I am Free

This might be the hardest thing I ever had to face. Finding the right words to describe what I feel without getting too emotional or mentioning unnecessary details. Not long ago I hinted at the life changing decision I made…well, here it is. With tears in my eyes, a heavy heart, a sense of fear but also relief I am sharing this with you.

While dealing with what happened in the past, I harbored a lot of anger and sometimes even pure rage. A lot of that anger was easy to explain. Many therapy sessions, breakdowns and a lot of self reflection helped me lose a huge part of that anger. But still some remained. Telling myself that I did not know where it came from only made it worse. I was so afraid, wanting to shield myself from another form of betrayal. One potentially bigger than my so called father put on me. It hurt so much, opening up my eyes to the pain I felt and acknowledging that it was you who still had such a hold on me.

You used to tell me you wanted a child. But at that age, in whatever situation you might have been and with all that was to come, were you ready to be my mother…?

I have made peace with the role you play in my life. I let go of all expectations. I have forgiven your disloyalty. No longer am I trying to understand the choices you made. I decide not to be affected by the people you select to have relations with, I distance myself emotionally so your words and actions won’t hurt me no more. I am my own woman now. I am beautiful from the inside and out. I have great potential and the means to exploit them. I am free.

Once again, I choose ME

 

 

Image

I finally did it!

It took me a while to finish this project. So I won’t waste any time now with words. The pictures speak for themselves.

All is my own creation and handmade by yours truly. I am proud and fulfilled. Hope you like it as much as I do.

Photo credits: Arlette Bekink

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Status

Commitment issues

Already having commitment issues… Haven’t even shared my first project, only started out some weeks ago with writing. ┬áNot been frequent with my posts or even with my creativity. As I might have mentioned before, I am one lazy piece of work. My head and heart will overflow with ideas, fired up passion ready to be released and molded into something concrete. Enthusiastic and positive vibes buzzing through my veins. All the right ingredients to be productive and consistent. And yet I manage to stand in my own way and do absolutely nothing.

A damn shame and waste!

But within all this frustration there is a lot of happiness and growth at this moment. Even though I suffered from a serious flu for weeks, I feel so good about myself. I had to make a very hard decision, (will share that sometime soon) but this decision was one of the best I’ve made in a while. It freed me of a lot of hurt, frustration, unfulfilled longings and expectations.

This weight that I let go, made more room for me and me loving me. So yes, deserved or not, have been cutting myself some slack, maybe too much. This just because I made myself proud! But it is time to get back at it. I am doing this for me. Project is done, already started with a next one. Only wait now is having the pictures taken and posting it…