idea of what I would eat I will name a few things.

Breakfast: Overnight oats with unsweetened almond milk (or coconut rice milk), topped with berries or any fresh fruit, roasted coconut shavings and raw nuts. Cooked oatmeal with almond milk and peanut butter, fresh fruits/berries and raw nuts. Smoothie with frozen banana, fruits and veggies. Lunch: This usually consisted of a cold or warm salad full of veggies. The dressing I loved to make was with fresh lime juice, olive oil and fresh herbs like cilantro, mint and parsley. If I were in a hurry I would have ezekiel raisin bread with peanut butter. Snacks: Would be more fruits, left overs, raw nuts or khorasan wheat cakes with peanut butter or home made pumpkin spread. Dinner: Guess what…more veggies with either rice or roasted sweet potato. I even made vegan pizza from scratch. For some extra protein I would eat tempeh, seitan or other vegan meats.

The whole ride has been pretty easy. It was only in the end that I had some major cravings, but just because I knew the month was about to end and I thought that I needed whatever I was craving. The challenge, as hoped, gave me new insights, learned me more about myself and my surroundings. I know now that I can easily live without eating any animal (by) products. I am learning to appreciate myself more and more with each passing day. I am capable of accomplishing anything if I just put my mind to it. And as I wrote in my last blog article, I am loving Me, more and more, becoming my biggest Fan! I also got to explore cities throughout the world in a different way as I would try out the local vegan cuisine.

Moving forward I would like to go back to my plant based diet after this week of eating anything but vegan. I know now that it is mostly make believe, although I love my meat, it doesn’t give me the same satisfaction as eating clean, wholesome, plant based meals. I will probably have non vegan food weekly because I want to, I can and I am Blessed as I am.

Still Sober

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It is true what they say. No matter what it is that you are doing or going through. Time will pass nevertheless. Regardless of how productive you are, that minute, those 30 minutes, that day, those months…it will all pass.
So why not choose to spend that precious time doing something for the better. Why not work on being the best you that you can be, instead of just dealing with life in a passive way. Seeing the days literally pass by and asking yourself, where did the time go?

Acknowledging this, I can’t believe it has already been 6 months, 183 days and approximately 4390 hours since I had my last drink. I can actually say that I have been sober for half a year! And I am damn proud of it. I am happy that I chose to take on this challenge. It could have easily been so different. Me still drinking, hurting myself and others around me. Needlessly spending a lot of money, just to get away of things, feelings, thoughts that I didn’t want to deal with. Or to be honest not daring to deal with my true self, as I thought that I wasn’t enough.

Although I was making some progress in my healing, I know that I wouldn’t have accomplished as much as I have now, were I still drinking.
I used to call myself a little alcoholic, jokily. At times I just loved that buzz too much. But I could easily refrain from drinking if I wished to do so. There were moments that I would be drinking without even really enjoying the taste or the feeling it gave me. At those moments I didn’t see the use of spending that amount of money, dealing with the hangover or the use of truly experiencing my desperate need to be anything other than myself. And these were the moments that made the difference, the moments that I started reevaluating my life and my actions. I needed to do better, I could do better. And for me to do so, I needed to change some things.

I can truly recommend it to anyone who like I drinks for the wrong reasons or likes it just a little too much or exposes their Inner Cruella too often. And trust me, you know who you are. In order to get different outcomes in life, you have to do things different. Being sober has cleared my mind and so much more! You can take it step by step. Challenge yourself for a week, a month, 3 months, whatever works best. You don’t even have to make it infinite. My challenge now is for a year, but I might just decide to make it a forever….

For now I am loving the Blessing it has been and the Blessings it keeps on giving. I am proud and still going strong! On to the next 6 months!

Words Can’t Explain…

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I just can’t believe how much happier I am today.  I have so much gratitude for where I am now. Never would I’ve thought that my Happiness was possible. Let alone believe that it would lie in a place so near, so reachable.

I came from a far, deep, dark, ugly and hurtful place. This place was my home, for the longest time that I can remember. I can even say that for the longest time of my life, I stayed at that horrible place. Day by day wishing that things would change, hoping for brighter days to come. Not understanding why I was going through what I was going through. Thinking that that, was what my life was about. Even looking at others, wishing for their strength, joy and happiness. On my darkest moments I even wished to no longer exist…I was so tired…longing for it all to end. No more hope for better days. Believing that I deserved to end it all and be free…

Damn what a difference time makes. I had a lot of help from family, friends, experts and strangers. And in a way food, cigarets, alcohol and buying new stuff helped me through some sad moments every now and then. But there was a source I never knew could be so empowering and satisfying. A source that grows when fed with positivity, love and patience. This source surprisingly turned out to be ME, the one person that truly made this happen is ME! This is such an emotional statement to make. But I know now, that it was ME all along. I have that power, I have that strenght, I AM my Happiness.

Sure am grateful for all the help I got, really am. But I can tell you this, no matter how often or hard people try to shine a light on your Greatness, as long as you don’t believe it, don’t feel it, don’t see it…it won’t lead you to your true Happiness. You truly have to understand that it is all YOU! You make the dark days brighter, you make yourself stronger, happier, Blessed… Even if you don’t see it now, hold on, keep going! That Bright and Warm light is on it’s way!

