Aint it Funny…

Aint it funny how your emotional state can define how some people close to you treat you? How they deal with you, are there for you or celebrate you? It seems as if they are better capable of handling with your struggles than celebrating your happiness and growth?

All these challenges that I created for myself have taught me a great deal about myself. As a bonus it gave me some insight in how not everybody is there to see me progressing, actually winning. We all choose our own path in this journey called life. None is better than the other as we all are different and require different tools and thus shouldn’t compare. So the fact that I am not drinking alcohol for a whole year, eating only plant based food for a month, not buying any new clothes or shoes (with some exceptions) for a year, working on building up this healthy lifestyle with frequent exercise, does not mean my life is boring, it does not mean that I am doing it the wrong way or beig too extra. Nor does it mean that I am asking for your opinion for that matter. It just means that I, if any, would like your support, as I am working on being the best Me that I can be. I will admit, it might be somewhat different, unique, but it works for Me, and that’s all that counts.

I have learned that I am able of doing anything if I will only set my mind to it and put in the work. I know now how ridiculous my thoughts and feelings used to be, in thinking that everybody was better in anything, than I was. That I was a less likable person than anybody else. That the whole world had all these amazing qualities and abilities, except me. I am my own number 1 now, in priority and love. I am my biggest fan now, cause if I don’t believe in myself, if I don’t support myself, how can I ever expect anybody else to do so.

Sure there are some nuances, as I have also learned that I can be really tough on myself and occasionally have too high expectations of myself and people around me. So this is me venting, as my journey and challenges have given me some new knowledge. Some people are all ears when you are down and out. When you are not confident or happy with yourself and the life that you are living. But when you finally see the light, the seemingly sincere interest dissapears.

But you know what, Imma be Happy, Imma do Me. Imma push through, with or without and regardless of anyone’s opinion. Cause I am Blessed As I Am!

Still Sober

It is true what they say. No matter what it is that you are doing or going through. Time will pass nevertheless. Regardless of how productive you are, that minute, those 30 minutes, that day, those months…it will all pass.
So why not choose to spend that precious time doing something for the better. Why not work on being the best you that you can be, instead of just dealing with life in a passive way. Seeing the days literally pass by and asking yourself, where did the time go?

Acknowledging this, I can’t believe it has already been 6 months, 183 days and approximately 4390 hours since I had my last drink. I can actually say that I have been sober for half a year! And I am damn proud of it. I am happy that I chose to take on this challenge. It could have easily been so different. Me still drinking, hurting myself and others around me. Needlessly spending a lot of money, just to get away of things, feelings, thoughts that I didn’t want to deal with. Or to be honest not daring to deal with my true self, as I thought that I wasn’t enough.

Although I was making some progress in my healing, I know that I wouldn’t have accomplished as much as I have now, were I still drinking.
I used to call myself a little alcoholic, jokily. At times I just loved that buzz too much. But I could easily refrain from drinking if I wished to do so. There were moments that I would be drinking without even really enjoying the taste or the feeling it gave me. At those moments I didn’t see the use of spending that amount of money, dealing with the hangover or the use of truly experiencing my desperate need to be anything other than myself. And these were the moments that made the difference, the moments that I started reevaluating my life and my actions. I needed to do better, I could do better. And for me to do so, I needed to change some things.

I can truly recommend it to anyone who like I drinks for the wrong reasons or likes it just a little too much or exposes their Inner Cruella too often. And trust me, you know who you are. In order to get different outcomes in life, you have to do things different. Being sober has cleared my mind and so much more! You can take it step by step. Challenge yourself for a week, a month, 3 months, whatever works best. You don’t even have to make it infinite. My challenge now is for a year, but I might just decide to make it a forever….

For now I am loving the Blessing it has been and the Blessings it keeps on giving. I am proud and still going strong! On to the next 6 months!

Words Can’t Explain…

I just can’t believe how much happier I am today.  I have so much gratitude for where I am now. Never would I’ve thought that my Happiness was possible. Let alone believe that it would lie in a place so near, so reachable.

