Too Much!

A while ago I posted a few words on my Instagram . It was an expression of how I was feeling. Heck, it is an expression of how I have been feeling my whole life!

If I go back to when I was still a little girl, I remember always feeling different from everybody around me. Sure, I was this black girl who moved continents to live in this big strange white world. Aside from my own mother, no one looked like me. But that was not it. There was something deep down, something on a mental and emotional level.

Decades later, I still feel some sort of disconnect. As if I vibrate on a different frequency. On many different levels, people, close and distant alike, have found and told me that I make too much noise. That I can be rather intense whenever I choose to speak my mind. That I care too much, too long and too often. That I just should quiet down and let go.

But here’s the problem for me. If we choose to stay quiet about things that matter, how are we ever going to make that change? Me staying quiet about my sexual abuse was only beneficial to my abuser and his facilitators. Me staying quiet about my mental health only puts out an image that pleases the comfort level of others. Me staying quiet about injustice is me turning a blind eye. A blind eye to my true self.

This week I realized, in order for me to learn to love myself, I have to be free and willing to be myself. I am not for everybody, I am for Me


How Am I?

It has been a while since I last did a real update on how I am doing and where I am in my journey of healing. In For Real For Real I was rather optimistic and feeling solid and sure in my progress and all that came with it. But things change…

In the above mentioned post I wrote about a wave of new emotions that had to do with my traumas. These emotions have been coming and going and at times they can hit me so hard that I am left paralyzed and confused.

I finally got to go to therapy. I was so looking forward to it and as I mentioned in my last update I really felt it was really constructive. Unfortunately I have been having some second thoughts about the therapist and his ways of therapy. Besides dealing with my hurts, I now also have to deal with the doubt whether or not I can continue being under his care.

I am eating a lot better and being more and more consistent with it. And I am happy to notice that I do not have any major cravings for alcohol or any of my former numbing foods. What I am working on now is trying to stick to a consistent work out routine. For the past few weeks whenever I started to feel worse, working out was usually the first thing I would stop doing.

Tomorrow will be my first day of work reintegration. And now, just a day before, I am not sure how to feel about that. To be honest I have had a tough few weeks where the suicidal thoughts have silently found their way back into my mind. They are not a constant, but I sure cannot deny their presence.

I have the feeling that I am slowly loosing it again. But what I would like to think and tell myself is that this feeling I am having, this scary monster that wants to creep in is actually the pain that wants to come out and be released. And so I will just wait and see, take it day by day and try to allow what ever it is be whatever it is….

In the midst of all this I decided to take BlessedAsIAm to YouTube! So please click on the link and have a look at my very first video! Welcome to BlessedAsIAM!


The Gift that keeps on Giving

I don’t even know when or where that gift originated. How far back I would need to go, to see how that one gift could have so much impact. Did it start with the sexual abuse, or was it the day he put his eyes on me and saw the answer to his sick, predatory sexual needs? Or was it the day I was conceived, the day I was born? Maybe this didn’t start with me. It all might have originated decades ago, generations ago…

And here we are now. Still experiencing the generosity that one gift brought. One could wonder if it really could be put down to one single gift, event, action or inaction, that resulted in generations of build up and passing on. How it now has grown to this enormous, undeniable plague that will not be ignored, put down or shoved under the rug untill it is dealt with. Untill I take on that task and fully deal with it.

So yes, I believe that for me, when I was able to physically notice this oh so generous gift, was the moment I was conceived. When I took my first breath in an environment that was as the most fertile grounds for that gift, is when the giving started to take on more shape. Small gifts were dropped here and there till one of the biggest of all was presented to me, that so called father, the one that thought sex with me was the answer, Frank Meijer. In a way his gift was another one on itself, one that would only strengthen what was already passed on by my ancestors.

The gift that keeps on giving…seeing it as such only confirms that for many decades people have denied its existence. And now that it has reached me, it has become such a grave and ugly gift to unwrap. Dysfunction within families is what kept it growing and giving. But it stops here, I no longer wish to receive any of its gifts, nor do I wish this for the generations to come. I am working my hardest to make an end to this madness. Maybe that was my task all along, make it stop or die trying…


I call Fucking BS

Whoop whoop!!! Damn we did it, we made it through another year! We even survived January and its Blue Monday. We may or may not have achieved the goals we had set for 2018. We may have crushed them all. Ooh hail new years resolutions!

