Are We less than…?

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Throughout the years I have had many different reactions to my story, my past, my journey. People close and distant have been understanding, loving, comforting and uplifting. However just like in all aspects of the Universe, there have been those that were the opposite in their approach. Less understanding, less loving, less comforting and less uplifting. Intentionally or not, the way they left me feel was like the title of this blog…less than…

I have had people who didn’t believe in me or my growth. People who outspokenly said my life was not as good as theirs, or even that I could not possibly fulfill a certain life role being the way I was. Even though I know better, I would listen and take it as a truth.

Cause what do I know, being Mentally Ill and what not….

But I am here to tell you today that these are all lies! Untruths that are unnecessarily shared.

The fact that I have my struggles and battles to fight, does not mean I am not able to function or achieve like any other. Truth be told I believe that, the fact that I dare to openly face and overcome my obstacles and find my way into healing, makes me feel extra Powerful, Skilled and Uniquely Me.

And just like Ye said, it is a SuperPower.

Heal Yourself from a loving and compassionate place. Acknowledging that you are Unique, just like everybody else. And that your struggle is one of your Powers that will now lead as a stepping stone and extra drive to see the world through your Unique eyes. And remember keep pushing towards your Mental Wealth!

SO DON’T YOU EVER LET ANYBODY TELL YOU THAT BECAUSE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH STATE YOU ARE “LESS THAN”

Stay Blessed

Please check out my latest video A trip down memory lane on my channel. Appreciate the Love!

Burning Bridges

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This weekend I went on a trip down memory lane. I went to visit an area here in The Netherlands where I used to live.

Every since I moved I always felt this unease when I went back. I would always feel on edge, super anxious and nervous, days before I was supposed to head over there. It was never a placed I looked forward to revisiting.

The same was for this weekend. Sure, meeting up with certain people was something I do enjoy, there has just always been something about that area and part of my life I am not comfortable with.

But finally this weekend I managed to get to the bottom of it and in a way let go of that negative feeling. I found out that whenever I make huge changes, like finishing school, moving cities, changing jobs, I would literally burn bridges. It was something that I taught myself in order to cope with all that was happening. From moving across the world to the sexual abuse to the sense of abandonment from my family. I thought that if I forget all about it, all the hurt won’t be able to touch me anymore.

But how wrong was I! Although I might not remember specific events or conversations, I do remember how it all made me feel. And as I mentioned many times before, I tend to hold myself accountable for every unpleasant thing in my life to an unhealthy extent. It can get so bad that I am not able to see the positive, joyful and loving memories I do have.

This weekend I was able to see things more clearly. And I am so grateful. I learned that I have been taking my “negative” past and the old me way too seriously. I should really stop giving so many fucks! We all make mistakes, we all trip and fall. It’s about the times we get back up again!

If you want to see what I have been up to make sure to check out my YouTube channel. BlessedAsIAm!
https://youtu.be/YZOgv2y3sPA

Changed Perspective

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Like I shared in my last weeks blog Does Something Greater Await Me?, I was looking at one of my tried and trusted mantras in a whole new way.

I had been saying this to myself for years, maybe even decades. Along this one I used to say The best is yet to come.

A few years back I kinda already realized that these statements would not work for me. As you might know I had been doing all these challenges back in 2015/2016. I felt so good crushing my goals. I had created this lifestyle that was benefitting me in all kind of areas. I felt healthy, strong, I was productive, mentally strong and considering, happy for very long periods of time. I literally felt on top of the world.

But…yes…here it comes. Besides having all these challenges I managed to put myself on and successfully so, I had some personal wishes. Deep inside I thought, when I do this, manage to create this type of lifestyle, I will be able to truly be happy and attract&get the things I truly desire.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. After having completed all these challenges and being in the best physical and mental state I had been in decades, I was expecting some type of reward. I was expecting that Greater, that Best. And when it didn’t come the way I expected it too, I was devastated and believed that no matter what I do, I will never gain in life what my heart truly desires. And I fell back, back in my old and self destructing ways…

What I know now is, that Best, that Greater, that Reward is Now! This is the most precious it has and will ever be. As I grow, keep pushing and evolving. Implementing what I have learned and truly enjoying the journey itself, I won’t have to craze my mind with : If I do this, then I will be happy…

From now on NOW will be my key word. I am most powerful right here and right now!

Getting to know the Real Me

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I truly feel Blessed that I am empowered enough to get to know myself. And that I dare to look and learn to embrace the good, bad and the ugly.

