My Progress…

A few months into my journey to healing, I thought I might share how it all has been so far.

A few months ago I was really in a dark place. I was literally done… I had expressed to some close friends that I was tired of fighting and that I felt as if there was just one way out… A dear friend managed to convince me to ask for professional help. And so I applied for help. Unfortunately there was a waiting list of at least 28 weeks in my home town. I knew I wouldn’t be able to make it through that time in one piece so I chose to seek help farther away from home, with the option of relocating once there was an open spot closer to home.

Therapy started. It felt as if I finally managed to grab that lifeline that would prevent me from drowning. For me therapy is like talking to someone familiar who is able to respond on a higher psychological manner and without any judgement. After having recaptured the how and why from my point of view, the first order of business was getting me off the couch and out of the house. Before we were even going to tackle the thoughts, cognitive behavioral therapy, I needed to get out of isolation.

Now 1,5 months into therapy, I am slowly but surely more able to push myself and get out of the house. I am lucky to be surrounded by friends and family members who are truly stepping up and embracing this version of me and its needs. I, on the other hand am still struggling with what is going on and where this will lead to. I still don’t see or feel the point of it all. The purpose of me living. They say it takes time…so I guess I just have to be patient, keep on going and keep an open mind.

Please Don’t…

Don’t tell me it’s ok not to be ok. Stop saying that it is normal to have a bad day every once in a while. Don’t say I shouldn’t exaggerate and just get over it. Don’t tell me that I should focus on the positive things in my life and that this will pass sooner than I can imagine. My Mental Wellness will not just improve with some encouragement or kind words. Sure the love is appreciated, but I didn’t end up in this place because I was not trying to be receiving of.

I have come to the realization that people rather not speak of the less nicer things in life. Although everybody experiences stressful or even traumatic events to a certain extent in their life, what is seen or shown is mostly the good or the positive outcome of their journey. Don’t get me wrong I do understand that highlighting on the hardships in your life won’t do you any good. But for me, who is quite sensitive and shares practically everything it is hard to deal with only seeing one side of the medal. It takes away a big part of the realness and even worse makes me feel alone in my struggles and at times very misunderstood. And this all makes it even harder to share how truly dark the darkness gets.

And I feel that, because people rarely share the other side of that medal, the world of Mental Wellness is one of many paths unknown. Speaking from my own experience, not giving my Mental Health the proper attention only makes it worse. Because Blessed, I have done it all! I went from confronting the negative feelings and thoughts head on to literally running or rather flying away from them. I took on challenges, stripping away all the noise in my life like materialism and unhealthy lifestyles. Reading self help books, watching inspirational videos and showering myself with positive affirmations. Even taking the next step in my career and living situations. Everything I could think of as a way to get rid of the numbing pain that was boiling inside of me. And lets not forget 20 years of me in and out of various therapy sessions.

And yet…here I am again. After all the above that I have tried and done, wishing it was working. I find myself with this Depression, back with yet another specialized psychiatrist.

What I am basically trying to say is that in this hashtag positive prone society we live in, there is this huge other world of people just like me that do not rhyme with the whole #ilovemylife kinda vibe. They might try to, I sure have and still am! But don’t be too quick to ignore it when the message comes out differently or the hashtag isn’t as joyful as you are used to.
Mental Illness is Real.

We are Back!!!

Where last week things were in an up, this week it is all tears, misery, doomsday, nauseating negativity and utter sadness.

The world seems so surreal. How is it possible or even allowed for a person to feel such overwhelming sadness, hopelessness and defeat.

I am well aware that this journey I chose to take on is one of many twists and turns and even more ups&downs. It is just that I wonder…when is it enough. Those dark days are really dark.

When I look at myself in the mirror I see nothing. An empty shell. I feel nothing, I register none. There is a figure, apparently female who has put on a massive amount of weight. Both on her shoulders and on her entire body. The skin on her face lost its glow, its vibrancy and smoothness. What rests is casket ready grayness with lumps and bumps, dark circles under her eyes, that reflect the deep depths of her depression.

And then that scary question arises: Will this ever end, Will I ever feel something other than sadness, How will it end…

The First steps…

The last few days have been quite acceptable and maybe even pleasant for a short period of time. At moments I had the spark that gave me the slightest feeling of excitement for my future and more pleasurable moments.

Although I feel that I have reached this turning point that I no longer feel overwhelmed by this whole depression, negativity and hopelessness. I can’t shake the feeling that I still feel that deep down things are not right. That this dark cloud or swamp is always going to be there. I may have gathered the strength now to pick up my life and work on my healing. But I still feel that rottenness. Like something I cannot seem to cut out of my life for good.

Most of the time I feel like I don’t belong. And yes, fir the majority of time, that I don’t deserve to be here because I serve no purpose and that I am wasting seemingly valuable resources that some other soul could really make use of and put in to their full potential.

And then there are moments that I question my own thoughts, feelings and conclusions. Am I exaggerating, putting this whole not feeling as I belong out of proportion? Should I just shut up, stop whining and just move on. But then again, I have been doing that my whole life and look at what it has brought me, where I mentally am at the moment. And I know that she who controls her mind and thoughts controls her feelings and thus life. But what if that translation, connection is just messed up. I can play pretend, but in the end it doesn’t make me feel any different deep down.

And this all has nothing to do with being grateful for what I have been given and the opportunities I was able to transform into accomplishments. I recognize that I regardless was able to make a living for myself. But that is that. I know it, but I don’t feel it.

