I saw my Light…

…and it is within ME

Now I am not saying that I am healed from my Depression or however one would call it once on the other side. But after watching a series of motivational YouTube videos and listening to speakers on Tedx, I feel as if my eyes just went from barely able to see the light of day, to wide open and fully aware of a Light, beaming out a profound Power through my whole body. I feel as if a part of my mind has been accessed and awakened, that had been dormant for I don’t know how long.

It was during my after-gym-shower that I realized, that I was in charge! All I needed was a chain of small decisions and steps. Like I had just done. I chose to get up and off the couch, put on my gym gear, open&close the door behind me, walk to my gym, open the door, walk in and just do some exercises that I was the least opposed to doing…starting small. This win that I had, made me see that I could choose to either be in pain for feeling miserable about myself, my life, my body and where my life is now and where it is headed. Or I could experience a different kind of pain. A pain of dragging myself off the couch and putting on gym gear and go work out, a pain of laying off the less healthier foods, read a book instead of watching some fake influencers, learn from inspirational speakers instead of comparing myself to Instafamous people. I could choose to feed myself negativity and suffer the mental and physical consequences and stay on the draining and empty road of defeat. Or I could take the path of enlightenment, growth and long term prosperity. It was and mostly still is, all up to Me.

I know I knew this, I consciously and unconsciously have had the joy of experiencing this in the past. But never did I do so with the full awareness. And many might read and think to themselves: “duh you silly! Under what rock have you been living your whole life?!” Well, several to be honest. The ones of sexual abuse, neglect, self hatred, PTSD, depression…just to name a few.

And sure, there is little voice, a murderous part of me, that doesn’t dare to step out into the light. That would rather stay in this comfort zone called negativity and fruitless stagnant state of mind. However, my Believe in my own Greatness is bigger than this noise. I need to put in the work and focus on the goals I am going to achieve instead of thinking of and giving power to what it will take to get there.

I need to keep going, it will not all come to me this clear or happen overnight. Repetition and consistency will be the key for me to truly heal and transform. I have to consciously celebrate every small step and decision that will help me achieve what it is that I truly desire. And I believe that this small shift of thinking, is what will get me past this depression and into a lifestyle of happiness.


How I Self Medicate

In order to cope with the deafening negative noise inside myself I found myself reaching out to some substances that I thought would help me redirect the focus, and numb my feelings. I am well aware that the things mentioned below were not fixing anything. But I was so deep in the dark that I couldn’t see it or even care.

Let me start off with the worst of them all alcohol. This is some dangerous poison, that when consumed for the wrong reasons it will do more harm than help. And unfortunately I have had a lot, a lot! of occasions where the combination of alcohol and myself brought out a person in me, I do not wish to see. In my earlier blogpost My Inner Kruella, you can read all about it. With this depression however I found myself really trying to combat the urge to drink. I had become fearful and ashamed of my Kruella. I was experiencing that I was needing more and more alcohol to numb myself. And the more I consumed, the nastier the hangovers and the set backs were. Just 1 episode of drinking eventually set me back 3 steps, made me feel even more depressed and really fed my anxiety. The struggle is real, but I try to refrain from drinking and when I do drink, be more conscious.

Secondly comes my true love food. Food is so Good, for the numbing, celebratory and rewarding function I attached to it. In my upbringing food always played a huge part. It was a way of bonding, when cooking together; feeding the body when eating right and abundance when celebrating. And in my adulthood I kept the same morals. Only, when suffering from mental illness or any type of stress I would flip the script and take it to a whole other level. For me it became: the more the better, the nastier the better, enough was never enough. And here too, I knew it didn’t help, but when I was in those truly dark places, I would grab anything I could take a hold of, just to keep me from drowning. And now after all those days, weeks of eating like crazy and having food delivered, I am full. My clothes don’t fit me, my body aches and my bank account is empty. I finally have come to the point where I kinda feel, that enough is enough!

Netflix&Youtube, this was and still is a true addiction. I could go days without having a full nights sleep. Too afraid of letting go of the distraction and too afraid of what tomorrow would bring. I would rather keep watching other people instead of living in my own reality. It is such an easy escape, as I didn’t have the energy to concentrate on reading, watching or doing anything else with more substance. I was too restless and living in a negative mindset. I saw everything, from really crappy content and shows to less crappy. And nowadays I try to focus more on inspirational and constructive content.