Taking on the Path to Self Knowledge is one of Freedom! There is in my eyes no Greater good than opening your Eyes and Arms to Yourself. And I am just learning to do so.

Learning how to Fully embrace myself, is Learning how to Truly Practice Self Love. And I feel so Blessed that I am giving myself the chance to look within. I am Proud of Me. And I am curious to get to know Me even more and to fully Complete Me.

There is this saying that states that the ones who you love and who in return love you the most are the ones who are capable of hurting you the most. This INCLUDES YOU! You Hurting Yourself. And I, a woman that has seen different types of Evil can say that I have been my own worst enemy!

I no longer wish to treat myself so poorly. So moving forward I will face my trails and tribulations, my highs and my lows with compassion, love and forgiveness.

How Am I?

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It has been a while since I last did a real update on how I am doing and where I am in my journey of healing. In For Real For Real I was rather optimistic and feeling solid and sure in my progress and all that came with it. But things change…

In the above mentioned post I wrote about a wave of new emotions that had to do with my traumas. These emotions have been coming and going and at times they can hit me so hard that I am left paralyzed and confused.

I finally got to go to therapy. I was so looking forward to it and as I mentioned in my last update I really felt it was really constructive. Unfortunately I have been having some second thoughts about the therapist and his ways of therapy. Besides dealing with my hurts, I now also have to deal with the doubt whether or not I can continue being under his care.

I am eating a lot better and being more and more consistent with it. And I am happy to notice that I do not have any major cravings for alcohol or any of my former numbing foods. What I am working on now is trying to stick to a consistent work out routine. For the past few weeks whenever I started to feel worse, working out was usually the first thing I would stop doing.

Tomorrow will be my first day of work reintegration. And now, just a day before, I am not sure how to feel about that. To be honest I have had a tough few weeks where the suicidal thoughts have silently found their way back into my mind. They are not a constant, but I sure cannot deny their presence.

I have the feeling that I am slowly loosing it again. But what I would like to think and tell myself is that this feeling I am having, this scary monster that wants to creep in is actually the pain that wants to come out and be released. And so I will just wait and see, take it day by day and try to allow what ever it is be whatever it is….

In the midst of all this I decided to take BlessedAsIAm to YouTube! So please click on the link and have a look at my very first video! Welcome to BlessedAsIAM!

I call Fucking BS

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Whoop whoop!!! Damn we did it, we made it through another year! We even survived January and its Blue Monday. We may or may not have achieved the goals we had set for 2018. We may have crushed them all. Ooh hail new years resolutions!

We had a whole year to work on that list. What is it that I wish to accomplish, achieve, what did I not do all too well. Where did I drop the ball. What can I continue on doing. And then when December comes, we slowly start to get excited forming a new list. Cause once that month ends, we get a new chance right? We get that one great opportunity to do it over, to start again. Cause that is what it means right, that new year? New Me?

BULL SHIT

Why are we so hung up on these 365 days, these 12 months, these 52 weeks? I understand that we like to measure stuff, put a time line on certain things. But when it comes to improving ourselves, does the date or time line really matter? Isn’t any movement forward the most important thing? So as long as you are doing so, in my eyes you are winning.

I am sorry, not sorry. Did I offend you? The thing that we need to start to believe and see is that every single day is the best day to start over, work on those new goals, improve, let go, open your eyes, forgive, level up! Because if you could not find the best motivation within yourself to do better and become the best YOU you can be on any other day. What makes you think that the first of January or any other month for that matter, will work? The best sources of motivation lie with in yourself! No outer sources can trump that! Never! Cause if they do…you might want to reevaluate your intentions and relationship with yourself. And best believe that the gratification will be tainted and won’t last as long, when the motivation to change is not from within. Satisfaction will not be gained once that goal is achieved. As we must learn to truly enjoy the journey itself!

So tell me, now that that first month of this new year has passed, have you managed to keep that same drive, goal setting mindset. Or maybe March first will do the trick, or better yet 2020…looks good even in writing. What and whenever it is, know that I have complete confidence, that one day will be your day!

13…

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…after 13 days straight. Eating better than well, doing my work outs, waking up early and going to bed early. Filling my days with building this new lifestyle that will serve me on all levels. 13 days straight…day 14 and I no longer can keep the darkness out.

I tried so hard not to fight the darkness. But embrace it and focus on building the new and light instead. But for today I have to call defeat…just for today. I am tired. I just need to catch my breath. Tomorrow is a new day, a new day to keep on building…