faith

Aint it Funny…

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Aint it funny how your emotional state can define how some people close to you treat you? How they deal with you, are there for you or celebrate you? It seems as if they are better capable of handling with your struggles than celebrating your happiness and growth?

All these challenges that I created for myself have taught me a great deal about myself. As a bonus it gave me some insight in how not everybody is there to see me progressing, actually winning. We all choose our own path in this journey called life. None is better than the other as we all are different and require different tools and thus shouldn’t compare. So the fact that I am not drinking alcohol for a whole year, eating only plant based food for a month, not buying any new clothes or shoes (with some exceptions) for a year, working on building up this healthy lifestyle with frequent exercise, does not mean my life is boring, it does not mean that I am doing it the wrong way or beig too extra. Nor does it mean that I am asking for your opinion for that matter. It just means that I, if any, would like your support, as I am working on being the best Me that I can be. I will admit, it might be somewhat different, unique, but it works for Me, and that’s all that counts.

I have learned that I am able of doing anything if I will only set my mind to it and put in the work. I know now how ridiculous my thoughts and feelings used to be, in thinking that everybody was better in anything, than I was. That I was a less likable person than anybody else. That the whole world had all these amazing qualities and abilities, except me. I am my own number 1 now, in priority and love. I am my biggest fan now, cause if I don’t believe in myself, if I don’t support myself, how can I ever expect anybody else to do so.

Sure there are some nuances, as I have also learned that I can be really tough on myself and occasionally have too high expectations of myself and people around me. So this is me venting, as my journey and challenges have given me some new knowledge. Some people are all ears when you are down and out. When you are not confident or happy with yourself and the life that you are living. But when you finally see the light, the seemingly sincere interest dissapears.

But you know what, Imma be Happy, Imma do Me. Imma push through, with or without and regardless of anyone’s opinion. Cause I am Blessed As I Am!

Still Sober

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It is true what they say. No matter what it is that you are doing or going through. Time will pass nevertheless. Regardless of how productive you are, that minute, those 30 minutes, that day, those months…it will all pass.
So why not choose to spend that precious time doing something for the better. Why not work on being the best you that you can be, instead of just dealing with life in a passive way. Seeing the days literally pass by and asking yourself, where did the time go?

Acknowledging this, I can’t believe it has already been 6 months, 183 days and approximately 4390 hours since I had my last drink. I can actually say that I have been sober for half a year! And I am damn proud of it. I am happy that I chose to take on this challenge. It could have easily been so different. Me still drinking, hurting myself and others around me. Needlessly spending a lot of money, just to get away of things, feelings, thoughts that I didn’t want to deal with. Or to be honest not daring to deal with my true self, as I thought that I wasn’t enough.

Although I was making some progress in my healing, I know that I wouldn’t have accomplished as much as I have now, were I still drinking.
I used to call myself a little alcoholic, jokily. At times I just loved that buzz too much. But I could easily refrain from drinking if I wished to do so. There were moments that I would be drinking without even really enjoying the taste or the feeling it gave me. At those moments I didn’t see the use of spending that amount of money, dealing with the hangover or the use of truly experiencing my desperate need to be anything other than myself. And these were the moments that made the difference, the moments that I started reevaluating my life and my actions. I needed to do better, I could do better. And for me to do so, I needed to change some things.

I can truly recommend it to anyone who like I drinks for the wrong reasons or likes it just a little too much or exposes their Inner Cruella too often. And trust me, you know who you are. In order to get different outcomes in life, you have to do things different. Being sober has cleared my mind and so much more! You can take it step by step. Challenge yourself for a week, a month, 3 months, whatever works best. You don’t even have to make it infinite. My challenge now is for a year, but I might just decide to make it a forever….

For now I am loving the Blessing it has been and the Blessings it keeps on giving. I am proud and still going strong! On to the next 6 months!

Words Can’t Explain…

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I just can’t believe how much happier I am today.  I have so much gratitude for where I am now. Never would I’ve thought that my Happiness was possible. Let alone believe that it would lie in a place so near, so reachable.

