The last few days have been quite acceptable and maybe even pleasant for a short period of time. At moments I had the spark that gave me the slightest feeling of excitement for my future and more pleasurable moments.
Although I feel that I have reached this turning point that I no longer feel overwhelmed by this whole depression, negativity and hopelessness. I can’t shake the feeling that I still feel that deep down things are not right. That this dark cloud or swamp is always going to be there. I may have gathered the strength now to pick up my life and work on my healing. But I still feel that rottenness. Like something I cannot seem to cut out of my life for good.
Most of the time I feel like I don’t belong. And yes, fir the majority of time, that I don’t deserve to be here because I serve no purpose and that I am wasting seemingly valuable resources that some other soul could really make use of and put in to their full potential.
And then there are moments that I question my own thoughts, feelings and conclusions. Am I exaggerating, putting this whole not feeling as I belong out of proportion? Should I just shut up, stop whining and just move on. But then again, I have been doing that my whole life and look at what it has brought me, where I mentally am at the moment. And I know that she who controls her mind and thoughts controls her feelings and thus life. But what if that translation, connection is just messed up. I can play pretend, but in the end it doesn’t make me feel any different deep down.
And this all has nothing to do with being grateful for what I have been given and the opportunities I was able to transform into accomplishments. I recognize that I regardless was able to make a living for myself. But that is that. I know it, but I don’t feel it.
Fuck…lot of the time I wish for a life without any obligations. No answering to anybody or anything. Not having to work herein is a major factor. Maybe I should change my profession and find something that does not feel like such an obligation. I appreciate the life that I am able to live with the money and time off my current work and position gives me. When I am off, I am able to live a pretty careless life, safe in my cocoon. On the job I literally have to get in uniform. Surround myself with people that have different morals and views on such a level that it bothers me. People with double agenda’s, fakeness or just nasty negativity and superficialness on the job. And I get it, you go to work to work and not make friends. But unfortunately I am currently not programmed like that. Work is a large part of my life so it sure does matter to me who I surround myself with. At this moment I am wondering if the pro’s still outweigh the cons.
Maybe I should reevaluate this all when I am “better”. When I am able to loudly and proudly say who I am and what I stand for.
Though I secretly think that you should never disregard your gut feeling.