Blessed As I Am

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During this journey of healing from the abuse and its aftermath, I have noticed that it is one hell of a ride! Of course I knew this, but it is 25 years after the actual sexual abuse came to an end I am still battling the darkness it brought into my life.

At times it feels as if I am strapped to this wheel with my body fully stretched. And as my journey goes, so does the wheel turn. At the lowest part of the wheel there is water, which allows my body to be fully submerged every time the wheel turns and my feet point to the sky. At the beginning of my journey, the water was so high that I only got to breathe whenever my head was at its highest point, up in the air. With my nose just above water level. Gradually the water level subsided. Thankfully so…

At this moment in time the water reaches just above my upper lip. With each turn, I go through a cycle of mental wealth. When I can breathe, all is well and I feel free and empowered. But as my head turns towards the water, darkness starts to creep in and I feel as if all hope is lost. All untill my crown breaks through the water surface and light is able to warm me and guide me to better days.

Although times can be really tough and trying. I am learning to appreciate and love the complete journey with its cycles. Even the moments when I can’t breathe. I am learning about who this Beautiful Queen actually is and what drives her. I am also learning like I mentioned in an earlier blog post, Destined for Greatness, that all this serves a greater purpose.

I created BlessedAsIAm in 2015, 4 years down the road and I can’t be happier with the title. Cause I truly feel Blessed As I Am!

Destined for Greatness

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I want to share a secret with you. Something that I have always felt like being a weird thing to feel and let alone say about myself out loud.

I have always been the person who finds it hard to make positive statements about myself. You would rarely catch me saying that I was good at something or that there was something that I admired about myself. Sure, I would state that I was good at talking, a lot, and that I was a master in laughing out loud, literally. These were easy statements as I was actually sharing them from a place of shame, embarrassment and lack of self acceptance. But throughout the years, from as young as I can remember, I have always had this powerful sense that I was Destined for Greatness.

Destined to Serve for the Greater Good

And this I mean in the most humblest of ways and in the most Loving way that I know I am. Writing this down at this moment, powered by my own Believe, fills me with Pure Love and Joy. I know I have always been a person that enjoyed serving others, or at least making them feel good about themselves and comfortable in my company. I started out as a Pleaser. I was so accustomed to please with total disregard of my own feelings. There are things in my dark past that I know happened, that where the stepping-stones of me becoming a pleaser without pleasing myself. An example is the sexual abuse that I experienced for nearly a decade. Later on in life it translated in not standing up for myself when dealing with men who I was dating, friends, colleagues, family members and total strangers. I had gotten so used to ignoring my feelings, my desires and needs that I slowly drifted farther and farther away from that powerful source inside that knew all about the person that I deserved to be. It pains me to have come to this realization, but at the same time I am Grateful. I now have the knowledge of how I do not wish to lose myself. I am Grateful that even through all the using and abusing I still Stand and I still Believe and I still have Faith and I still Love!

Many people have wondered how I can be so open about myself, my life, some of my deepest darkest feelings. Some even said, Girl why you sharing so much. If I were you, I would keep it all to myself before you share your story to the wrong people and they turn around and use it against you and hurt you. But here is the thing, Never Ever have I had the fear that sharing my story, my pain, The Root of my Hurt , would or could be used against me. I had and still have faith in my Deliverance and Intent. What the intent of the receiving end of my deliverance is, I have no control over and frankly (It is funny how I am now using this word for the very first time, as I always hated it and had painful associations with it as it is the name of my abuser…Frank) I do not care. That is up to them, that is their story, their journey.

How I am exactly going to Fulfill this Service, I don’t know. But at this moment. Doing what I am doing, building my foundation,going through my trails and tribulations and becoming one with the source of that voice inside, makes me feel Blessed and Fulfilled. Hence the name of my Journey, my blog, Blessed As I Am.

