The Struggle is Real

Afbeelding 175

 

It has been a long time, maybe even a long time coming. These dark clouds that seem to follow me from afar finally caught up. Although I seem to distance myself more and more from these dooming negativities, completely getting rid of them, is something I don’t dare to dream of. I have been doing well, making myself busy and living the life I needed at any given moment. In the shadows something dark would be lurking every now and then. With the energy that I had in me I would force in more light, blinding the dark shadows….holding them back just a little longer and hopefully making them disappear in whole…. Because I should be better now. I want to be better now, I NEED to be better now. I’ve been through so much, sought help from family, friends and professionals. Gone from totally breaking down to working my hardest to keep my head above the water. Doing the most to feel as good from the inside as I looked from the outside. Not wanting to bother people with my sad stories, my insecurities and my growing tiredness. I could already hear some think: “Shouldn’t you be over this by now, I don’t understand your problem, you need to let go, your life seems pretty good, you are healthy, you have a great job, a house, a car, loving family and friends…what more do you wish for?” …to be completely honest… I don’t know, Time maybe? Cause all the riches in the world can’t heal a broken soul. The purest, deepest and most unconditional love from others can’t heal you either. It all has to come from within yourself, myself….but what if I am just too tired to mend my broken soul, what if I am out of ways to find the broken pieces, what if I don’t even know how to mend it, as I barely had the joy of experiencing it undamaged….

A whole 72hrs passed by, 72hrs that I needed to kick start myself. 72hrs of total exclusion, shamelessly in a fancy hotel room somewhere in a far eastern metropole. 72hrs that I spend in bed, only getting out for the most necessary. Living on one hot meal a day, water, tv and the little contact I had with the outside world. I had been looking forward to exploring the city, really spending my time to get to know the best places to eat, drink tea, enjoy a cocktail, shop and meet new people. But I just couldn’t, I was too tired, too empty, I needed to reload. And that’s what I did!

The next project is coming up, it hasn’t had the attention it needed, but I will go on! The thing with me is, as long as I am struggling I am moving. It might not seem as such or very productive, but struggling for me means that I haven’t give up. As long as I am struggling there is always hope! So please hang in there with me, I hope to exceed my last creation.

 

Gotta Love The Waterfalls

Crying, another one of those things I am all too familiar with. Every now and then these overwhelming sad emotions come over me. Not able to stop them or handle them in a controlled way, crying seems to be the only way to cope at that moment. And I count myself lucky for being able to cry and not seeing it as a weakness. The tears in a sense are the sad and negative feelings leaving my system. Like the pause button has been pushed and room is being made to think clearly, start letting go and think about the things that do make me happy. Concentrate on what is and giving myself the love that I deserve. This doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time, but it does happen. As the emotional person that I am, I can appreciate these teary moments.

I am no stranger to crying in my bed. But truly crying myself to sleep, is something that I cannot do. I always wondered how people do that. After having cried till there are no more tears, my eyes all puffy and red, a soar throat and a runny nose, I usually end up empty inside with a massive headache. So how do people do that falling asleep part while crying? I first have to feel ashamed for crying so dramatically and thinking that my whole situation is the end of the world. That there is nothing else to live for. After the shame, the smile and sometimes hysterical laughter may follow, laughing at myself for being that silly. Laughing at the empty negative thoughts that I allowed to take a hold of me. The calm in the end is what eventually makes me fall asleep, knowing that I have the ability to count my blessings and hope to see another day to do better and be better.