I came from a far, deep, dark, ugly and hurtful place. This place was my home, for the longest time that I can remember. I can even say that for the longest time of my life, I stayed at that horrible place. Day by day wishing that things would change, hoping for brighter days to come. Not understanding why I was going through what I was going through. Thinking that that, was what my life was about. Even looking at others, wishing for their strength, joy and happiness. On my darkest moments I even wished to no longer exist…I was so tired…longing for it all to end. No more hope for better days. Believing that I deserved to end it all and be free…

Damn what a difference time makes. I had a lot of help from family, friends, experts and strangers. And in a way food, cigarets, alcohol and buying new stuff helped me through some sad moments every now and then. But there was a source I never knew could be so empowering and satisfying. A source that grows when fed with positivity, love and patience. This source surprisingly turned out to be ME, the one person that truly made this happen is ME! This is such an emotional statement to make. But I know now, that it was ME all along. I have that power, I have that strenght, I AM my Happiness.

Sure am grateful for all the help I got, really am. But I can tell you this, no matter how often or hard people try to shine a light on your Greatness, as long as you don’t believe it, don’t feel it, don’t see it…it won’t lead you to your true Happiness. You truly have to understand that it is all YOU! You make the dark days brighter, you make yourself stronger, happier, Blessed… Even if you don’t see it now, hold on, keep going! That Bright and Warm light is on it’s way!

I Love Myself now

I Am Beautiful

I Am My Happiness

I Am My Greatness

I Am My Love

I Am Blessed As I Am

….and then some.

 

Just a Random Fuck

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When we met I thought you were so damn fine. As I laid my eyes on you I cursed as I knew you could be bad news. Mad hot, but so bad! I cursed cause I knew I wanted you, I wanted you near, I wanted us to be.
You were smooth. Like the ladies man you were and held yourself with no shame, you reeled me in. Even when you told me you weren’t a “one woman man”, I fell for whatever you were willing to give and I enjoyed the us that we were.
I assumed you enjoyed us too, the “we” that we were becoming. I thought that you enjoyed me as I was, flaws and all. As long as it lasted I felt like the only woman. Deep down I knew better. Slowly the change came. There were these jabs. Hurtful things you would say to me. Things about the way I looked, things about the way I held myself, things about how I looked at life, things about how I acted when we were intimate. At that moment the guy I thought I knew, the guy I trusted, told all about my hurts and blessings, my hopes and dreams. The one with whom I shared tears, laughter and knowledge, that guy I got to trust intimately on a level so passionately and free, would turn on me as if I was nothing more than a random fuck.

All was so unnecessary but ooh so effective. Bit by bit you started to tear me down. You managed to make me doubt myself, feel bad about myself and eventually believe all the ugly things you said to me.
Although the years have past and our relationship has changed, I still can’t seem to completely shut you out. You still seek attention, that I reluctantly and very sparsely give. Because crazy as it seems, I do care about you deeply. I try to focus on the good that is in you and forgive.

Lately my strength and courage are taking over. My body and dirty mind still wishes to engage with yours. But my heart is speaking up now. You took away the playful, joyful, passionate, secure atmosphere we used to have when we were intimate. You wonder why I keep pushing you away and till now I couldn’t find the words to describe how I feel. But I can now…How can I ever open myself up again to where I too can enjoy our intimacy, to where I feel like your equal and be free to express my true self. How can I ever believe the positive words that are coming out of your mouth. How can I forget the way you made me feel? Will you ever be able to truly be with me and show it in a way, so I no longer feel like just a random fuck? Any other woman I would’ve given the advise to walk away, or better yet run! These interactions aren’t serving me, so why do I keep holding on?

This soberness is doing it’s work, cause I can see clearer now. I am here for Me. And I wish to grow, be beautiful, be loved for who I am and stay Blessed. As you can not seem to walk beside me as peers, I ask you to please let me be. Let me be the great self that I can and may be! I understand my worth now!

I Used to…

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I USED TO…
Almost marking 90 days of sobriety.
There have been moments where I longed for that drink. That one glass to take the edge off. Or even that one zip to taste that gorgeous wine, funky G&T or refreshing beer. Some of these moments I desired that drink to celebrate, at times just to get away of it all, to destress or clear my mind. But I haven’t budged, not even for one drink or one zip! I did sniff on some, that I am guilty of…
What kept me strong all these days was knowing why I was doing it. I truly was keeping my eye on the price. Even if that prize at times seemed so unimportant or not worth it. I always had the choice: “do I drink now and enjoy that temporary feeling, the risk of taking it too far and waking up with that ever numbing hangover. Or do I say no to the temptation, keep a clear mind, enjoy the moment and my (own) company with my full senses and wake up the next day without any regrets or that damned hangover?” I always chose the latter. And I am grateful for that.