I saw my Light…

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…and it is within ME

Now I am not saying that I am healed from my Depression or however one would call it once on the other side. But after watching a series of motivational YouTube videos and listening to speakers on Tedx, I feel as if my eyes just went from barely able to see the light of day, to wide open and fully aware of a Light, beaming out a profound Power through my whole body. I feel as if a part of my mind has been accessed and awakened, that had been dormant for I don’t know how long.

It was during my after-gym-shower that I realized, that I was in charge! All I needed was a chain of small decisions and steps. Like I had just done. I chose to get up and off the couch, put on my gym gear, open&close the door behind me, walk to my gym, open the door, walk in and just do some exercises that I was the least opposed to doing…starting small. This win that I had, made me see that I could choose to either be in pain for feeling miserable about myself, my life, my body and where my life is now and where it is headed. Or I could experience a different kind of pain. A pain of dragging myself off the couch and putting on gym gear and go work out, a pain of laying off the less healthier foods, read a book instead of watching some fake influencers, learn from inspirational speakers instead of comparing myself to Instafamous people. I could choose to feed myself negativity and suffer the mental and physical consequences and stay on the draining and empty road of defeat. Or I could take the path of enlightenment, growth and long term prosperity. It was and mostly still is, all up to Me.

I know I knew this, I consciously and unconsciously have had the joy of experiencing this in the past. But never did I do so with the full awareness. And many might read and think to themselves: “duh you silly! Under what rock have you been living your whole life?!” Well, several to be honest. The ones of sexual abuse, neglect, self hatred, PTSD, depression…just to name a few.

And sure, there is little voice, a murderous part of me, that doesn’t dare to step out into the light. That would rather stay in this comfort zone called negativity and fruitless stagnant state of mind. However, my Believe in my own Greatness is bigger than this noise. I need to put in the work and focus on the goals I am going to achieve instead of thinking of and giving power to what it will take to get there.

I need to keep going, it will not all come to me this clear or happen overnight. Repetition and consistency will be the key for me to truly heal and transform. I have to consciously celebrate every small step and decision that will help me achieve what it is that I truly desire. And I believe that this small shift of thinking, is what will get me past this depression and into a lifestyle of happiness.

I Used to…

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I USED TO…
Almost marking 90 days of sobriety.
There have been moments where I longed for that drink. That one glass to take the edge off. Or even that one zip to taste that gorgeous wine, funky G&T or refreshing beer. Some of these moments I desired that drink to celebrate, at times just to get away of it all, to destress or clear my mind. But I haven’t budged, not even for one drink or one zip! I did sniff on some, that I am guilty of…
What kept me strong all these days was knowing why I was doing it. I truly was keeping my eye on the price. Even if that prize at times seemed so unimportant or not worth it. I always had the choice: “do I drink now and enjoy that temporary feeling, the risk of taking it too far and waking up with that ever numbing hangover. Or do I say no to the temptation, keep a clear mind, enjoy the moment and my (own) company with my full senses and wake up the next day without any regrets or that damned hangover?” I always chose the latter. And I am grateful for that.

I have been sober for a long period of time before. But never with the awareness that I have now, never with the maturity that I have grown in, never with the self love that I have now mastered. I already was on a great journey of amazing self discoveries, self love and self acceptance. These 90 days have in addition taught me that I can be the best me that I can possibly be. That I have the power to steer my thoughts to empowerment and positivity, that I have the skills to grow and learn every waking moment. That I truly am worthy of self love, love and acceptance. And the best thing is that I am all this without the help of any substance. I used to think that I would feel better with alcohol, that I would enjoy an evening out more, that that steak surely tasted better with a certain wine. I thought that I would fit in more.

I am so happy that I know better now!
I don’t need alcohol or drugs to turn up. I am more than enough. Just the way I am, I am a strong woman, that has a lot to offer, a beautiful young woman that is blessed enough to know that no matter what my past has been, or how thankful I am with all that I have gained, Greater things await me!