We had a whole year to work on that list. What is it that I wish to accomplish, achieve, what did I not do all too well. Where did I drop the ball. What can I continue on doing. And then when December comes, we slowly start to get excited forming a new list. Cause once that month ends, we get a new chance right? We get that one great opportunity to do it over, to start again. Cause that is what it means right, that new year? New Me?

BULL SHIT

Why are we so hung up on these 365 days, these 12 months, these 52 weeks? I understand that we like to measure stuff, put a time line on certain things. But when it comes to improving ourselves, does the date or time line really matter? Isn’t any movement forward the most important thing? So as long as you are doing so, in my eyes you are winning.

I am sorry, not sorry. Did I offend you? The thing that we need to start to believe and see is that every single day is the best day to start over, work on those new goals, improve, let go, open your eyes, forgive, level up! Because if you could not find the best motivation within yourself to do better and become the best YOU you can be on any other day. What makes you think that the first of January or any other month for that matter, will work? The best sources of motivation lie with in yourself! No outer sources can trump that! Never! Cause if they do…you might want to reevaluate your intentions and relationship with yourself. And best believe that the gratification will be tainted and won’t last as long, when the motivation to change is not from within. Satisfaction will not be gained once that goal is achieved. As we must learn to truly enjoy the journey itself!

So tell me, now that that first month of this new year has passed, have you managed to keep that same drive, goal setting mindset. Or maybe March first will do the trick, or better yet 2020…looks good even in writing. What and whenever it is, know that I have complete confidence, that one day will be your day!


13…

…after 13 days straight. Eating better than well, doing my work outs, waking up early and going to bed early. Filling my days with building this new lifestyle that will serve me on all levels. 13 days straight…day 14 and I no longer can keep the darkness out.

I tried so hard not to fight the darkness. But embrace it and focus on building the new and light instead. But for today I have to call defeat…just for today. I am tired. I just need to catch my breath. Tomorrow is a new day, a new day to keep on building…


Blessed As I Am

During this journey of healing from the abuse and its aftermath, I have noticed that it is one hell of a ride! Of course I knew this, but it is 25 years after the actual sexual abuse came to an end I am still battling the darkness it brought into my life.

At times it feels as if I am strapped to this wheel with my body fully stretched. And as my journey goes, so does the wheel turn. At the lowest part of the wheel there is water, which allows my body to be fully submerged every time the wheel turns and my feet point to the sky. At the beginning of my journey, the water was so high that I only got to breathe whenever my head was at its highest point, up in the air. With my nose just above water level. Gradually the water level subsided. Thankfully so…

At this moment in time the water reaches just above my upper lip. With each turn, I go through a cycle of mental wealth. When I can breathe, all is well and I feel free and empowered. But as my head turns towards the water, darkness starts to creep in and I feel as if all hope is lost. All untill my crown breaks through the water surface and light is able to warm me and guide me to better days.

Although times can be really tough and trying. I am learning to appreciate and love the complete journey with its cycles. Even the moments when I can’t breathe. I am learning about who this Beautiful Queen actually is and what drives her. I am also learning like I mentioned in an earlier blog post, Destined for Greatness, that all this serves a greater purpose.

I created BlessedAsIAm in 2015, 4 years down the road and I can’t be happier with the title. Cause I truly feel Blessed As I Am!


Dear little Girl

Please bare with me while I write this letter to you. I hope the words come out right and are able to do justice to how I feel.

Recently I found this screenshot of an old photo of you. And what I saw hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden I saw YOU, I saw Me and I saw all the Pain.

Not one adult stepped in and did their job of protecting you, therefore I want you to know that I am here for you now. At that age the two people who should have been the most important, loving, guiding, protecting and influential in your life failed you miserably and I am so sorry! I can see now, that the woman who gave birth to you is just as guilty as that so called father that abused you. I am so sorry baby girl, I am so sorry, but I am here now. It is time for you to let go of the burden, you may rest now. I am here, I will be your voice, I will protect you and I will fight for you.

Today I promise you that I will dedicate my life to see you shine, to see you laugh as often as possible and as loud as possible. I will do my very best to protect you from any evil spirit that tries to hurt your soul. Cause little one, you have had enough, and I understand now why you are so tired. You were given a job that you were never supposed to have been introduced to in the first place. But you took it on without complaining because you thought that, was how love and being a child was supposed to be. I cannot even imagine how you managed to do that, all by yourself!

Thank you for making it this far. I salute you! I am here now. I am taking over. It is my time now to make you Proud. You may enjoy the fruits of your hard labor. I see you and I vow to you that I will see you every single day! I love you