My most recent addition is coffee. When I was younger I couldn’t stand the taste or smell of coffee and coffee breath. I even had some sort of intolerance for caffeine where I would be nauseated for a solid 24hrs. But about 2 years ago I forced myself to truly start appreciating that dark brown liquid. I did this because I was in need of a new form of inflicting the numbness that I could use 24/7, as my job obviously doesn’t allow any of the above on duty or as for food, the amount that I was taking would literally keep me from doing my job the way I am supposed to. On my mentally tough days, I would drink so much coffee, it gave me the shakes, heat waves, racing heartbeat and sleepless nights. And here too, the detriments are starting to outweigh the benefits.

On my way to recovery and true healing I see myself redefining my self medicative choices and learning that at that time in need they were there for me and we became best of friends. But it is now time to seek healthier and more constructive medicine without going to the extreme.


The Odd one out

Recently I told my therapist that I feel as if I just don’t get this whole concept called Life. I just don’t get it… I have always felt like I don’t belong. Like I was this weird human being that had time traveled to the future, walking amongst human creatures that were far more evolved than I am. And that I just could not manage to catch up. For as long as I can remember I have always felt different. I know that even as a little girl, who had just moved to Europe from Africa, I had a hard time understanding how people literally work. And I am not talking about the obvious cultural differences or even the language barrier at the very start. I just didn’t get it, still don’t get it, I still feel lost…

I know that I am very sensitive and highly affected by pain and pain caused by others and general injustice. I am a woman that can’t stop over analyzing certain human interactions and emotions that come with it. As I have had my fair share of hurt, self inflicted as well as put upon me and some of which I am not even able to recollect its origin, I don’t understand why people can intentionally hurt each other. And sometimes invest with such passion in their evilness, rather than putting that energy into looking within and try to understand where that urge for hurting comes from.
This at times makes me feel numb around other people. Feel as if I am invisible, as if my whole being is vibrating on another level.

My brother once said: Woman you cannot save the world and you should really stop trying to, how noble of you it may be. And I would just nod, but still not able to let go. How could one just let go and stop caring. How do I stop?

You know what they say: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Well, I feel as if “everybody” is able to do so. Some even make such damn good lemonade, they are enjoying it as if they are sippin’ on the finest champagne. And I am out here, gulping on this watered down tart liquid that is just about able to keep me from dehydrating.

Crazy at it may seem, I always felt that my oddness had a purpose. How uncomfortable and confusing it may be. That it was destined for greatness, for the greater good. Hopefully I will be here long enough to see it or maybe it is just a matter of opening my eyes to live it.


My Progress…

A few months into my journey to healing, I thought I might share how it all has been so far.

A few months ago I was really in a dark place. I was literally done… I had expressed to some close friends that I was tired of fighting and that I felt as if there was just one way out… A dear friend managed to convince me to ask for professional help. And so I applied for help. Unfortunately there was a waiting list of at least 28 weeks in my home town. I knew I wouldn’t be able to make it through that time in one piece so I chose to seek help farther away from home, with the option of relocating once there was an open spot closer to home.

Therapy started. It felt as if I finally managed to grab that lifeline that would prevent me from drowning. For me therapy is like talking to someone familiar who is able to respond on a higher psychological manner and without any judgement. After having recaptured the how and why from my point of view, the first order of business was getting me off the couch and out of the house. Before we were even going to tackle the thoughts, cognitive behavioral therapy, I needed to get out of isolation.

Now 1,5 months into therapy, I am slowly but surely more able to push myself and get out of the house. I am lucky to be surrounded by friends and family members who are truly stepping up and embracing this version of me and its needs. I, on the other hand am still struggling with what is going on and where this will lead to. I still don’t see or feel the point of it all. The purpose of me living. They say it takes time…so I guess I just have to be patient, keep on going and keep an open mind.


Please Don’t…

Don’t tell me it’s ok not to be ok. Stop saying that it is normal to have a bad day every once in a while. Don’t say I shouldn’t exaggerate and just get over it. Don’t tell me that I should focus on the positive things in my life and that this will pass sooner than I can imagine. My Mental Wellness will not just improve with some encouragement or kind words. Sure the love is appreciated, but I didn’t end up in this place because I was not trying to be receiving of.

