I call Fucking BS

Leave a comment

Whoop whoop!!! Damn we did it, we made it through another year! We even survived January and its Blue Monday. We may or may not have achieved the goals we had set for 2018. We may have crushed them all. Ooh hail new years resolutions!

We had a whole year to work on that list. What is it that I wish to accomplish, achieve, what did I not do all too well. Where did I drop the ball. What can I continue on doing. And then when December comes, we slowly start to get excited forming a new list. Cause once that month ends, we get a new chance right? We get that one great opportunity to do it over, to start again. Cause that is what it means right, that new year? New Me?

BULL SHIT

Why are we so hung up on these 365 days, these 12 months, these 52 weeks? I understand that we like to measure stuff, put a time line on certain things. But when it comes to improving ourselves, does the date or time line really matter? Isn’t any movement forward the most important thing? So as long as you are doing so, in my eyes you are winning.

I am sorry, not sorry. Did I offend you? The thing that we need to start to believe and see is that every single day is the best day to start over, work on those new goals, improve, let go, open your eyes, forgive, level up! Because if you could not find the best motivation within yourself to do better and become the best YOU you can be on any other day. What makes you think that the first of January or any other month for that matter, will work? The best sources of motivation lie with in yourself! No outer sources can trump that! Never! Cause if they do…you might want to reevaluate your intentions and relationship with yourself. And best believe that the gratification will be tainted and won’t last as long, when the motivation to change is not from within. Satisfaction will not be gained once that goal is achieved. As we must learn to truly enjoy the journey itself!

So tell me, now that that first month of this new year has passed, have you managed to keep that same drive, goal setting mindset. Or maybe March first will do the trick, or better yet 2020…looks good even in writing. What and whenever it is, know that I have complete confidence, that one day will be your day!

The Power of Choice

Leave a comment

In life one always has a choice. Stating that you don’t is limiting yourself of rising above whatever it is that you are facing. And it all might make you feel as if facing an obstacle that is leaving you without a choice.

There is always one. If you know where to look, you will always find the options that lay before you. Feeling overwhelmed and feeling as if you do not have a choice is in actuality you that is clouding your own judgement. I realize I am stating a bold statement here. But I truly believe this is true!

Once you dare to truly look within, learn how to listen and approach from a place of love. The options you have will reveal themselves and the deeper you dare to go, the right one will always be the one you eventually pick. Always trust that you will always pick the right one. Because differiating right from wrong is how you perceive the outcome of your choice. There is always something to learn in life and thus there will never be a wrong choice when you empower yourself to learn, grow and move forward.

Listen, some are hard to make and pick. Because some paths at first glance, seem so painful and maybe even impossible. But remember that when you are at the bottom of the mountain, you can never know how it feels to have that view from the top if you never take that first step uphill!

If you dare to be honest with yourself you know that you always have a choice as to how you deal with whatever comes on your path! Look at me, sexually abused, moving from my beautiful roots, experiencing abandonment, PTSD and most recently depression with suicidal thoughts, I could have chosen to stay where I was. Let myself be swallowed by the darkness and potentially taking my own life. Although hard to acknowledge and take action, I chose to seek help. And look where I am now. Falling in Love with myself and Truthfully enjoying every single step that I have taken and still am taking down hill and up hill!

You decide the gear you put on and take along to conquer that mountain. You decide what mountain you climb, you decide your pace, you decide what view you wish to experience. You decide. YOU CHOOSE, YOU EMPOWER YOU!

VeganLisious

Leave a comment

Who would’ve thought that I would even get it in that Pretty, Crazy mind of mine to challenge myself into going on a vegan diet for a month? An African girl with the name Mashumba, wich stands for Lion, as a representation of our family, the girl who believed a meal without meat wasn’t a real meal. Too much meat was something that you would never hear coming out of my mouth. And still I took on that challenge or maybe because of…

I successfully finished my challenge about a week ago. I have to confess that since then I have been eating as if I had a lot to catch up with! But in reality, I didn’t really miss the meat, fish, poultry or dairy. These 31 days left me feeling and looking amazing and light from the inside out as I was eating really clean. Making everything myself and as far as I could afford, using mostly organic produce. As a bonus I ate whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted and I still ended up losing some weight.

