Changed Perspective

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Like I shared in my last weeks blog Does Something Greater Await Me?, I was looking at one of my tried and trusted mantras in a whole new way.

I had been saying this to myself for years, maybe even decades. Along this one I used to say The best is yet to come.

A few years back I kinda already realized that these statements would not work for me. As you might know I had been doing all these challenges back in 2015/2016. I felt so good crushing my goals. I had created this lifestyle that was benefitting me in all kind of areas. I felt healthy, strong, I was productive, mentally strong and considering, happy for very long periods of time. I literally felt on top of the world.

But…yes…here it comes. Besides having all these challenges I managed to put myself on and successfully so, I had some personal wishes. Deep inside I thought, when I do this, manage to create this type of lifestyle, I will be able to truly be happy and attract&get the things I truly desire.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. After having completed all these challenges and being in the best physical and mental state I had been in decades, I was expecting some type of reward. I was expecting that Greater, that Best. And when it didn’t come the way I expected it too, I was devastated and believed that no matter what I do, I will never gain in life what my heart truly desires. And I fell back, back in my old and self destructing ways…

What I know now is, that Best, that Greater, that Reward is Now! This is the most precious it has and will ever be. As I grow, keep pushing and evolving. Implementing what I have learned and truly enjoying the journey itself, I won’t have to craze my mind with : If I do this, then I will be happy…

From now on NOW will be my key word. I am most powerful right here and right now!

Getting to know the Real Me

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I truly feel Blessed that I am empowered enough to get to know myself. And that I dare to look and learn to embrace the good, bad and the ugly.

Taking on the Path to Self Knowledge is one of Freedom! There is in my eyes no Greater good than opening your Eyes and Arms to Yourself. And I am just learning to do so.

Learning how to Fully embrace myself, is Learning how to Truly Practice Self Love. And I feel so Blessed that I am giving myself the chance to look within. I am Proud of Me. And I am curious to get to know Me even more and to fully Complete Me.

There is this saying that states that the ones who you love and who in return love you the most are the ones who are capable of hurting you the most. This INCLUDES YOU! You Hurting Yourself. And I, a woman that has seen different types of Evil can say that I have been my own worst enemy!

I no longer wish to treat myself so poorly. So moving forward I will face my trails and tribulations, my highs and my lows with compassion, love and forgiveness.

I call Fucking BS

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Whoop whoop!!! Damn we did it, we made it through another year! We even survived January and its Blue Monday. We may or may not have achieved the goals we had set for 2018. We may have crushed them all. Ooh hail new years resolutions!

We had a whole year to work on that list. What is it that I wish to accomplish, achieve, what did I not do all too well. Where did I drop the ball. What can I continue on doing. And then when December comes, we slowly start to get excited forming a new list. Cause once that month ends, we get a new chance right? We get that one great opportunity to do it over, to start again. Cause that is what it means right, that new year? New Me?

BULL SHIT

Why are we so hung up on these 365 days, these 12 months, these 52 weeks? I understand that we like to measure stuff, put a time line on certain things. But when it comes to improving ourselves, does the date or time line really matter? Isn’t any movement forward the most important thing? So as long as you are doing so, in my eyes you are winning.

I am sorry, not sorry. Did I offend you? The thing that we need to start to believe and see is that every single day is the best day to start over, work on those new goals, improve, let go, open your eyes, forgive, level up! Because if you could not find the best motivation within yourself to do better and become the best YOU you can be on any other day. What makes you think that the first of January or any other month for that matter, will work? The best sources of motivation lie with in yourself! No outer sources can trump that! Never! Cause if they do…you might want to reevaluate your intentions and relationship with yourself. And best believe that the gratification will be tainted and won’t last as long, when the motivation to change is not from within. Satisfaction will not be gained once that goal is achieved. As we must learn to truly enjoy the journey itself!

So tell me, now that that first month of this new year has passed, have you managed to keep that same drive, goal setting mindset. Or maybe March first will do the trick, or better yet 2020…looks good even in writing. What and whenever it is, know that I have complete confidence, that one day will be your day!

Blessed As I Am

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During this journey of healing from the abuse and its aftermath, I have noticed that it is one hell of a ride! Of course I knew this, but it is 25 years after the actual sexual abuse came to an end I am still battling the darkness it brought into my life.

At times it feels as if I am strapped to this wheel with my body fully stretched. And as my journey goes, so does the wheel turn. At the lowest part of the wheel there is water, which allows my body to be fully submerged every time the wheel turns and my feet point to the sky. At the beginning of my journey, the water was so high that I only got to breathe whenever my head was at its highest point, up in the air. With my nose just above water level. Gradually the water level subsided. Thankfully so…

At this moment in time the water reaches just above my upper lip. With each turn, I go through a cycle of mental wealth. When I can breathe, all is well and I feel free and empowered. But as my head turns towards the water, darkness starts to creep in and I feel as if all hope is lost. All untill my crown breaks through the water surface and light is able to warm me and guide me to better days.

Although times can be really tough and trying. I am learning to appreciate and love the complete journey with its cycles. Even the moments when I can’t breathe. I am learning about who this Beautiful Queen actually is and what drives her. I am also learning like I mentioned in an earlier blog post, Destined for Greatness, that all this serves a greater purpose.

