I Lost my Marbles

And I am still working on retrieving them all.

I felt compelled to relay this message with you because this whole BlessedAsIAm journey started out focused on mental health. My mental health. For years, I have been struggling with my mental health. I would even dare to say that as far as I can remember myself as a young kid, I have had symptoms show up of (then) undiagnosed mental health issues. In the past I have had hit several “rock bottoms”, with the last major one being in 2018. And that is where we are going to set off in this blog post.

*LONG POST WARNING* (it took me weeks to complete this as I had trouble finding my words).

When I hit my “rock bottom” in 2018, I was in a low I had never before experienced. I was done. Tired of trying, tired of fighting, tired of all the pain, hurt and tired of not understanding why I could not seem to heal or move past these dark and disturbing episodes. It all got so bad that I was not able to function properly. I was crying all the time, especially when I had to go to work and leave my cocoon at home. I was exhausted, glued to my couch and bed. Barely left the house as I only felt safe in my own home, by myself, isolated from all that I couldn’t control. I had no will to live. I actually thought that ending it all was my only way out. Yet even within those dark and scary times I wanted to believe that there was a way. That this just could not be it for me. That there surely should be something better than the misery I was calling my reality.

One afternoon while I had exhausted what felt like most of Netflix and YouTube, I came across a YouTube video of Bob Proctor, talking about personal development and the Law of Attraction. From that short 20 or so minute video that I saw, I was hooked. I needed to know more about this magic that promised me a better and brighter life. A life where I was in control and where I could have, do and be anything I wanted. Have all my hearts dreams and desires fulfilled. I instantly felt like I had a new lease on life and that I finally understood what was missing. What I had missed and what I could now learn and implement to help myself get better.

I literally went all in. Hours and hours a day I immersed myself in teachings of different “experts”. Tony Robbins, Mel Robins, Abraham Hicks, Bob Proctor, guests at Oprahs Super Soul Sundays, Joe Dispenza, Wayne Dyer, Lisa Nichols…..and many many many many more. I took in the teachings from all sides. From spiritual to scientific. The Law of Attraction to quantum physics. And I loved it. I finally had the idea that I understood why for the largest part of my life, I had been numb or suffering. I was on a mission to master it all, so I could live the life that they told me I could. I could have all the riches I desired, tangible and intangible.

I was starting to see changes, I was starting to have a better outlook on life and I was even able get excited about my future. Obsessively I was doing the work. Looking inside and outside of myself for cues about my effort and results. There was this sense of fulfillment and control. And I felt like I finally knew what I was doing and that whenever things did not go as I desired, that I just had to amplify the things I had learned. Because clearly I was not doing it good enough….right?

Without even knowing it, I was slowly hurting myself more and more. For years I had been feeding a toxic pattern that got me feeling so low in 2018. Because what I didn’t know was that every time I indulged in those teachings, a toxic part of me was finding ways to make me feel bad. You see, every time things where not going as desired, or I hadn’t achieved something my teachers were telling me was as simple as ABC, I would blame myself for not working hard enough. I would beat myself up for not giving my all and not doing it right. The part of me that likes to punish herself, that likes to make me believe I am less that the dirt underneath my shoes was having a field day. Where I thought I was helping myself, secretly as a leach, that toxic part of me was feeding off of my vulnerability and my insecurities. As I said, I was immersing myself with this knowledge. Whenever I was on the move I would listen to podcasts, every night in bed I would read a book, throughout the day I would watch dozens of YouTube videos, my social media feed consisted of tips, tricks, quotes of those I mentioned above. 24/7 that part of me was translating to me that I was not good enough and that I would never be good enough or worthy of whatever it was that I desired.

Until after a new very low point in March 2022. I had binge watched documentaries, interviews, movies, you name it, about practically everything under and above the sun. Usually in my lows I like to watch mind numbing series to distract myself from my reality and all the fears I am reacting to. Not this low, for some divinely intervened reason I wanted to learn about truths. Truths about famous politicians, about money, about major corporations, our food, physical and mental health care and spiritual&personal development.

I can acknowledge that I am a quite sensitive being. And learning about all these “truths“ made me realize that there is a lot of ugliness in us as humans and this world we live in. The more I watched the more triggered I got. The more triggered I got the more insecurities and fears I fed. The more insecurities and fears I fed, the more I internalized them and started to look at all the ugliness that I had. True ugliness and imagined ugliness. I had released a relentless monster that was tearing me down, bit by bit…

I don’t even know how to explain this to you. But I can only describe it as I had lost my marbles! I was really going crazy. And the scary thing about it is that I was fully aware of it. Yet I could not stop allowing this monster to drag me into the darkness. The level of self hate and self disgust was at an all time high. I saw myself as the embodiment of all the ugliness in the world.

It got so bad that I saw myself losing all touch with reality. I was so scared that they were coming for me. Don’t ask me who “they” were. I simply don’t know. But I was so scared. With every car door I heard being slammed shut I was shivering. With every motorcycle that drove past I felt like that was the one that was sent to get me and hurt me in whatever way. And this was all while I was at home. I was literally constantly on the edge of my seat. All tensed up.

I was in this intense state for almost a week. And all that time I never left the house. I was so scared.

While in this state I learned about a different side of the personal and spiritual development industry. A side that was not really there to help people. A side that showed there are some teachers, healers and leaders that are out there to profit from people. Keeping them in a state of desire for change and never just good enough, all so they can fall into and stay in their trap. A trap that is an endless cycle of taking advantage of the ones seeking for help. Taking advantage of their vulnerability, desperation and call for help. And ultimately their money.

I was so hurt by this. Because I felt like I was not only being profited of, but more importantly, that I was profiting off of those that were in need of genuine help. Because as you might know I am a coach myself and in one way or another I coach off of the teachings of others. And instead of really helping them, I started to feel that I was scamming them into this trap that would only feed more into their fears and insecurities. Just like how I felt.

It was a light bulb moment when I realized how much I was actually hurting myself. Equally as it was a light bulb moment, it was also the moment I felt my whole world collapsed. Nothing felt real and I felt like all those “better things” I was pursuing were empty promises that were never ment to materialize. And so how could I continue this career path where I was so passionate about helping, guiding, teaching and help healing others? Even though my clients and direct peers have never voiced to me that I was one of those “snake oil sellers”, I still felt like one.

Let’s get this blog post to an end, because I could keep on going and going, eventually never publishing it. If you have come this far, thank you for your patience!

Fast forward to today, almost 3 months after it all started. I still do not feel as full on and passionate about the personal and spiritual development world. The reality I knew before is foreign. And I am still trying to make some sort of sense to myself and what I am doing. There is a very tricky and thin line where the beauty of the spiritual and self development world meets the ugly. And I am still very much fearful of doing more harm than good. I haven’t been active on social media in these last months, I haven’t attended a class, seminar or consumed any of the teachings. I felt like I needed to reset. Reevaluate, recalibrate and most importantly remember that although there is a lot of ugliness and nastiness in humans and this world, there is even more beauty and good. And I get to choose on what side I am and how I choose to embody it. One thing I can do is, I can learn to better shut out the noise and focus on the truth within myself. Find all the beautiful and loving parts and let that be my light.

A light that I will let shine, shine bright for those that want to see it and be touched by it.

And in that process eventually start collecting my marbles. Old ones and new ones.

BlessedAsIAm

A forty years young African woman. Being the truest and highest expression of self is my daily goal.

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