The First steps…

The last few days have been quite acceptable and maybe even pleasant for a short period of time. At moments I had the spark that gave me the slightest feeling of excitement for my future and more pleasurable moments.

Although I feel that I have reached this turning point that I no longer feel overwhelmed by this whole depression, negativity and hopelessness. I can’t shake the feeling that I still feel that deep down things are not right. That this dark cloud or swamp is always going to be there. I may have gathered the strength now to pick up my life and work on my healing. But I still feel that rottenness. Like something I cannot seem to cut out of my life for good.

Most of the time I feel like I don’t belong. And yes, fir the majority of time, that I don’t deserve to be here because I serve no purpose and that I am wasting seemingly valuable resources that some other soul could really make use of and put in to their full potential.

And then there are moments that I question my own thoughts, feelings and conclusions. Am I exaggerating, putting this whole not feeling as I belong out of proportion? Should I just shut up, stop whining and just move on. But then again, I have been doing that my whole life and look at what it has brought me, where I mentally am at the moment. And I know that she who controls her mind and thoughts controls her feelings and thus life. But what if that translation, connection is just messed up. I can play pretend, but in the end it doesn’t make me feel any different deep down.

And this all has nothing to do with being grateful for what I have been given and the opportunities I was able to transform into accomplishments. I recognize that I regardless was able to make a living for myself. But that is that. I know it, but I don’t feel it.

Fuck…lot of the time I wish for a life without any obligations. No answering to anybody or anything. Not having to work herein is a major factor. Maybe I should change my profession and find something that does not feel like such an obligation. I appreciate the life that I am able to live with the money and time off my current work and position gives me. When I am off, I am able to live a pretty careless life, safe in my cocoon. On the job I literally have to get in uniform. Surround myself with people that have different morals and views on such a level that it bothers me. People with double agenda’s, fakeness or just nasty negativity and superficialness on the job. And I get it, you go to work to work and not make friends. But unfortunately I am currently not programmed like that. Work is a large part of my life so it sure does matter to me who I surround myself with. At this moment I am wondering if the pro’s still outweigh the cons.

Maybe I should reevaluate this all when I am “better”. When I am able to loudly and proudly say who I am and what I stand for.

Though I secretly think that you should never disregard your gut feeling.

Clean House

…that is the hefty task that lays before me. Figuratively and Literally.

Many times have I said, This is probably the hardest Thing I ever had to Do. But some how, there always seems to be more from where that came from. As if that damned well of hardships, painful confrontations and hurdles is one that’ll never dry out.

It has been a few months now since I actively embarked on this new journey. If I am being honest, I had been unconsciously, negatively working myself up to that point of final exhaustion and breakdown for a few years.

The darkness only recently fully found its way to the surface as I could no longer ignore the pain I felt inside. Showing up for work meant a whole ritual of giving myself a pep talk and repeating positive affirmations. Going outside was only done when necessary. And eventually getting out of bed seemed like the hardest thing ever.

Just before my ultimate breakdown I found myself crying on an almost daily basis. I had this constant sadness and darkness I could no longer fight or dissect. And then again, after bursting out in tears in public amongst strangers, I called a friend. I had come to a point where I wanted to end it all, I was done, I was tired, what was the point of me, my life…

A few weeks prior I had been vocal to my closest friends about me sympathizing with people who after a long battle eventually chose to end it all. I let them know that I could see myself on that path too. But like I said in an earlier post I hadn’t given up just yet. I knew I needed help and I wanted help.

And so that one call to my friend got me to where I am today. At home on sick leave for going on 2 months and a few weeks into therapy for what was diagnosed as a Severe Depression with suicidal thoughts.

I have a long road ahead of me. Although I still don’t find any joy in my life now. I feel that I can breath again and that there is someone holding my hand and guiding me through the darkness.

Everyone has a different journey. We all have different pasts and presents. And so no Mental Health issue is experienced the same. No need to compare or judge. Just keep it simple: Respect and Empathize.

Stay Blessed

My Take on Mental Illness

Mental Illness has no Face, no Status, No boundaries.

It sees no color, no race, no education, gender nor occupation

Mental Illness does not care about your Riches, emotional, spiritual, or materialistic

Mental Illness is an on going Battle

No matter how many therapy sessions, pills, will power or support you have…

And the choice to End the Pain has nothing to do with weakness

Most of us rather stay and be “happy” like our loved ones would like to see us

Make no mistake, Mental Illness is as real and potentially fatal as any other deadly Illness

But I still like to Believe that there is Hope

So Please stick around and

Take on this Journey of Hope with me