I came from a far, deep, dark, ugly and hurtful place. This place was my home, for the longest time that I can remember. I can even say that for the longest time of my life, I stayed at that horrible place. Day by day wishing that things would change, hoping for brighter days to come. Not understanding why I was going through what I was going through. Thinking that that, was what my life was about. Even looking at others, wishing for their strength, joy and happiness. On my darkest moments I even wished to no longer exist…I was so tired…longing for it all to end. No more hope for better days. Believing that I deserved to end it all and be free…

Damn what a difference time makes. I had a lot of help from family, friends, experts and strangers. And in a way food, cigarets, alcohol and buying new stuff helped me through some sad moments every now and then. But there was a source I never knew could be so empowering and satisfying. A source that grows when fed with positivity, love and patience. This source surprisingly turned out to be ME, the one person that truly made this happen is ME! This is such an emotional statement to make. But I know now, that it was ME all along. I have that power, I have that strenght, I AM my Happiness.

Sure am grateful for all the help I got, really am. But I can tell you this, no matter how often or hard people try to shine a light on your Greatness, as long as you don’t believe it, don’t feel it, don’t see it…it won’t lead you to your true Happiness. You truly have to understand that it is all YOU! You make the dark days brighter, you make yourself stronger, happier, Blessed… Even if you don’t see it now, hold on, keep going! That Bright and Warm light is on it’s way!

I Love Myself now

I Am Beautiful

I Am My Happiness

I Am My Greatness

I Am My Love

I Am Blessed As I Am

….and then some.

 

Just a Random Fuck

When we met I thought you were so damn fine. As I laid my eyes on you I cursed as I knew you could be bad news. Mad hot, but so bad! I cursed cause I knew I wanted you, I wanted you near, I wanted us to be.
You were smooth. Like the ladies man you were and held yourself with no shame, you reeled me in. Even when you told me you weren’t a “one woman man”, I fell for whatever you were willing to give and I enjoyed the us that we were.
I assumed you enjoyed us too, the “we” that we were becoming. I thought that you enjoyed me as I was, flaws and all. As long as it lasted I felt like the only woman. Deep down I knew better. Slowly the change came. There were these jabs. Hurtful things you would say to me. Things about the way I looked, things about the way I held myself, things about how I looked at life, things about how I acted when we were intimate. At that moment the guy I thought I knew, the guy I trusted, told all about my hurts and blessings, my hopes and dreams. The one with whom I shared tears, laughter and knowledge, that guy I got to trust intimately on a level so passionately and free, would turn on me as if I was nothing more than a random fuck.

All was so unnecessary but ooh so effective. Bit by bit you started to tear me down. You managed to make me doubt myself, feel bad about myself and eventually believe all the ugly things you said to me.
Although the years have past and our relationship has changed, I still can’t seem to completely shut you out. You still seek attention, that I reluctantly and very sparsely give. Because crazy as it seems, I do care about you deeply. I try to focus on the good that is in you and forgive.

Lately my strength and courage are taking over. My body and dirty mind still wishes to engage with yours. But my heart is speaking up now. You took away the playful, joyful, passionate, secure atmosphere we used to have when we were intimate. You wonder why I keep pushing you away and till now I couldn’t find the words to describe how I feel. But I can now…How can I ever open myself up again to where I too can enjoy our intimacy, to where I feel like your equal and be free to express my true self. How can I ever believe the positive words that are coming out of your mouth. How can I forget the way you made me feel? Will you ever be able to truly be with me and show it in a way, so I no longer feel like just a random fuck? Any other woman I would’ve given the advise to walk away, or better yet run! These interactions aren’t serving me, so why do I keep holding on?

This soberness is doing it’s work, cause I can see clearer now. I am here for Me. And I wish to grow, be beautiful, be loved for who I am and stay Blessed. As you can not seem to walk beside me as peers, I ask you to please let me be. Let me be the great self that I can and may be! I understand my worth now!

You Were the One

Am I tricking myself, reminiscing on how it used to be, making up stories and unwilling to truly let it be? They say time is a healer, but how much longer do I need? Will I ever be able to talk or think about you without getting emotional? So many factors that can make me see the bare truth and rationalise. We were young, careless and free. Nevertheless, I dare to say that you were the one, my greatest love…

I know you have moved on and found your happiness. And in spite of this all, so have I. Within my journey of being the best that I can be, I am sincerely happy for you.

And still, even with all these facts, thinking about you can cut so deep, at times it even brings tears to my eyes. Is this all because you were my one true love. Because you showed me love was possible in a wickedly beautiful, imperfect way? Is it because you proved to me that I was allowed to love and be loved unconditionally. Is it because at that time, through all the pain, you were the only one that truly touched me and showed me a way out.