I Love Myself now

I Am Beautiful

I Am My Happiness

I Am My Greatness

I Am My Love

I Am Blessed As I Am

….and then some.

 

Just a Random Fuck

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When we met I thought you were so damn fine. As I laid my eyes on you I cursed as I knew you could be bad news. Mad hot, but so bad! I cursed cause I knew I wanted you, I wanted you near, I wanted us to be.
You were smooth. Like the ladies man you were and held yourself with no shame, you reeled me in. Even when you told me you weren’t a “one woman man”, I fell for whatever you were willing to give and I enjoyed the us that we were.
I assumed you enjoyed us too, the “we” that we were becoming. I thought that you enjoyed me as I was, flaws and all. As long as it lasted I felt like the only woman. Deep down I knew better. Slowly the change came. There were these jabs. Hurtful things you would say to me. Things about the way I looked, things about the way I held myself, things about how I looked at life, things about how I acted when we were intimate. At that moment the guy I thought I knew, the guy I trusted, told all about my hurts and blessings, my hopes and dreams. The one with whom I shared tears, laughter and knowledge, that guy I got to trust intimately on a level so passionately and free, would turn on me as if I was nothing more than a random fuck.

All was so unnecessary but ooh so effective. Bit by bit you started to tear me down. You managed to make me doubt myself, feel bad about myself and eventually believe all the ugly things you said to me.
Although the years have past and our relationship has changed, I still can’t seem to completely shut you out. You still seek attention, that I reluctantly and very sparsely give. Because crazy as it seems, I do care about you deeply. I try to focus on the good that is in you and forgive.

Lately my strength and courage are taking over. My body and dirty mind still wishes to engage with yours. But my heart is speaking up now. You took away the playful, joyful, passionate, secure atmosphere we used to have when we were intimate. You wonder why I keep pushing you away and till now I couldn’t find the words to describe how I feel. But I can now…How can I ever open myself up again to where I too can enjoy our intimacy, to where I feel like your equal and be free to express my true self. How can I ever believe the positive words that are coming out of your mouth. How can I forget the way you made me feel? Will you ever be able to truly be with me and show it in a way, so I no longer feel like just a random fuck? Any other woman I would’ve given the advise to walk away, or better yet run! These interactions aren’t serving me, so why do I keep holding on?

This soberness is doing it’s work, cause I can see clearer now. I am here for Me. And I wish to grow, be beautiful, be loved for who I am and stay Blessed. As you can not seem to walk beside me as peers, I ask you to please let me be. Let me be the great self that I can and may be! I understand my worth now!

I am Free

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This might be the hardest thing I ever had to face. Finding the right words to describe what I feel without getting too emotional or mentioning unnecessary details. Not long ago I hinted at the life changing decision I made…well, here it is. With tears in my eyes, a heavy heart, a sense of fear but also relief I am sharing this with you.

While dealing with what happened in the past, I harbored a lot of anger and sometimes even pure rage. A lot of that anger was easy to explain. Many therapy sessions, breakdowns and a lot of self reflection helped me lose a huge part of that anger. But still some remained. Telling myself that I did not know where it came from only made it worse. I was so afraid, wanting to shield myself from another form of betrayal. One potentially bigger than my so called father put on me. It hurt so much, opening up my eyes to the pain I felt and acknowledging that it was you who still had such a hold on me.

You used to tell me you wanted a child. But at that age, in whatever situation you might have been and with all that was to come, were you ready to be my mother…?

I have made peace with the role you play in my life. I let go of all expectations. I have forgiven your disloyalty. No longer am I trying to understand the choices you made. I decide not to be affected by the people you select to have relations with, I distance myself emotionally so your words and actions won’t hurt me no more. I am my own woman now. I am beautiful from the inside and out. I have great potential and the means to exploit them. I am free.

Once again, I choose ME

 

 

The Root of my Hurt

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It all started when I was about 4 years old. This man came into my life. Meant to complete that picture of a traditional family. Be the figure to love me and guide me into building my personal foundation. Lovingly teach me about men and masculinity. Supposedly be the father I never really had…

Instead he chose to show his love and fulfill the fatherly role differently. From a dark place inside himself whether nature or nurture, he made a decision to feed his angry needs. Feeding on a little girl that was me. Depriving me of the positive, loving and constructive fuel that I needed for my base. The base that would be the core from where I could build on and fall back on whenever I faced hardships.

He chose to use my body, mind and soul for nearly a decade. He had his own way of tucking me in at night. As a bedtime story he would tell me how much he loved me, appreciated me and needed me. He would ask if I loved him too… Young as I was I thought this just had to be the way it works. Cause he was “daddy”, the loving father. Deep down I felt there was something wrong. Whenever he needed to nourish his angry needs, he would make it come across as a special moment we shared, a secret just for the two of us.

At the age of 13 I no longer wanted to be part of that secret that  was hurting me and leaving me empty of all the hopes&dreams, love and strength, guidance and protection.

Although I realize it only now while writing…this was the first time I outspokenly chose ME.