I was not anticipating this one bit! Sure I wasn’t at my best mentally. And physically some improvements could have been made. Yet going through what I just went through was not on the agenda.
It had been quite a while since I had such a mental and emotional relapse that I had to call in sick. I experienced it in the beginning stages, when I first started doing mentally low straining work. But that was to be suspected. I literally went from living a horizontal life in solitude to being amongst dozens of people and commuting through multiple zipcodes by various means of transportation.
But today, it all came back and took me by surprise. Like I said, I knew I was struggling, however, it was not on a level I couldn’t handle…well, that’s what I thought.
Looking back, it all has been building up, slowly. Though I wonder if I could have done things completely different, as a ways to prevent todays events.
I had to go to work today. It was a step up in intensity from what I had been doing the last few months. Intelligently I feel more than capable of doing my work as I should and then some. Yet something internally happened that opened the floodgates. And the moment I stepped out my front door, the tears appeared.
It is a 45min commute, and all the way I was texting and talking to friends over the phone. Some were speaking words of encouragement, saying I had nothing to fear and that as soon as I started to work it would all work out. Others were telling me to give in to my emotions and go back home. I appreciated both equally. And even though I knew what I had to do, I was still at war inside.
It wasn’t until I was just about to clock in, that I decided to call in sick. I just couldn’t justify what I was doing. Pushing myself to ignore my emotions, stepping over my own boundaries. All while I have been such an advocate for mental health and learning to listen to your intuition. Learning to strengthen that inner voice and not be silenced by outside factors.
I am back home now. Tired of all the crying. My head hurts. I will leave the analyzing and need for clarity for another day. Although I feel relieved now, it wasn’t an easy call to make. I am proud I did it. Being home feels good.
We will try again. Till that time comes, I will rest.