I have come to the realization that people rather not speak of the less nicer things in life. Although everybody experiences stressful or even traumatic events to a certain extent in their life, what is seen or shown is mostly the good or the positive outcome of their journey. Don’t get me wrong I do understand that highlighting on the hardships in your life won’t do you any good. But for me, who is quite sensitive and shares practically everything it is hard to deal with only seeing one side of the medal. It takes away a big part of the realness and even worse makes me feel alone in my struggles and at times very misunderstood. And this all makes it even harder to share how truly dark the darkness gets.

And I feel that, because people rarely share the other side of that medal, the world of Mental Wellness is one of many paths unknown. Speaking from my own experience, not giving my Mental Health the proper attention only makes it worse. Because Blessed, I have done it all! I went from confronting the negative feelings and thoughts head on to literally running or rather flying away from them. I took on challenges, stripping away all the noise in my life like materialism and unhealthy lifestyles. Reading self help books, watching inspirational videos and showering myself with positive affirmations. Even taking the next step in my career and living situations. Everything I could think of as a way to get rid of the numbing pain that was boiling inside of me. And lets not forget 20 years of me in and out of various therapy sessions.

And yet…here I am again. After all the above that I have tried and done, wishing it was working. I find myself with this Depression, back with yet another specialized psychiatrist.

What I am basically trying to say is that in this hashtag positive prone society we live in, there is this huge other world of people just like me that do not rhyme with the whole #ilovemylife kinda vibe. They might try to, I sure have and still am! But don’t be too quick to ignore it when the message comes out differently or the hashtag isn’t as joyful as you are used to.
Mental Illness is Real.


We are Back!!!

Where last week things were in an up, this week it is all tears, misery, doomsday, nauseating negativity and utter sadness.

The world seems so surreal. How is it possible or even allowed for a person to feel such overwhelming sadness, hopelessness and defeat.

I am well aware that this journey I chose to take on is one of many twists and turns and even more ups&downs. It is just that I wonder…when is it enough. Those dark days are really dark.

When I look at myself in the mirror I see nothing. An empty shell. I feel nothing, I register none. There is a figure, apparently female who has put on a massive amount of weight. Both on her shoulders and on her entire body. The skin on her face lost its glow, its vibrancy and smoothness. What rests is casket ready grayness with lumps and bumps, dark circles under her eyes, that reflect the deep depths of her depression.

And then that scary question arises: Will this ever end, Will I ever feel something other than sadness, How will it end…


The First steps…

The last few days have been quite acceptable and maybe even pleasant for a short period of time. At moments I had the spark that gave me the slightest feeling of excitement for my future and more pleasurable moments.

Although I feel that I have reached this turning point that I no longer feel overwhelmed by this whole depression, negativity and hopelessness. I can’t shake the feeling that I still feel that deep down things are not right. That this dark cloud or swamp is always going to be there. I may have gathered the strength now to pick up my life and work on my healing. But I still feel that rottenness. Like something I cannot seem to cut out of my life for good.

Most of the time I feel like I don’t belong. And yes, fir the majority of time, that I don’t deserve to be here because I serve no purpose and that I am wasting seemingly valuable resources that some other soul could really make use of and put in to their full potential.

And then there are moments that I question my own thoughts, feelings and conclusions. Am I exaggerating, putting this whole not feeling as I belong out of proportion? Should I just shut up, stop whining and just move on. But then again, I have been doing that my whole life and look at what it has brought me, where I mentally am at the moment. And I know that she who controls her mind and thoughts controls her feelings and thus life. But what if that translation, connection is just messed up. I can play pretend, but in the end it doesn’t make me feel any different deep down.

And this all has nothing to do with being grateful for what I have been given and the opportunities I was able to transform into accomplishments. I recognize that I regardless was able to make a living for myself. But that is that. I know it, but I don’t feel it.

Fuck…lot of the time I wish for a life without any obligations. No answering to anybody or anything. Not having to work herein is a major factor. Maybe I should change my profession and find something that does not feel like such an obligation. I appreciate the life that I am able to live with the money and time off my current work and position gives me. When I am off, I am able to live a pretty careless life, safe in my cocoon. On the job I literally have to get in uniform. Surround myself with people that have different morals and views on such a level that it bothers me. People with double agenda’s, fakeness or just nasty negativity and superficialness on the job. And I get it, you go to work to work and not make friends. But unfortunately I am currently not programmed like that. Work is a large part of my life so it sure does matter to me who I surround myself with. At this moment I am wondering if the pro’s still outweigh the cons.

Maybe I should reevaluate this all when I am “better”. When I am able to loudly and proudly say who I am and what I stand for.

Though I secretly think that you should never disregard your gut feeling.