Am I?

Am I truly working hard enough to make Me feel better. How much should I push myself?

Writing this now it seems silly to even ask, duh…push as hard as you can, don’t stop, never give up and keep on believing.

But to be honest, to me, working hard, pushing myself, actively doing stuff in order to eventually say…yeah, you know what, this whole thing called life and living might not be that awful, is backwards. I would love to love life and live the life that I have been given as it is and as a result work hard on celebrating my blessings and doing even more to rejoice every new moment and experience.

For me now, I have to dig deep, every single day. Of course there are better days, hell even good days, but now… I question every single move that I make, every word that comes out of my mouth, every thought that crosses my mind.

It all starts with me, loving myself and truly living from within, but what if I can’t reach Me…I don’t know how to feel myself, express myself, listen to myself and read myself. And this is not just now, this has always been the case. Thinking of this, this explains why I get mad/uncomfortable when people say they know me inside out, that they can read me like an open book. How you gonna read/know me so well, when I aint even showing you the whole me? Hell, when I aint even showing myself the whole Me?! So please, don’t flatter yourself and just take a seat. Got sidetracked there for a minute…lets stay on course.

Writing makes be able to open doors in my mind and heart. Cause unfortunately I don’t know how to literally speak up for myself.

I know that I am Blessed with people that love me, and unconditionally so….but I just don’t feel it. And please don’t get me wrong, got nothing to do with them, it’s all me, I aint letting it in. There are times I do things for/with a friend/relative cause I know that’s what you ought to do with that type of relation at that given moment. It does not come naturally, it is fueled by rational, cause and effect.

On top of that I feel that in conversations I generally am the topic and or the lead speaker. And this is not because I think that I am so important or that whatever I have to say is of that importance or that I love to hear myself speak (I would be damned if that was my motive!), I feel that it is to ventilate, get rid of, discuss, get feed back (verbal & non verbal) on some of the million things that go on in that troubled mind of mine…

….WOW…do I really need to know if how I am doing things, seeing things, digesting things is the way to go? Do I value others opinions, feedback and guidance at such a high that I make myself insecure and unable to reach me, feel me, express me, listen to Me?

Is this all that simple? Am I just Fucking Insecure?! Not Confident?! Do I see myself as Unworthy?!

But WHY GIRL?!

All this makes me feel so damn lonely! FUCK….wait…is that all that it takes?! Is it really this simple? “With Lauryn Hill in my mind”: It could all be so simple, but I rather make it Hard….Loving you seems like a Battle….

DAMN…I just brought myself to tears. Looking at a profile pic of myself and thinking: BABE, DARLING, GORGEOUS, PRECIOUS, YOU ARE WORTHY AND I LOVE YOU. How come you can not let that in…