I created BlessedAsIAm in 2015, 4 years down the road and I can’t be happier with the title. Cause I truly feel Blessed As I Am!

Dear little Girl

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Please bare with me while I write this letter to you. I hope the words come out right and are able to do justice to how I feel.

Recently I found this screenshot of an old photo of you. And what I saw hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden I saw YOU, I saw Me and I saw all the Pain.

Not one adult stepped in and did their job of protecting you, therefore I want you to know that I am here for you now. At that age the two people who should have been the most important, loving, guiding, protecting and influential in your life failed you miserably and I am so sorry! I can see now, that the woman who gave birth to you is just as guilty as that so called father that abused you. I am so sorry baby girl, I am so sorry, but I am here now. It is time for you to let go of the burden, you may rest now. I am here, I will be your voice, I will protect you and I will fight for you.

Today I promise you that I will dedicate my life to see you shine, to see you laugh as often as possible and as loud as possible. I will do my very best to protect you from any evil spirit that tries to hurt your soul. Cause little one, you have had enough, and I understand now why you are so tired. You were given a job that you were never supposed to have been introduced to in the first place. But you took it on without complaining because you thought that, was how love and being a child was supposed to be. I cannot even imagine how you managed to do that, all by yourself!

Thank you for making it this far. I salute you! I am here now. I am taking over. It is my time now to make you Proud. You may enjoy the fruits of your hard labor. I see you and I vow to you that I will see you every single day! I love you

The Power of Choice

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In life one always has a choice. Stating that you don’t is limiting yourself of rising above whatever it is that you are facing. And it all might make you feel as if facing an obstacle that is leaving you without a choice.

There is always one. If you know where to look, you will always find the options that lay before you. Feeling overwhelmed and feeling as if you do not have a choice is in actuality you that is clouding your own judgement. I realize I am stating a bold statement here. But I truly believe this is true!

Once you dare to truly look within, learn how to listen and approach from a place of love. The options you have will reveal themselves and the deeper you dare to go, the right one will always be the one you eventually pick. Always trust that you will always pick the right one. Because differiating right from wrong is how you perceive the outcome of your choice. There is always something to learn in life and thus there will never be a wrong choice when you empower yourself to learn, grow and move forward.

Listen, some are hard to make and pick. Because some paths at first glance, seem so painful and maybe even impossible. But remember that when you are at the bottom of the mountain, you can never know how it feels to have that view from the top if you never take that first step uphill!

If you dare to be honest with yourself you know that you always have a choice as to how you deal with whatever comes on your path! Look at me, sexually abused, moving from my beautiful roots, experiencing abandonment, PTSD and most recently depression with suicidal thoughts, I could have chosen to stay where I was. Let myself be swallowed by the darkness and potentially taking my own life. Although hard to acknowledge and take action, I chose to seek help. And look where I am now. Falling in Love with myself and Truthfully enjoying every single step that I have taken and still am taking down hill and up hill!

You decide the gear you put on and take along to conquer that mountain. You decide what mountain you climb, you decide your pace, you decide what view you wish to experience. You decide. YOU CHOOSE, YOU EMPOWER YOU!

For Real For Real

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I thought I would share with you how I have been. Ever since I restarted blogging, quite a lot has changed. And surely with the current developments you could have seen on my other social media outlets, I felt it was just right to just catch up.

So much has changed as I look back at Am I?. I was so lost and in so much pain. Even though I can read the darkness in my earlier blogposts, they still do not capture the true gravity of how close I was to really take that road into ending it all. I was just tired, done… Thinking and feeling of the pain I was in, now hurts me so much and brings me to tears. I feel so sorry for having it all come that far. Having let all the outside factors touch me on such a level that I eventually turned against myself.

The road of therapy has been one that I am grateful for. As it allowed me to vent and openly talk about all my dark thoughts freely. Talking to someone who understands what you are going through on a medical and scientific level helped me understand me.

Now vs then on how I fill my days. I am in general a lot more active and social. I spend a lot less time on social media or watching tv. Going outside does not scare me as much as it used to. I am trying to build up a routine for myself. With things I enjoy right away and things that give me joy after completing them or in the long run.

Overall it all sounds super positive and to be cautiously optimistic, it is a great improvement. Once I found that switch described in I saw my Light… I started working even harder on my recovery and I am Blessed that it is all paying off. Just this past week or so I have had a slight draw back. This has to do with me coming forward with my abuse story and outing the offender. So many emotions surfaced that I could not place and in combination with a higher intake of alcohol due to social activities, I started getting more and more detached from my feelings. I haven’t been on point with building my new routine, in fact, I started falling back into my old ways. Bad diet, isolation, emotional withdrawal, numbing…all the stuff that never served me in the past! And I am well aware! Although it might sound crazy, I feel as if I am still in charge. I am letting myself feel whatever it is that I am feeling, but at the same time I am reminding myself of the great feeling I was starting to have continuously working on myself in a loving way.

In conclusion, the struggle is very much real and present. But I am loving it because I am no longer beating myself up over my “bad” days. I am embracing it all and giving myself room to grow, improve and keep my eyes on the price, that is Me.