New Year, Same Me, Different Challenges.

In my last post I mentioned taking on new habits to better myself. My intention is to declutter my life, this in order to look and eventually find my full potential. Strip myself from all the stuff that keeps me away from focussing on what really matters to me. Learning to truly love myself, finding out what makes me happy and discover what I am capable of. It is going to be a real challenge, cause I gave myself 12 whole months to take on this quest.

First challenge is not consuming alcohol for a whole year. I have refrained from alcohol before. Longest was almost 3 months. Those 3 months helped me quit smoking. I haven’t smoked since May 2013, what a relieve that has been! This makes me only more curious to find out what 12 months might bring me. My starting date was 17th December 2015.

Secondly I wish to change up my studio apartment. Meaning…getting rid of a lot of stuff. I love the place and the location. It is just not that big and there might be a little hoarder inside of me…Besides junk I think I will be needing some day, I happen to have an extensive shoe, clothes and bag collection. Way more than one person needs to live a comfortable and creative fashionable life. So for the coming 12 months I will not buy any new clothes or shoes. To make this challenge a little more feasible, I may buy the usual staple items and occasional thrift gems. This one is going to be hard…

Last major challenge is me working on getting this amazing body of mine in a shape I know it will be even more amazing and happy. This means really getting my lifestyle and health in order. Fuelling my body the right way, giving it the proper exercise and the well deserved rest. While writing this I am devouring a big bag of candy…the struggle is yet again real!

I know I am asking quite a lot of myself. But I know the time is right. In order to achieve something I need to step outside my comfort zones. All these challenges will help me to really get out there, dig deeper and prosper. I won’t be able to hide behind the alcohol, shopping or food. It will all have to come from within. Might need to find new ways to spoil myself, feed my shopping hunger or craving for that numbing effect of alcohol and food.

I believe I can. In Love and Light

My Inner Kruella

I have been doing a lot better with dealing with this Kruella person. Getting rid of a lot of anger has helped keeping her dormant. But just a few weeks ago, without a clear warning, she reappeared. I won’t get into details. I don’t even remember what exactly happened. But it involved, disrespectful arguments and unspeakable deeds.

I am not ashamed, nor am I proud. It is a part of me, it makes me whole, makes me ME, completes me. But there is a time, when through the consumption of too much alcohol, I cross a line and Kruella comes out in full force. She acts as an instrument to channel my own hurts into negative energy as so to potentially hurt others and myself. At times that are loved ones, people I care deeply about. As this is a part of me, I can’t get rid of her. What I can do, is to choose to minimize her influence on my being. I can use her as a motivation for who I don’t want to be. Use the negative and destructive energy as a motivation to build a better ME. A more positive ME, a ME that wishes to inspire and spread love instead of hurt.

It is ok to have your Inner Kruella’s. What matters is how you choose to use them in your journey. What matters is that at the bottom of the equation you are happy with yourself and are accountable for all your actions and words. In order to do this I have chosen to refrain from consuming any alcohol for at least a year. This is not a new year’s resolution, I started a few weeks ago. Not only to keep Kruella away, but also to challenge myself. See what good can happen in a year. I will speak on this in a later post.

I have been away for a while, my apologies. Things just haven’t exactly worked out as I wished, as I did not put in the work… This journey is real and I am forever learning and getting better.

Talk to you soon. Happy New Year to you all, in Love and Light!

 

The Struggle is Real

Afbeelding 175

 

It has been a long time, maybe even a long time coming. These dark clouds that seem to follow me from afar finally caught up. Although I seem to distance myself more and more from these dooming negativities, completely getting rid of them, is something I don’t dare to dream of. I have been doing well, making myself busy and living the life I needed at any given moment. In the shadows something dark would be lurking every now and then. With the energy that I had in me I would force in more light, blinding the dark shadows….holding them back just a little longer and hopefully making them disappear in whole…. Because I should be better now. I want to be better now, I NEED to be better now. I’ve been through so much, sought help from family, friends and professionals. Gone from totally breaking down to working my hardest to keep my head above the water. Doing the most to feel as good from the inside as I looked from the outside. Not wanting to bother people with my sad stories, my insecurities and my growing tiredness. I could already hear some think: “Shouldn’t you be over this by now, I don’t understand your problem, you need to let go, your life seems pretty good, you are healthy, you have a great job, a house, a car, loving family and friends…what more do you wish for?” …to be completely honest… I don’t know, Time maybe? Cause all the riches in the world can’t heal a broken soul. The purest, deepest and most unconditional love from others can’t heal you either. It all has to come from within yourself, myself….but what if I am just too tired to mend my broken soul, what if I am out of ways to find the broken pieces, what if I don’t even know how to mend it, as I barely had the joy of experiencing it undamaged….