Fuck…lot of the time I wish for a life without any obligations. No answering to anybody or anything. Not having to work herein is a major factor. Maybe I should change my profession and find something that does not feel like such an obligation. I appreciate the life that I am able to live with the money and time off my current work and position gives me. When I am off, I am able to live a pretty careless life, safe in my cocoon. On the job I literally have to get in uniform. Surround myself with people that have different morals and views on such a level that it bothers me. People with double agenda’s, fakeness or just nasty negativity and superficialness on the job. And I get it, you go to work to work and not make friends. But unfortunately I am currently not programmed like that. Work is a large part of my life so it sure does matter to me who I surround myself with. At this moment I am wondering if the pro’s still outweigh the cons.

Maybe I should reevaluate this all when I am “better”. When I am able to loudly and proudly say who I am and what I stand for.

Though I secretly think that you should never disregard your gut feeling.

Clean House

…that is the hefty task that lays before me. Figuratively and Literally.

Many times have I said, This is probably the hardest Thing I ever had to Do. But some how, there always seems to be more from where that came from. As if that damned well of hardships, painful confrontations and hurdles is one that’ll never dry out.

It has been a few months now since I actively embarked on this new journey. If I am being honest, I had been unconsciously, negatively working myself up to that point of final exhaustion and breakdown for a few years.

The darkness only recently fully found its way to the surface as I could no longer ignore the pain I felt inside. Showing up for work meant a whole ritual of giving myself a pep talk and repeating positive affirmations. Going outside was only done when necessary. And eventually getting out of bed seemed like the hardest thing ever.

Just before my ultimate breakdown I found myself crying on an almost daily basis. I had this constant sadness and darkness I could no longer fight or dissect. And then again, after bursting out in tears in public amongst strangers, I called a friend. I had come to a point where I wanted to end it all, I was done, I was tired, what was the point of me, my life…

A few weeks prior I had been vocal to my closest friends about me sympathizing with people who after a long battle eventually chose to end it all. I let them know that I could see myself on that path too. But like I said in an earlier post I hadn’t given up just yet. I knew I needed help and I wanted help.

And so that one call to my friend got me to where I am today. At home on sick leave for going on 2 months and a few weeks into therapy for what was diagnosed as a Severe Depression with suicidal thoughts.

I have a long road ahead of me. Although I still don’t find any joy in my life now. I feel that I can breath again and that there is someone holding my hand and guiding me through the darkness.

Everyone has a different journey. We all have different pasts and presents. And so no Mental Health issue is experienced the same. No need to compare or judge. Just keep it simple: Respect and Empathize.

Stay Blessed

My Take on Mental Illness

Mental Illness has no Face, no Status, No boundaries.

It sees no color, no race, no education, gender nor occupation

Mental Illness does not care about your Riches, emotional, spiritual, or materialistic

Mental Illness is an on going Battle

No matter how many therapy sessions, pills, will power or support you have…

And the choice to End the Pain has nothing to do with weakness

Most of us rather stay and be “happy” like our loved ones would like to see us

Make no mistake, Mental Illness is as real and potentially fatal as any other deadly Illness

But I still like to Believe that there is Hope

So Please stick around and

Take on this Journey of Hope with me

Am I?

Am I truly working hard enough to make Me feel better. How much should I push myself?

Writing this now it seems silly to even ask, duh…push as hard as you can, don’t stop, never give up and keep on believing.

But to be honest, to me, working hard, pushing myself, actively doing stuff in order to eventually say…yeah, you know what, this whole thing called life and living might not be that awful, is backwards. I would love to love life and live the life that I have been given as it is and as a result work hard on celebrating my blessings and doing even more to rejoice every new moment and experience.

For me now, I have to dig deep, every single day. Of course there are better days, hell even good days, but now… I question every single move that I make, every word that comes out of my mouth, every thought that crosses my mind.

It all starts with me, loving myself and truly living from within, but what if I can’t reach Me…I don’t know how to feel myself, express myself, listen to myself and read myself. And this is not just now, this has always been the case. Thinking of this, this explains why I get mad/uncomfortable when people say they know me inside out, that they can read me like an open book. How you gonna read/know me so well, when I aint even showing you the whole me? Hell, when I aint even showing myself the whole Me?! So please, don’t flatter yourself and just take a seat. Got sidetracked there for a minute…lets stay on course.

Writing makes be able to open doors in my mind and heart. Cause unfortunately I don’t know how to literally speak up for myself.

I know that I am Blessed with people that love me, and unconditionally so….but I just don’t feel it. And please don’t get me wrong, got nothing to do with them, it’s all me, I aint letting it in. There are times I do things for/with a friend/relative cause I know that’s what you ought to do with that type of relation at that given moment. It does not come naturally, it is fueled by rational, cause and effect.

On top of that I feel that in conversations I generally am the topic and or the lead speaker. And this is not because I think that I am so important or that whatever I have to say is of that importance or that I love to hear myself speak (I would be damned if that was my motive!), I feel that it is to ventilate, get rid of, discuss, get feed back (verbal & non verbal) on some of the million things that go on in that troubled mind of mine…

….WOW…do I really need to know if how I am doing things, seeing things, digesting things is the way to go? Do I value others opinions, feedback and guidance at such a high that I make myself insecure and unable to reach me, feel me, express me, listen to Me?

Is this all that simple? Am I just Fucking Insecure?! Not Confident?! Do I see myself as Unworthy?!


All this makes me feel so damn lonely! FUCK….wait…is that all that it takes?! Is it really this simple? “With Lauryn Hill in my mind”: It could all be so simple, but I rather make it Hard….Loving you seems like a Battle….

DAMN…I just brought myself to tears. Looking at a profile pic of myself and thinking: BABE, DARLING, GORGEOUS, PRECIOUS, YOU ARE WORTHY AND I LOVE YOU. How come you can not let that in…