I never knew that something so beautiful as love could hurt so ugly. With all that I know now, nothing hurts so deep than love or the lack thereof.

I know I did you wrong, really wrong and I am so sorry for that. Where I used to tell myself that you were not ready for us, I must confess that I was in fact, not ready to receive your unconditional love. The love you gave was so pure, so beautiful, so fresh, so young and clear. And yet, I did not know how to deal with it and return it the way you deserved. It has almost been fifteen years, and deep down those feelings are still present, when will this pass? Don’t get me wrong, I truly cherish every moment that we shared. All the things that you taught me, all the things you offered and all the love you gave. But I can’t help to wonder, are all these emotions that I feel based on an illusion, have I wrongly stored what was in a memory way too beautiful? Am I reminiscing it all more intense than it really was. Is my heart truly playing these tricks? Is the love that I feel, the love I had for you, or is it the love I have for how you made me feel?

I strongly believe that as long as you are true to yourself, honest about what really is, all can be revealed and answered. So what is it…Am I too afraid to see that it was all a dream. Am I only hoping that it was as pure as my memory shows me. Whatever the outcome may be, I do thank you for I have now known a love so deep! I know that I can love and be loved on a level that exceeds all. No matter when or how this will happen, I trust that that love will once again be, with a soul as Blessed as I am today.

 

 

I Used to…

I USED TO…
Almost marking 90 days of sobriety.
There have been moments where I longed for that drink. That one glass to take the edge off. Or even that one zip to taste that gorgeous wine, funky G&T or refreshing beer. Some of these moments I desired that drink to celebrate, at times just to get away of it all, to destress or clear my mind. But I haven’t budged, not even for one drink or one zip! I did sniff on some, that I am guilty of…
What kept me strong all these days was knowing why I was doing it. I truly was keeping my eye on the price. Even if that prize at times seemed so unimportant or not worth it. I always had the choice: “do I drink now and enjoy that temporary feeling, the risk of taking it too far and waking up with that ever numbing hangover. Or do I say no to the temptation, keep a clear mind, enjoy the moment and my (own) company with my full senses and wake up the next day without any regrets or that damned hangover?” I always chose the latter. And I am grateful for that.

I have been sober for a long period of time before. But never with the awareness that I have now, never with the maturity that I have grown in, never with the self love that I have now mastered. I already was on a great journey of amazing self discoveries, self love and self acceptance. These 90 days have in addition taught me that I can be the best me that I can possibly be. That I have the power to steer my thoughts to empowerment and positivity, that I have the skills to grow and learn every waking moment. That I truly am worthy of self love, love and acceptance. And the best thing is that I am all this without the help of any substance. I used to think that I would feel better with alcohol, that I would enjoy an evening out more, that that steak surely tasted better with a certain wine. I thought that I would fit in more.

I am so happy that I know better now!
I don’t need alcohol or drugs to turn up. I am more than enough. Just the way I am, I am a strong woman, that has a lot to offer, a beautiful young woman that is blessed enough to know that no matter what my past has been, or how thankful I am with all that I have gained, Greater things await me!

I am Free

This might be the hardest thing I ever had to face. Finding the right words to describe what I feel without getting too emotional or mentioning unnecessary details. Not long ago I hinted at the life changing decision I made…well, here it is. With tears in my eyes, a heavy heart, a sense of fear but also relief I am sharing this with you.

While dealing with what happened in the past, I harbored a lot of anger and sometimes even pure rage. A lot of that anger was easy to explain. Many therapy sessions, breakdowns and a lot of self reflection helped me lose a huge part of that anger. But still some remained. Telling myself that I did not know where it came from only made it worse. I was so afraid, wanting to shield myself from another form of betrayal. One potentially bigger than my so called father put on me. It hurt so much, opening up my eyes to the pain I felt and acknowledging that it was you who still had such a hold on me.

You used to tell me you wanted a child. But at that age, in whatever situation you might have been and with all that was to come, were you ready to be my mother…?

I have made peace with the role you play in my life. I let go of all expectations. I have forgiven your disloyalty. No longer am I trying to understand the choices you made. I decide not to be affected by the people you select to have relations with, I distance myself emotionally so your words and actions won’t hurt me no more. I am my own woman now. I am beautiful from the inside and out. I have great potential and the means to exploit them. I am free.

Once again, I choose ME