I have been sober for a long period of time before. But never with the awareness that I have now, never with the maturity that I have grown in, never with the self love that I have now mastered. I already was on a great journey of amazing self discoveries, self love and self acceptance. These 90 days have in addition taught me that I can be the best me that I can possibly be. That I have the power to steer my thoughts to empowerment and positivity, that I have the skills to grow and learn every waking moment. That I truly am worthy of self love, love and acceptance. And the best thing is that I am all this without the help of any substance. I used to think that I would feel better with alcohol, that I would enjoy an evening out more, that that steak surely tasted better with a certain wine. I thought that I would fit in more.

I am so happy that I know better now!
I don’t need alcohol or drugs to turn up. I am more than enough. Just the way I am, I am a strong woman, that has a lot to offer, a beautiful young woman that is blessed enough to know that no matter what my past has been, or how thankful I am with all that I have gained, Greater things await me!

The Struggle is Real

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Afbeelding 175

 

It has been a long time, maybe even a long time coming. These dark clouds that seem to follow me from afar finally caught up. Although I seem to distance myself more and more from these dooming negativities, completely getting rid of them, is something I don’t dare to dream of. I have been doing well, making myself busy and living the life I needed at any given moment. In the shadows something dark would be lurking every now and then. With the energy that I had in me I would force in more light, blinding the dark shadows….holding them back just a little longer and hopefully making them disappear in whole…. Because I should be better now. I want to be better now, I NEED to be better now. I’ve been through so much, sought help from family, friends and professionals. Gone from totally breaking down to working my hardest to keep my head above the water. Doing the most to feel as good from the inside as I looked from the outside. Not wanting to bother people with my sad stories, my insecurities and my growing tiredness. I could already hear some think: “Shouldn’t you be over this by now, I don’t understand your problem, you need to let go, your life seems pretty good, you are healthy, you have a great job, a house, a car, loving family and friends…what more do you wish for?” …to be completely honest… I don’t know, Time maybe? Cause all the riches in the world can’t heal a broken soul. The purest, deepest and most unconditional love from others can’t heal you either. It all has to come from within yourself, myself….but what if I am just too tired to mend my broken soul, what if I am out of ways to find the broken pieces, what if I don’t even know how to mend it, as I barely had the joy of experiencing it undamaged….

A whole 72hrs passed by, 72hrs that I needed to kick start myself. 72hrs of total exclusion, shamelessly in a fancy hotel room somewhere in a far eastern metropole. 72hrs that I spend in bed, only getting out for the most necessary. Living on one hot meal a day, water, tv and the little contact I had with the outside world. I had been looking forward to exploring the city, really spending my time to get to know the best places to eat, drink tea, enjoy a cocktail, shop and meet new people. But I just couldn’t, I was too tired, too empty, I needed to reload. And that’s what I did!

The next project is coming up, it hasn’t had the attention it needed, but I will go on! The thing with me is, as long as I am struggling I am moving. It might not seem as such or very productive, but struggling for me means that I haven’t give up. As long as I am struggling there is always hope! So please hang in there with me, I hope to exceed my last creation.

 

My FuckedUpness

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I see all that I am as a blessing. Flaws and all. After all those years, I can say with true conviction, I am happy in my current situation. I’ve learned that nothing else matters than the here and now. I am working on myself, making me happy. Without distractions, getting to know me, what I want and have to offer.

All that I have been through made me into this beautiful blessed woman that I am today. And still every now and then, my insecurity creeps in on me and lets me feed my FuckedUpness. I naturally have some extra special weirdness in my mind and heart. But that is just me being silly crazy, fun and more lovable. This FuckedUpness is me doubting my worthiness, letting all that happened work me in a negative way, feeling that I am too FuckedUp to ever built a healthy, positive and constructive connection with a man. Treasuring a relationship of being best friends. Being great individuals together and an even greater team apart. Being able to feed and please each others body, mind and soul. Not being afraid to challenge each other, and thus always striving to be better and stronger.

This feeling shall pass. I believe that something greater awaits me. When the time is right, I will meet this Mister Right.