This is Me


What a year it has been!

And as we are on this last Monday of this year, the infamous 2020, I had to reflect on how this year has actually been. And I am talking about the whole year, taking it from the global pandemic to my own personal crises.

I started off this year working towards getting back to my full time job in the sky. After a good 18 months of intensive healing from childhood traumas with all the professional help and my own inner guiding system, I was genuinely looking forward to leave the illnesses and uncertainties behind. I felt well enough equipped to put on that uniform, grab my trolley and step into an aircraft and perform my role as a Purser to the best of my abilities.

At home I had found a satisfying yet gentle rhythm that kept me mentally and emotionally stable and that strengthened my confidence in self. I had a morning routine where I practiced self care and intentionality for the day ahead, I nourished my body and gave it regular exercise in the gym and during outdoor walks. I met up with friends and kept exploring my life’s interests. At night I had a routine where I again took out time for self care and to practice gratitude. I started to feel more and more in control…and then covid came…and then they murdered George Floyd…and the BLACKLIVESMATTER movement grew….and covid kept coming back….and more people experienced painful events…

Where I used to isolate myself whenever my depression or CPTSD hit hard, I now wanted to be outside and socialize because I was feeling better, but I was not allowed to. I also wanted to find comfort with like minded people to uplift each other and fight together. It felt as if I was pushed back into mental illness, wether I wanted or not. Being single and living on my own and having my dearests miles away dealing with their own struggles, did not make it any easier.

Getting back in that uniform got postponed and when the time finally came to wear it, I was only able to do a few flights before I got hit with an unexpected relapse. I was gutted, felt that with all the hard work, I wasn’t getting anywhere, I felt defeated. I started to lose trust in myself and my journey.

Fast forward to today, just a few days before this year ends. And I just could not be more grateful, proud, joyful, excited and loving towards myself.

This is Me

Yes it has been tough…F*CKING TOUGH! Yes there were times that I felt so damn defeated, that the suicidal thoughts gained ground. F*ck, I was tired and if I do my best now I still feel that tiredness. AND I am still here, I did not give up, I persevered. I now more than ever know what I am made of and I wouldn’t have wanted to be anybody else but ME!

Did this year go as I wished it had gone, did I get or do all that I desired? No, and still I feel as if this year could not have been more successful. I tried new things, I failed at things, I learned and I dug deeper. I opened my ears, eyes, mind and soul more and I lightened my body more. I learned to uncover more layers of myself and my true potential. I learned to see myself through more kind and compassionate eyes. I learned to love myself more on levels I never knew existed.

This post is not me gloating about how well I did or anything of that nature. It is more meant as a “When life gives you lemons…” type of post. I could easily look at all the things that did not go well this year, or all the things I feel, I myself could have done differently or even better. I could look at all the things I still do not (yet) have in my life…. I could, yet I refuse to.

I am the one that paints the picture of my life and I get to chose the canvas and the colors. I chose the unlimited canvas of the best quality with the best brushes and I pick the brightest, liveliest, strongest and most telling colors. Because that is me, it is the Truest and Highest Expression of Self and I Am Blessed.

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