People would ask me what I’d eat. Well, I am Blessed to love food, cooking and trying new things. So out of all the produce there is, there are just a few things that I’d rather not eat. My favorite ingredients when making a meal, were red cabbage, okra, sweet potato, pumpkin, chillies, garlic, fresh fruits, berries, coconut oil, peanut butter, corn, beans…let me stop here, cause I could go on and on. To give you an idea of what I would eat I will name a few things.

Breakfast: Overnight oats with unsweetened almond milk (or coconut rice milk), topped with berries or any fresh fruit, roasted coconut shavings and raw nuts. Cooked oatmeal with almond milk and peanut butter, fresh fruits/berries and raw nuts. Smoothie with frozen banana, fruits and veggies. Lunch: This usually consisted of a cold or warm salad full of veggies. The dressing I loved to make was with fresh lime juice, olive oil and fresh herbs like cilantro, mint and parsley. If I were in a hurry I would have ezekiel raisin bread with peanut butter. Snacks: Would be more fruits, left overs, raw nuts or khorasan wheat cakes with peanut butter or home made pumpkin spread. Dinner: Guess what…more veggies with either rice or roasted sweet potato. I even made vegan pizza from scratch. For some extra protein I would eat tempeh, seitan or other vegan meats.

The whole ride has been pretty easy. It was only in the end that I had some major cravings, but just because I knew the month was about to end and I thought that I needed whatever I was craving. The challenge, as hoped, gave me new insights, learned me more about myself and my surroundings. I know now that I can easily live without eating any animal (by) products. I am learning to appreciate myself more and more with each passing day. I am capable of accomplishing anything if I just put my mind to it. And as I wrote in my last blog article, I am loving Me, more and more, becoming my biggest Fan! I also got to explore cities throughout the world in a different way as I would try out the local vegan cuisine.

Moving forward I would like to go back to my plant based diet after this week of eating anything but vegan. I know now that it is mostly make believe, although I love my meat, it doesn’t give me the same satisfaction as eating clean, wholesome, plant based meals. I will probably have non vegan food weekly because I want to, I can and I am Blessed as I am.

Aint it Funny…

Leave a comment

Aint it funny how your emotional state can define how some people close to you treat you? How they deal with you, are there for you or celebrate you? It seems as if they are better capable of handling with your struggles than celebrating your happiness and growth?

All these challenges that I created for myself have taught me a great deal about myself. As a bonus it gave me some insight in how not everybody is there to see me progressing, actually winning. We all choose our own path in this journey called life. None is better than the other as we all are different and require different tools and thus shouldn’t compare. So the fact that I am not drinking alcohol for a whole year, eating only plant based food for a month, not buying any new clothes or shoes (with some exceptions) for a year, working on building up this healthy lifestyle with frequent exercise, does not mean my life is boring, it does not mean that I am doing it the wrong way or beig too extra. Nor does it mean that I am asking for your opinion for that matter. It just means that I, if any, would like your support, as I am working on being the best Me that I can be. I will admit, it might be somewhat different, unique, but it works for Me, and that’s all that counts.

I have learned that I am able of doing anything if I will only set my mind to it and put in the work. I know now how ridiculous my thoughts and feelings used to be, in thinking that everybody was better in anything, than I was. That I was a less likable person than anybody else. That the whole world had all these amazing qualities and abilities, except me. I am my own number 1 now, in priority and love. I am my biggest fan now, cause if I don’t believe in myself, if I don’t support myself, how can I ever expect anybody else to do so.