A whole 72hrs passed by, 72hrs that I needed to kick start myself. 72hrs of total exclusion, shamelessly in a fancy hotel room somewhere in a far eastern metropole. 72hrs that I spend in bed, only getting out for the most necessary. Living on one hot meal a day, water, tv and the little contact I had with the outside world. I had been looking forward to exploring the city, really spending my time to get to know the best places to eat, drink tea, enjoy a cocktail, shop and meet new people. But I just couldn’t, I was too tired, too empty, I needed to reload. And that’s what I did!

The next project is coming up, it hasn’t had the attention it needed, but I will go on! The thing with me is, as long as I am struggling I am moving. It might not seem as such or very productive, but struggling for me means that I haven’t give up. As long as I am struggling there is always hope! So please hang in there with me, I hope to exceed my last creation.

 

Gotta Love The Waterfalls

Crying, another one of those things I am all too familiar with. Every now and then these overwhelming sad emotions come over me. Not able to stop them or handle them in a controlled way, crying seems to be the only way to cope at that moment. And I count myself lucky for being able to cry and not seeing it as a weakness. The tears in a sense are the sad and negative feelings leaving my system. Like the pause button has been pushed and room is being made to think clearly, start letting go and think about the things that do make me happy. Concentrate on what is and giving myself the love that I deserve. This doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time, but it does happen. As the emotional person that I am, I can appreciate these teary moments.

I am no stranger to crying in my bed. But truly crying myself to sleep, is something that I cannot do. I always wondered how people do that. After having cried till there are no more tears, my eyes all puffy and red, a soar throat and a runny nose, I usually end up empty inside with a massive headache. So how do people do that falling asleep part while crying? I first have to feel ashamed for crying so dramatically and thinking that my whole situation is the end of the world. That there is nothing else to live for. After the shame, the smile and sometimes hysterical laughter may follow, laughing at myself for being that silly. Laughing at the empty negative thoughts that I allowed to take a hold of me. The calm in the end is what eventually makes me fall asleep, knowing that I have the ability to count my blessings and hope to see another day to do better and be better.

Quote

Ready for ME

Love is what I do have for myself

But at times I just wonder…

I love myself for all that I am

My beauty, generosity and kindness

my weirdness, quirkiness and crazy

You, yes you out there… Are you ready to be amazed?

My FuckedUpness

I see all that I am as a blessing. Flaws and all. After all those years, I can say with true conviction, I am happy in my current situation. I’ve learned that nothing else matters than the here and now. I am working on myself, making me happy. Without distractions, getting to know me, what I want and have to offer.

All that I have been through made me into this beautiful blessed woman that I am today. And still every now and then, my insecurity creeps in on me and lets me feed my FuckedUpness. I naturally have some extra special weirdness in my mind and heart. But that is just me being silly crazy, fun and more lovable. This FuckedUpness is me doubting my worthiness, letting all that happened work me in a negative way, feeling that I am too FuckedUp to ever built a healthy, positive and constructive connection with a man. Treasuring a relationship of being best friends. Being great individuals together and an even greater team apart. Being able to feed and please each others body, mind and soul. Not being afraid to challenge each other, and thus always striving to be better and stronger.

This feeling shall pass. I believe that something greater awaits me. When the time is right, I will meet this Mister Right.

I am Free

This might be the hardest thing I ever had to face. Finding the right words to describe what I feel without getting too emotional or mentioning unnecessary details. Not long ago I hinted at the life changing decision I made…well, here it is. With tears in my eyes, a heavy heart, a sense of fear but also relief I am sharing this with you.

While dealing with what happened in the past, I harbored a lot of anger and sometimes even pure rage. A lot of that anger was easy to explain. Many therapy sessions, breakdowns and a lot of self reflection helped me lose a huge part of that anger. But still some remained. Telling myself that I did not know where it came from only made it worse. I was so afraid, wanting to shield myself from another form of betrayal. One potentially bigger than my so called father put on me. It hurt so much, opening up my eyes to the pain I felt and acknowledging that it was you who still had such a hold on me.

You used to tell me you wanted a child. But at that age, in whatever situation you might have been and with all that was to come, were you ready to be my mother…?

I have made peace with the role you play in my life. I let go of all expectations. I have forgiven your disloyalty. No longer am I trying to understand the choices you made. I decide not to be affected by the people you select to have relations with, I distance myself emotionally so your words and actions won’t hurt me no more. I am my own woman now. I am beautiful from the inside and out. I have great potential and the means to exploit them. I am free.

Once again, I choose ME