Sure there are some nuances, as I have also learned that I can be really tough on myself and occasionally have too high expectations of myself and people around me. So this is me venting, as my journey and challenges have given me some new knowledge. Some people are all ears when you are down and out. When you are not confident or happy with yourself and the life that you are living. But when you finally see the light, the seemingly sincere interest dissapears.

But you know what, Imma be Happy, Imma do Me. Imma push through, with or without and regardless of anyone’s opinion. Cause I am Blessed As I Am!

Still Sober

Leave a comment

It is true what they say. No matter what it is that you are doing or going through. Time will pass nevertheless. Regardless of how productive you are, that minute, those 30 minutes, that day, those months…it will all pass.
So why not choose to spend that precious time doing something for the better. Why not work on being the best you that you can be, instead of just dealing with life in a passive way. Seeing the days literally pass by and asking yourself, where did the time go?

Acknowledging this, I can’t believe it has already been 6 months, 183 days and approximately 4390 hours since I had my last drink. I can actually say that I have been sober for half a year! And I am damn proud of it. I am happy that I chose to take on this challenge. It could have easily been so different. Me still drinking, hurting myself and others around me. Needlessly spending a lot of money, just to get away of things, feelings, thoughts that I didn’t want to deal with. Or to be honest not daring to deal with my true self, as I thought that I wasn’t enough.

Although I was making some progress in my healing, I know that I wouldn’t have accomplished as much as I have now, were I still drinking.
I used to call myself a little alcoholic, jokily. At times I just loved that buzz too much. But I could easily refrain from drinking if I wished to do so. There were moments that I would be drinking without even really enjoying the taste or the feeling it gave me. At those moments I didn’t see the use of spending that amount of money, dealing with the hangover or the use of truly experiencing my desperate need to be anything other than myself. And these were the moments that made the difference, the moments that I started reevaluating my life and my actions. I needed to do better, I could do better. And for me to do so, I needed to change some things.

I can truly recommend it to anyone who like I drinks for the wrong reasons or likes it just a little too much or exposes their Inner Cruella too often. And trust me, you know who you are. In order to get different outcomes in life, you have to do things different. Being sober has cleared my mind and so much more! You can take it step by step. Challenge yourself for a week, a month, 3 months, whatever works best. You don’t even have to make it infinite. My challenge now is for a year, but I might just decide to make it a forever….

For now I am loving the Blessing it has been and the Blessings it keeps on giving. I am proud and still going strong! On to the next 6 months!

My Inner Kruella

1 Comment

I have been doing a lot better with dealing with this Kruella person. Getting rid of a lot of anger has helped keeping her dormant. But just a few weeks ago, without a clear warning, she reappeared. I won’t get into details. I don’t even remember what exactly happened. But it involved, disrespectful arguments and unspeakable deeds.

I am not ashamed, nor am I proud. It is a part of me, it makes me whole, makes me ME, completes me. But there is a time, when through the consumption of too much alcohol, I cross a line and Kruella comes out in full force. She acts as an instrument to channel my own hurts into negative energy as so to potentially hurt others and myself. At times that are loved ones, people I care deeply about. As this is a part of me, I can’t get rid of her. What I can do, is to choose to minimize her influence on my being. I can use her as a motivation for who I don’t want to be. Use the negative and destructive energy as a motivation to build a better ME. A more positive ME, a ME that wishes to inspire and spread love instead of hurt.

It is ok to have your Inner Kruella’s. What matters is how you choose to use them in your journey. What matters is that at the bottom of the equation you are happy with yourself and are accountable for all your actions and words. In order to do this I have chosen to refrain from consuming any alcohol for at least a year. This is not a new year’s resolution, I started a few weeks ago. Not only to keep Kruella away, but also to challenge myself. See what good can happen in a year. I will speak on this in a later post.

I have been away for a while, my apologies. Things just haven’t exactly worked out as I wished, as I did not put in the work… This journey is real and I am forever learning and getting better.

Talk to you soon. Happy New Year to you all, in Love and Light!